Things about words
It's so absolutely fabulously marvelous to be in an English speaking country where everybody actually says toilets instead of the silly nonsense about bathrooms or restrooms.

Plasters mean band-aids. Weird. Till means the cash-register. Odd.

I was given pants at work, as part of the uniform. Somebody asked me how they were and I was explaining all about my pants, before I realized that pants actually here means underpants and I should have talked of trousers instead. A little embarrassing.
Posted 20:40

Funny little detail
When I first arrived here and got on the tube from Heathrow airport towards Hounslow there was a message constantly scrolling on the wall of the subway saying 'This train is for COCKFOSTERS'. At first I thought somebody had decided to make a joke and that it was some weird British way of saying 'Only cocksuckers ride this train'. Then I thought that maybe it's an advertisement for a really peculiarly flavored Foster's beer. I'm not ashamed to admit that it actually took me until the next day to realize that Cockfosters is actually the name of a place at the end of the Piccadilly line that I was riding on... Still a very odd word though.
Posted 20:15

Pretending that I belong
About the worst thing that I can imagine, in a foreign country, is standing in some street corner and taking out a map. I don't really know why, but I try my best to never look like a tourist, no matter where I go. When visiting London these days I check on all the maps, tube routes etc before hand, in the comfort of my home, and memorize all the information that I will need during the day to get to all the places I want to. Then I can simply swish swoosh from one place to another looking as if I've been doing it all my life. The horror of looking like a tourist is a reason why I haven't yet taken a single photograph either. I remember back in the days when I visited China and Thailand about how much I was bothered by the fact that no matter what I did or how I acted, there was no way I could blend in completely. It was a strange feeling to suddenly find myself as part of the different looking minority. In London it doesn't seem to matter what one looks like - there's so many different kinds of people everywhere.
Posted 19:53

Little update
This blog is turning into a diary... I meant to go to the Natural History Museum in London today, but due to the strong wind I am stuck here. The "underground" actually runs above ground this far out and the wind has knocked some trees onto the tracks. I have no clue about the busses. So I've just been walking around the main Hounslow street, popping from one store to another and buying a few useful things (extension cords, storage bin) and some not so essential (DVDs). I don't actually start work until Tuesday so I have one more day to enjoy myself.
Posted 16:52

First impressions

Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-from Shakespeare's Macbeth

So much to write about, so many things going on in my head, but I just don't know where to begin. First of all though, I absolutely love London! It's really a bit too early for me to say anything though, since I've only been here for a couple of days and everything is still so fresh and new, but still... I have this feeling inside of me that I have finally come home, that I have found the one place on earth where I am supposed to be at. I am quite sure this feeling will eventually change once the novelty wears off, when I am completely stressed out by work and when I begin to miss all the things I wrote about previously, but at least right now I feel truly content and happy. Just buying a day pass and hopping from one tube (underground/subway/metro) to another is a source of endless entertainment for me still. Heh.

The current accomodation situation isn't the best possible. It would be almost ideal, except that I have a roommate. She seems really nice and all, but I seriously need my own privacy. I'm fine with sharing the kitchen or the bathroom, but I need my own space that I can decorate the way I want, where I can spread my own things, where I can do and be exactly as I wish. With somebody else constantly there I just cannot be natural, but I have to put on my 'must be social and talkative' phase, which can get stressing if I have no escape from it. Home and solitude is where I go to recharge my batteries so I can then be social and friendly out of the home. But anyhow, since the situation cannot be helped at the moment, I try not to worry too much about it and just convince myself that I can change.

London reminds me a lot of New York City. London is like a smaller, friendlier version of Manhattan. Smaller in the sense that the buildings are smaller, the city lacks the grandness of the huge skyscrapers, but at the same time the buildings here are more beautiful. Where Manhattan feels new and modern, in London I feel surrounded by history. People here are more friendly and polite. A lot of please's, excuse me's, pardon me's, men keeping the door open and smily faces around. While people in both cities seem to be constantly in a hurry to somewhere else, on Manhattan there was a definate rudeness attached to it - people shoving, carhorns honking, loud swearing etc. All the low-paying jobs in both cities appear to be occupied by foreigners and soon I'll be one of them as well.

Sometimes it feels as if I've stepped into a reverse universe. It's been very difficult to get my brains to realize that the cars really do drive on the wrong side of the road. Everytime when I approach a street crossing I keep telling myself to do the opposite of what I am used to, but I still manage to mess it up. If it weren't for the huge LOOK RIGHT and LOOK LEFT painted on the roads, I probably would have been ran over by now. A lot of the hot and cold water faucets are switched. Doors open inwards instead of outwards. It's like somebody took the world, shook it up a bit and some things just ended up a little wacky. It's all great though, I like discovering all those little things that are different.

So far I haven't really felt homesick. I felt the first bouts of melancholy yesterday as I visited the British Museum and remembered that the last time I went there I was with my mother. Then later on as I was wandering around Covent Garden and Leicester Square, looking at all the thousands of people eating, partying and having a great time on a Friday night, I really wished I would have been there with a bunch of friends as well. I so wanted to be a part of that crowd, instead of just an awed spectator. I have a feeling I'll end up an outsider all my time here, but I am quite used to that.
Posted 19:30

Here I am again
Greetings from an overcrowded internet cafe by the Victoria station in London this time. The interview went well and I start work on Monday. It's been an interesting experience overall so far and I'd love to write more, but these cybercafes just aren't the best place for it. I'm looking into options how to get my laptop connected to the net somehow. My plans today involve going to the theatre if I can just find a way to Milton Keynes from here. Sean Bean should be playing Macbeth, mmmmm. I hope the ticket I bought over the net months ago is still valid. Hopefully there'll be more proper entries later...
Posted 16:21

Greetings from England
Well I made it safely. My first thought upon arrival was "Oooh it's warm!". When I left Helsinki at 6am in the morning it was -12C outside, over here it was +15C. I keep telling everybody how wonderfully warm it is here and they all look at me like I am crazy... Nothing's worked out quite the way it was supposed to. The place where I am staying at changed and now my workplace will be different as well. I need to get going for the interview right now actually.
Posted 14:58

Step into the abyss... and let go

"The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My dad always told me that's the only way you deal with pain; you don't surrender, you don't fight it, you turn it into something positive. He used to say: 'If you are falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose.'"

"You can't turn away from death simply because you're afraid of what might happen without you. That's not enough! You're not embracing life. You're fleeing death. And so you're caught in between, unable to go forward or backward. Your friends need what you can be when you are no longer afraid, when you know who you are and why you are and what you want, when you are no longer looking for reasons to live, but can simply be."

"It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?"
- Quotes from the Babylon 5 tv series

Off I go...
Posted 05:27

Last day
The fact that I am really leaving begun to set in today along with a sense of panic. I must be completely out of my mind. I kept looking around, looking at all the comforts that I have, the needed privacy, my nice things and I just couldn't believe I was throwing it all away. At the same time a big part of me still wants to go. If I had the option to cancel everything and get my money back would I do it? No. This is something that I must do, for better or for worse. And it's not like it's for the rest of my life either. It's only a few months, no big deal. So my thoughts today have been a complete chaos bouncing from one side to the other.

I just returned from mom's where I dropped off my car and took the taxi back home. All the goodbyes are now done with. It's 9.15pm and after a day of running around doing last minute errands I feel exhausted. I haven't packed yet though...

Things that I will miss:

• Familiarity
  Not knowing where and how things are and work. It's part of the fascination of travelling abroad - to see how life can be lived differently, but just as good. But if I really need to get something done, for example go to the doctor because of my current little flu, it'll be stressing not to know where I can go, how things are done, how can I get it paid through my insurance etc.
  
• Finnish language
  Although I can speak English quite fluently and I don't feel uncomfortable using it, Finnish is still my first language. I love Finnish with all its strange dialects and slangs. I love how Finnish people (at least around here) love to mix in different words, make up new words, switch between dialects and languages etc. It's like a constant little verbal game. I don't get that with English. I know how to express myself in English, but I don't know how to play with the language.
  
• Finnish music
  I used to hate Finnish music. It was all very weird, depressing etc, but these days there's so many different kinds and a lot of "main stream" bands.
  
• Finnish people
  We're a species of our own, with our quirky ways and personalities. English people fascinate me though. I have all these ideas, from tv and movies I'm afraid, of how I expect the English people to be like. It'll be interesting to see how false my expectations were.
  
• My friends
  I'll miss having people to hang out and talk with. Hopefully I can make new friends somehow.
  
• My car
  I'm a slave to the public transportation system now. I've been spoiled rotten in the past years. If I can possibly afford it though, I've been considering renting a car now and then in England to drive out to see some of the countryside as well. That is if I can ever get used to the idea of people driving on the wrong side of the road. Gack! Driver seat on the right side of the car? Umm maybe I should just forget the whole idea...
  
• Chinchillas
  I'll worry about my critters more than I'll actually miss them, to be honest. It's not that mom would intentionally neglect them, but I fear the reverse - that she fills them up with too many goodies and then their little livers and hearts will burst from sugar & fat overdose. They won't get out of the cage much either. I feel so guilty about just dumping them on my mother. They're my responsibility.
  

Posted 21:12

Computers
After lengthy pondering and a nice travel bonus from a fatherly direction along with the money I had from trading in my old computer, I decided to buy myself a laptop. It's not that I absolutely must have a computer along for the trip, but having one will greatly add to my comfort. I know that I'll be feeling lost, insecure and homesick at some point and as sad as it may be, a computer does provide a certain kind of a safe refuge for me, a familiar world where I can retreat to if necessary. In the years since I got a Commodore 64 I haven't lived without a computer much. I'll be able to play my CDs, I can watch DVDs, a couple of my games actually run on the laptop, I can write stuff (still thinking of NaNoWriMo) and hopefully I can occasionally log on to the internet as well.

As addicted as I think I am to computers, it never ceases to amaze me though how quickly I am able to let go of them during vacations. During the 16 day trip to USA last summer I never longed for a computer or felt the need to log in. Only on the day before last as I was wandering alone and happened to walk by a cybercafe did the thought cross my mind. I can spend the entire 2-3 week trip not once thinking of computers, but the instant I return back home I need to login to check my e-mail. No matter how exhausted I was or how I had decided to go straight to bed after work, I always found myself logging in, even if only for a couple of minutes. As long as computers are out of my sight, I am well and able to forget about them, but when in the presence of one, I just lose control.

Hi, my name is Aurel and I'm a compuholic.
Posted 21:20

The day approaches
I'm feeling better today, hurray! Sore throat and stuffy nose are still there, but at least the fever is gone and I've been able to function. The chinchillas are now gone. I'm really going to miss them and worry that they're ok. I returned all my gear and keys to the workplace. I said goodbye to my best friend. It's all really happening. Today is Sunday. It's so hard to believe that by Tuesday I'll be in England.
Posted 19:21

Yay and Oh no!
The good news is that today was my last day at work (until I begin the new one). The bad news is that I am sick: sore throat, stuffy nose and fever. This really couldn't have happened at a worse time. /"&%/"%#/"%#!!! Hopefully, please oh please, relaxing the rest of the day and a good nights sleep will cure me.

Something funny though... My mom's trying to figure out how to use the computer. She called me because her screen had filled with all kinds of windows and she couldn't get onto the internet. So I tried to offer assistance through the phone "See the X in the upper right corner of that window, press it with the left button on the mouse" etc etc. I kept telling her what to do and she kept telling me that either nothing happened or that things just kept on getting worse. After a lot of going back and forth of "Be sure to press the left button, quickly" etc we finally figured out that she had actually been holding the mouse upside down the whole time...

Posted 18:54

Fears
I've always been very good at pushing myself into weird situations. I get completely excited about some idea and do what it takes to make it work out, but then when I have it, I realize it's not really what I wanted after all. I'm not having regrets now, I'm still excited about going to London, but I've also become more aware of the fact that I might just end up having a miserable time in England instead.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to make any kind of a connection with the people and the place. That I'll just count the days until my return and after a few months come happily back to Finland without having really learned or experienced anything. It's so hard for me to make new friends. Maybe I'll hang out with some German and Italian co-worker a couple of times, perhaps see a movie once a month with them and that'll be the extent of the "friendships" that I'll make. I have nothing against Germans and Italians, but when I go to England I'd mostly like to meet with English people. I want to make friends with the locals. I want to feel like I belong there. I don't want to feel like a temporary tourist, but rather experience life to the fullest. I don't know how to accomplish that. I always try to keep an open-mind, smile and act friendly, but nothing changes the fact that I am really shy and usually end up being the outsider whom nobody notices.

I also fear that people will think me weird, because of my particular English accent. Or worse yet, they'll think I am putting on some act in an attempt to look cool. The fact is that I sound like a Finnish person trying to speak like an American. Lately I've tried to practice talking English in a pure Finnish accent, but I just can't do it anymore. I've had this mixed accent for too long. I'd love to learn the proper English accent instead. I think the generic British English just sounds so fascinating. I realize there are dozens of different accents in Britain though, some of which resemble Swahili more than they do English in fact. I fear that I won't be able to understand some people. They'll think they're talking in English, they'll know that I understand English and yet I'll just stare at them with confusion and keep repeating "Ummm, what did you say?"

One of my fears is that I'll be proven to be a complete idiot. If I were travelling to Brazil or Korea the locals could perhaps forgive me for not being so well educated about their country, but this is England, part of Europe, practically around the corner from Finland. I feel like I should know a lot more than I do now. I know tidbits from here and there. I know the English education system has some things called A-levels and O-levels, but I have no clue what those really mean. I know they have a Labour party and judging from the name I can make some guesses, but I don't really know what the party's agenda is. I'm not an avid football (aka soccer) fan and off-hand I can only remember three British teams (Manchester United, Glasgow Rangers and Arsenal). I know there's a couple Finns playing there somewhere, but no idea in what teams. I fear I'll end up making some horribly stupid comment on the scale of "Oh, England has a Queen then? What's her name?" or something and people will shake their heads in disgust and leave me alone.

And just in case I try to console myself with the fact that well, perhaps the English people don't know so much about Finland in turn, it'll be just my luck that I'll bump into some ultimate Finnish expert. He/she will want to discuss the details of a document President Kekkonen delivered to Russia in 1976 or some such and all I'll be able to say is that I have no idea and I will be proven to be an idiot even when it comes to matters of my own country.

The rest of my fears are much more common. It's going to be hard to adjust to living with a family again, being surrounded by other people. I'm too used to my own habits, my privacy and not having to share things with anybody. I can try to be social and out-going when amongst other people, but home has always been the place where I can truly be myself and relax. Solitude is how I charge my batteries and I don't know how much I'll be able to do that.

The future job worries me a little, but as odd as it might sound, working as a cleaner has given me a lot of self-confidence in regards to work. I've realized that I can do anything possible if I just put my mind to it and don't let myself quit too easily, which I am prone to do. I'll be working in a cafe at the airport and I am already entertaining ideas about how to spook the occasional Finnish passengers by suddenly saying something in Finnish.

Only three more days to go...
Posted 14:42

Some pictures
For some reason the scanned pictures look a lot darker than the originals. I'm sure that's fixable somewhere, but these will have to do for now.
The view
My three furballs
Posted 17:08

Deleted
Written on Thursday actually
I got so angry yesterday (Wednesday) about a number of things. I wrote a lengthy rants and ravings post where I vented it all out, but I chose not to publish the entry right then. Today I have calmed down and I've decided to delete the entry after all. Maybe that's not the correct way of doing things, in my own blog and all, but a lot of the things I got so mad about were really personal and on later reflection I don't want them published all over the world yet. I can't forget nor can I fully forgive either, but I'm not angry anymore. Writing it all down, whether nobody will ever get to read it or not, helped me a great deal in any case.

I do have a great many other things I'd like to write about here though, but lately finding the time has been really hard. When I am not working I'm running from place to place to take care of everything. Not really complaining, but it would be nice to be able to just sit down and relax for a while too. On the other hand being busy keeps me from getting too nervous.
Posted 22:34

Busy
I've written down a list of things that I need to take care of before I leave for London. For some odd reason though no matter how many things I do the list doesn't seem to get any shorter. I've gotten the plane tickets now. I leave Oct 22nd, that's next Tuesday. My heart skips a beat everytime I realize I am actually leaving in a week, for real. I've also done quite a bit of shopping, accessories and some clothes. Went to the bank today as well. It's a little difficult trying to organize everything while still having to work as well, but I'll manage... somehow. Tomorrow I'm taking my computer to my mother. She's never used one and I'm supposed to set up an e-mail account for her and then teach her how to use it. It should prove to be a rather interesting evening. Taking the chinchillas to her place will be a project for another day. Must not think of all the things still left undone or I shall go crazy...
Posted 19:54

Bad things
Today the papers have been filled with photos and stories of the 19 year old chemistry student who blew himself up in the middle of a shopping mall last Friday. Such a nice looking young man who was still living with his parents and a sister. He didn't leave any note behind so the real motive might remain a mystery forever. I can't possibly imagine what the family is going through right now. I hope people will leave them alone, except perhaps to offer their condolances.

It seems so wrong to still dwell on this when a bomb exploded on Bali killing almost 200 people.

So many bad things going on. If humankind still exists 500 years from now, will they look back and pity us for having lived in such dark ages or will they look upon this time period as a heaven compared to theirs?
Posted 13:11

Death penalty
The execution of Aileen Wuornos in Florida was a major headline over here for a couple of days this past week. The tabloids called her the "Finnish killer", because her maternal grandparents were Finnish and that's why the whole incident gained so much attention here.

There's a lot of reasons both for and against the death penalty. I can agree with a lot of the sentiments given by people in favor of the death penalty, but I can equally see wisdom in what the people against it say. I can agree that some criminals just cannot be cured, that keeping them alive would only be a waste of resources and that some crimes are just so horrible that the person who commits such things really deserves to die. At the same time I think of all the innocents who were executed, of how it often takes years to finally execute somebody and how by then they might be a whole different person who no longer deserves to die and finally of how wrong it is to think of money when a human being's life is at stake.

However, for myself, the whole thing really boils down to one single fact: a government cannot say that killing is illegal, if it is in turn legally killing its own citizens. A government cannot operate on the motto that "Don't do as I do, but do as I say". A government is supposed to set the example on how things should be done. They should know better. Murder is a murder even if it is the government doing the deed.
Posted 13:19

The Longest Story Ever
Here's the overly long and boring story finally:

Back in 1996 I visited London for a week with my mother and I absolutely fell in love with the city. We didn't see much of the usual sights, but rather every day we picked out a different park and just spent the day walking around the parks and gardens. Ever since then I've always wanted to go back to London one day.

About a year ago the wish to go back to London got stronger. From there the idea came that why just visit like a tourist for a couple of weeks when I could actually go live and work there for a while. Within the Finnish unemployment office there was a notice from an English company saying that they help people find jobs and accomodation in England. I began telling people that I was thinking of that doing that in the spring.

Spring came and went and I did nothing. The wish to go was still there and people kept asking me about it, but I guess I just didn't want to go badly enough. I kept having different kinds of excuses, the trip to USA was being planned etc. It just wasn't the right time.

After coming back from USA and over the summer the wish to go to London kept getting stronger, eventually developing into a kind of an urgency, which I really can't explain. I contacted the business, sent in my application, phoned them, exchanged e-mails and started waiting. I told them that I was thinking of staying for 3 months beginning the 1st of October. I gave my apartment to a friend and got a job to help with paying for the plane tickets and other expenses.

October kept getting closer, but I just wasn't getting any information from the company. I e-mailed them again and they told me that as soon as they'd know anything they'd let me know. So I waited and waited. October started and I still hadn't gotten any word. Eventually I had to accept the fact that it had been a lost cause and all my waiting had been for nothing. I couldn't accept it though. The sense of urgency had built up to such proportions that I couldn't bear the thought that I'd be stuck in Finland after all. I had a job that I didn't really like, I was living in a temporary place, I really had nothing keeping me here and my mind had been completely set on going.

I began to consider the option of just flying to London and searching for employment there myself. As much as I have misgivings about the European Union the one great thing is that I can go to any EU nation, get a job and live there just like the citizens of that country. No need for permits or visas. I asked a couple of people if they'd possibly know of anybody who'd be willing to let me stay at their home while I look for a job and thus save on the living expenses while I had no income. I began to look into the cheapest possible hostels. I wasn't going to be picky about employment. Any work washing dishes or cleaning hotels would have been fine, just as long as it would have paid for the living expenses and food. I had saved almost all the money I had gotten from work, paying for my food with money from empty bottles and such, so I had enough for the plane tickets and to additionally support myself for a while.

It was still quite a leap to make though - just flying to a foreign country and hoping to find work somewhere. Apart from a few people on the internet whom I haven't met in real life yet, I didn't know anybody in England. I gave myself until Thursday, Oct 10th, to decide once and for all if I was going to go ahead with my plan or just forget about London completely. When I got back from work late Wednesday night there was an e-mail waiting for me. I had written to the UK embassy in Finland asking a few details about living and working in England, wanting to make sure I really didn't need any permits and things like that. They answered my questions and in closing wished me a pleasant time in the UK. I took that as a positive sign, one that was telling me to say yes to my plan.

Thursday morning I got online again and found another e-mail waiting. This one was from the English company! With my hands trembling I began to read the mail and found it to contain information about a place to stay and a job position for me. That the e-mail came on the same day that I was going to make my decision was the final sign, for me, that I was meant to go. I e-mailed all the relevant information to a friend and asked his help in finding out if everything seemed alright. As excited as I was, I was still aware that there are all kinds of scams and bad things in the world and I didn't want to end up as a sex slave in Saudi Arabia all of a sudden.

I went and booked myself a flight to London. They gave me a couple of days before I'd actually have to confirm and pay for it. I gave a resignation notice at work, something which wasn't received very happily, but at least the boss thanked me for letting her know in advance. I offered to do as many extra shifts as necessary, partially to help out with the worker shortage there and partly because I could always use even more money. The job offer that I had received wasn't going to pay very much, but just enough for room and food as I had originally thought anyhow, so it was good to have as much savings as possible before I left.

And, well, here I am, back to the present. Feeling both excited and nervous and my head filled with all kinds of thoughts - enough of them to make another entry another time.
Posted 10:10

Explosion
Seems that the explosion at the shopping center made itself even to yahoo news. Last night they were still suspecting gas bottles to be the cause, but this morning there's more talk of the possibility of a crime. Not a very cheerful thought. I've been to that mall several times...

Update at 11.45:
It's now been confirmed to have been a bomb. The identity of one of the dead is still unknown and he is suspected to have been the bomber. On the news clip that I just saw the reporter asked the police officer whether the suspect was a white male. Hmm. They wouldn't give any details yet. The government has convened to an emergency session about the incident and its implications. Something like this has never happened here before.

Update at 17.00:
The bomber is now suspected as having been a Finnish man, under 20 years of age and a student at the University. No idea of the motive yet. My guess is that it was either an accident, where explosive material in his possession suddenly blew up, or then an elaborate suicide where he wanted to take as many people as possible with him. I just can't possibly think of any political motive for something like this, but then again there's all kinds of nutjobs out there. Sigh.
Posted 09:28

My soul
Found this test from Ignispati. I can certainly agree with the need for change and adventure. The other parts I agree with here and there, but some things are a bit questionable. When's an internet test been known to be 100% accurate anyhow?

I am truly passionate.

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.


You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

Posted 09:45

I'm gonna do it
The answer is 'yes' (no I'm not getting married though). I'll explain everything soon, perhaps tomorrow. I have some things to take care of and then I must be off to work until midnight.
Posted 13:09

Found these questions over at Dreaming in reality and figured that answering them would give me a nice distraction for a while.

1. Your name spelled backwards.
lerua (sorry, not telling my real name)

2. Where were your parents born?
western Finland

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A Windows update

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
Crete restaurant in Helsinki

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Last winter sometime

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
A few. One of them my friends and I made up on our own and then went to the principal to ask if we could perform it at the end of the year assembly in front of the whole school and parents. I was so nervous that my voice was barely audible.

7. How many kids do you want?
Three might be nice. More than one definately.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Country.

9. Are you registered to vote?
We don't have to register around here. If you're over 18 then you can just vote.

10. Do you have cable?
Umm I suppose so, but if you're asking whether I have paid money to receive extra channels on it, then no.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Yes. One of the scariest rides of my life.

12. Ever prank call anybody?
All the time and almost daily when I was young. Such a menace.

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Lots and lots.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Done sky diving. Perhaps getting too old for bungee jumping as I am losing my nerve to really do it.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled.
USA and Thailand I guess are furthest geographically from here.

16. Do you have a garden?
Nope.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?
All time favorite would be Peanuts.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Depends how you count all. The anthem actually has nine verses, but only the first and last are ever sang and I do know those well.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, night. I'd use a bath tub a lot more if I actually had one.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Only been to one movie in the past month - Signs. If I can count a few months back, I'd say About a boy.

21. Favorite pizza topping?
Onions.

22. Chips or popcorn?
Chips

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
I don't wear lipstick.

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Excuse me?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Me? *laughs* Nope.

26. Orange Juice or apple?
Orange juice

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
My mother and a Crete restaurant

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Tupla (Finnish kind, don't know if it has an equivalent elsewhere)

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Presidential elections in umm... 1999.

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Couple weeks ago. My mother grows them.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
I got a little plaque when our boat came in 4th place in a sailing competition once.

32. Are you a good cook?
Nope.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas.
These questions are weird. Of course I do.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Eeewww, never.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Aren't they really the same thing?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
I do now.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Pain medication.

38. Ever throw up in public?
Unfortunately yes.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Find true love.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
What kinds of numbers are those? Porn/chat/etc? Then no.

42. Can ex's be friends?
Certainly.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a Hospital?
I don't want to say.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
As much as I can remember from the photos, I think so.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
Don't have an answering machine, but my mobile phone says something like "Hi, this is [bleep]. Leave a message." Short and to the point.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
I haven't watched the show enough to have even the remotest clue.

47. What was the name of your first pet?
Ville.

48. What is in your purse?
I'm so weird, but I don't own a purse. My trusty backpack holds my wallet and mobile phone usually.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Read a book.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Apart from the usual, being grateful for my health, friends etc, the fact that sun is shining outside.

Anybody have other questions to ask me?
Posted 09:07

And
I just love the comments... now they work, now they don't... now they make the page load very slowly, now they make the page load all whacked up... I'm the typical internet user - griping and moaning about things I get for free.
Posted 23:07

One of my days
I've been to work today, ate rest of the pizza from yesterday, watched the end of The Majestic and returned it and Black Hawk Down to the video store, took a nap for a couple of hours and am now watching Moby's live concert from Copenhagen on MTV Europe. That's about the usual excitement level that my life has.

Through it all my mind is constantly occupied with one single thought. There's a ball of twist in my stomach and I feel nervous and agitated. I have a very important decision to make. I have given myself until Thursday to make up my mind. I have been so sure before, but now as the day gets closer, I just don't know. Am I making the worst mistake of my life? Why couldn't things work out the way they were supposed to? That would have been so much simpler. Why do I always put myself into these situations? What should I do?
Posted 22:25

Become a blood donor today!
I went to donate blood today. It was my 10th visit so they gave me a pin. I wish they would give money for blood around here, but I can perfectly understand the reasons why not. It took me years to gather the courage to go donate for the first time. It was always one of those things that I really wanted to do, but I was always too scared of the needles and the pain. The thought of all that blood, fainting and everything was just too much. Then something happened online, which finally made me change my mind and go.

Back in the days when I was an active member of certain internet communities we received a message one day that one of our members had died. I didn't really know him that well. We had chatted a few times here and there. I knew he was having some kinds of problems, because he told me he was going to get a lung transplant and at the time I marveled that such a thing was even possible. Since we weren't better friends I didn't want to intrude on his privacy and inquire further. He was always very happy and even treated the whole lung transplant thing like it was nothing at all, so his death came as a big shock to us.

His mother sent us all a letter and that was the final nudge that started me towards the blood donation center. For any of the readers who are still a bit afraid of donating blood, like I was before, here's the general gist on what really happens. First of all, I'd recommend going to an actual red cross center. I've never taken part in any blood drives that happen at schools or wherever, but I would imagine that the situation at such locations is a bit more hectic and for your first time it's better to go to a calmer environment. Secondly, this is how things happen at the center in Helsinki, so I cannot vouch for all the centers around the world, but I'd imagine it to be fairly similar everywhere.

First I go to the counter and they check my information, for example when is the last time that I donated. There needs to be at least 90 days in between donations. They give me a document to fill out. It has all kinds of questions on it such as 'Have you had unprotected sex with a new partner lately?' or 'Do you or any of your relatives suffer from disease X?'. The most interesting question is 'Have you lived more than 6 months in Britain between the years 1980-1996?'. Fears of mad cow disease... Anyhow, after marking the correct boxes I go to get my hemoglobin checked. With a tiny needle they prick my finger and take a couple of drops of blood. I hate that part. There are so many nerve endings at the tip of the finger that that actually hurts more than the donating itself. Still, it's over in a second. If my hemoglobin is high enough they let me proceed into the actual donation room. I lie back, offer out my arm and they stick a needle into it. You know how doctors and dentists are always saying 'Oh this will only hurt a little bit' and then it actually hurts A LOT? Well, this is the honest to god truth, it really does not hurt. Really. Sure there's a tiny pinch, but that's really all it is. The area where they stick the needle just isn't that sensitive. Getting vaccinations hurts a heck of a lot more, even when they stick it to your behind, because then they're pushing stuff into you. So then I just lie there for a couple of minutes with a needle stuck to my arm and a tube draining blood into a bag. Seeing my own blood like that is actually quite fascinating. When the bag's full they remove the needle, bandage the arm and that's it.

You're supposed to lie down for a while before getting up. A couple of times they've had to bring me back, because I've almost fainted. There's a cafeteria by the center where all donators get free food and those couple of times I got as far as the cafeteria before everything started to go black. I sat down and tried to shake myself out of it, but kept feeling worse. The cafeteria personel asked me if I was feeling ill and I croaked yes after which they brought in stretches and wheeled me back to rest for a few minutes. No big deal. If I had been smart enough to just lie down patiently long enough in the first place, it wouldn't have happened at all.

I try to donate blood fairly regularly. I am also registered as a blood plasma donor and have been called in to do that once by now. I am part of the bone-marrow transplant donator list, but most likely I'll never be called to do that. And naturally I have also signed an organ donor card. I'd like to pretend to be noble and say that I am doing all these things, because I am such a great person, but my biggest motivator is really quite selfish. Donating blood and being part of these lists makes me feel better about myself. I can pat myself on the back and say that I did a good thing today. I can pretend that perhaps I helped in part to save somebody's life today and therefore I am an important person. It all really boils down to me, myself and I in the end, but if that also helps others then I guess it isn't so bad.

Here's the touching mail that Dan's mother sent to us after he died:

To All Danny's On-Line Friends: This is Danny's mom, Cathie. Thank you so much for your wonderful notes about Danny. I think it is really important for you to know that Daniel was a very special, beautiful,and courageous young person who touched all who knew him.Because Danny was born with Cystic Fibrosis, a progressive lung disorder that is terminal, we have grieved a little for him each day, knowing his time with us would be cut short. Because of this we loved Danny as much as we could each day and I never, ever forgot to tell him "I love you so much Danny, more than anything in the world." Although Danny received daily therapy and breathing treatments and was frequently in the hospital and on IV medication, he was a happy person who lived life to the fullest! He knew that life is what you make it. You can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and you can't really live worrying about "what if's" and "if only's". Danny made the best of everything and never complained or felt sorry for himself. He took everything in stride, and I know he never, ever feared death or even thought about dying. He loved life and had an awesome sense of optimism!! When Danny was in school, he was an exceptional student and was loved by his teachers. Even tho he hadn't been able to attend school for the past year or so, he excelled at home teaching. His favorite subjects were computers,math,and English(he wrote wonderful poems and short stories). By September, 1997, Danny's CF had progressed to the point where he was hooked up to an oxygen machine 24 hours a day and was on tube feeding at night! Still, he never complained and never really worried about anything. Like one of you said, it was like he was a superman inside. Then, on September 3, Danny received the most wonderful gift...new lungs!! Lungs that were donated by parents who had lost their own young son suddenly. From the moment he awoke after surgery Danny's life had changed. Can you imagine how it must've felt to be able to actually breath....take a breath without effort or pain. I can't but I know he was so so happy and so lucky to have received such a gift!! He rode his bike to town, something he hadn't been able to do for almost a year!Last month he got his driver's license and drove my car whenever and wherever possible. He set up his own checking and savings accounts and got his own ATM card! He even started working part time at a computer training center.He was so very, very happy and so very, very proud! Danny started having some minor lung problems a couple of months ago.The complications led to Danny receiving a new medication which caused him to go into shock on April 1 and he was helicoptered to UC San Diego Med Center.The doctors still aren't sure what happened but whatever, Danny did not suffer. He was in UC San Diego Intensive Care from April 1 to April 13, and he never really "woke up." Although they did all they could do to save him, his heart gave out on April 13. They tried to revive him but it just wasn't meant to be.If they had brought him back, he would not have been like he was. He would have been on some kind of machine,lots of medication, and IV's for a long, long time..maybe even forever. Danny would not have wanted that. After having been able to live like a regular person, how could he give that all up and live hooked up to something? He couldn't....He left us not knowing he was going and not feeling any pain or fear....that was a blessing for him!! We are having a memorial service for Daniel on April 25 in Ojai. If any of you want to come, we would love to have you with us.We ask that in Daniel's memory, you do all you can to tell people about Danny and about organ donation. Danny listed himself as an organ donor on his driver's license and was always hoping everyone would do that so other really sick kids like him could have a chance at life! Please do this is Danny's memory, share the gift of life by making sure your family knows that you want to be an organ donor!! In closing, I'd like to say that because of Danny's situation, a very big part of his life were his online relationships. He sat at his computer and "talked" with you-all and loved it!! He would just sit here and laugh and type and laugh and type and laugh... he was always laughing!! You were such a big part of his life and made him so very very happy. Thank you to all of you, with all my heart, Love from Danny's mom.

Posted 16:06

Check me into the looney bin
The air and the water temperature were both +7 C (45F) today as I went between the sauna and the lake. With every step I kept thinking that I have gone completely crazy, but I couldn't help it - it was a lot of fun.
Posted 18:37

Winter comes
It is snowing outside. Depressing. All the trees haven't even changed colour yet and already we have snow. The other night as I was driving to work the temperature outside was +2C (35F) and in the morning I had to scrape the windshield clear of ice. This morning was worse as my car was covered in a layer of snow when I started towards home. Most of the snow now melts away as it hits the ground though.

However, we were very lucky this year. Up until the middle of September we were enjoying exceptionally warm days for the time of year, around +20C (68F). Then it changed literally overnight and has been going for the worse quickly. It's so terrible to read from so many people's blogs and diaries how much they just love the fall/autumn season. You people have no idea what autumn even means! Hmph! Snow in October and snow still in May. The prospect of all those cold, dark months ahead is so depressing. At least this year the warmer, sunnier season was very long though, so it gives some strength to get through another winter. I still wish I could go back to the days of April when I was worshipping the sun and summer was so close.

With all of this snow one would think we'd be like the eskimos and have dozens of different words to describe different types of snow, but I'm afraid we don't. I think we might have a couple that do not have a ready equivalent in the English language, but otherwise it's much the same. We don't even have a word for 'snowing' but rather say it 'rains snow'. I think we try to live in denial and pretend the white substance really doesn't exist.

Soon I'll have to change the tires on the car from summer to winter ones. They can be changed from 1st of October onwards if the weather requires it, but from 1st of November it's mandatory that all cars have winter tires on. Then a similar kind of a deal in the spring with changing back to summer tires. The joy never ends. I need a man to do these things for me. Well, a man at the gas station changes the tires now, but I meant one that I wouldn't have to pay.

Even though snow gives me an 'oh god no, not again' feeling, there is still something rather magical about the first snow fall. Another magical moment is when the snow stays and all the landscapes are changed entirely. That's really the only benefit I can think of about getting snow - the wonders of how different the world looks half of the year. When it's winter it's impossible to imagine what the world was like in the summer and vice versa. Such a huge difference with everything - weather, how things look, clothes, activities, people's attitudes and so on. I think I wrote all of this back in the spring already. It's one of those things that I always marvel about twice a year, in the midst of change from one season to another.

Hopefully the change in seasons will bring some change to my life as well.
Posted 09:34

Here I go
Well, I did it. I signed up for National Novel Writing Month. Good thing it doesn't really start until November, so I still have plenty of time to procrastinate...
Posted 16:54

Ha ha
World's funniest joke.
Posted 09:02

Politics
I am interested in politics, quite a lot actually, but usually I don't write about it, because so many others can put into words my own thoughts much better than I ever could. Body and Soul managed to list reasons against the war in Iraq so excellently and I fully agree with her. This was another gem that I found today and while I am not an American, the entry still gives a lot to think about.
Posted 19:01

Moby's concert
I had a great time at the concert. It was quite different from what I expected. Part of me was fearing to see nothing but a stage, a keyboard and a man behind the keyboard punching a few buttons to make the keyboard create all the songs automatically, but no, it was a real show, and a good one at that. I'm not a huge Moby fan. I liked the album 'Play' well enough, and have lately begun to appreciate '18' more after repeated hearings, but what has really drawn me to the artist has been his website. I love his wacky sense of humour, his self-irony, his political and ideological beliefs and generally his way of looking at the world.

The show started off with Röyskopp as the warm-up band, a mostly unheard of technoish Norwegian band (I think) whose song 'Remind me' plays on the Nordic version of MTV Europe a lot. I actually liked their other songs more and will have to check out the album later.

Moby's show consisted of a lot of real instruments, real playing and real singing performed by an actual band. Not really something I expected from somebody mostly branded as a techno artist. They played very different, better, more upbeat versions of the songs on 'Play' and '18', with a couple of others I had not heard before plus two cover songs. Even 'Jam for the Ladies', which I really don't care for, was changed a great deal and sounded very good live.

I wish I could see the concert again. Instead of sitting on a seat, I'd definately go dance on the floor. No matter what the music is like, concerts always have their own special atmosphere that draws one in. I hadn't been to a concert in years and had forgotten how much fun it is. The person I went with said that next time we should get drunk first though. I don't quite understand it. I'm the weird Finn. I had a fantastic time as it was and I could enjoy all of the show with all of my senses intact, rather than muddle out my brains and barely remember that I was at a concert afterwards. I'll refrain from making another rant about Finns and alcohol and just conclude with saying that I highly recommend going to see Moby if possible.
Posted 13:53

Missed him
Damn. Moby is in Helsinki right now:

i just got back from walking around downtown at helsinki at 5 a.m while shooting the next episode of 'senor mobys'.
and my hands are red and freeeeeeezzzzing.
it's cold here.
ok, not bitterly cold.
but cold.

I was working in downtown at 5am! In a few hours I'm off to a concert to see him.

Posted 17:06

2.5 months to go!
There's a new trailer out for Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (thanks to SPB for the heads up!). I really want my fast connection back! So far the modem has resisted my attempts to download the entire clip, so I have yet to actually see it *sob*.
Posted 08:55

Blondes are an endangered species
The last natural blondes will die out within 200 years. Researchers predict the last truly natural blonde will be born in Finland - the country with the highest proportion of blondes.
Posted 08:43

My own short version of Artists vs. Techies
The on-going discussion about Artists vs. Techies over at Body and Soul has been quite interesting - the general premise of it being that too much emphasis these days is given to tangible things, things that can be valued and measured as in the sciences rather than art.

I have a friend who has a Master's degree in English philology, meaning that she has studied many aspects of the the English language, its history, grammar, literature, translation etc and then written a ~120 page thesis, relying on theorems and logical conclusions, on the matter. She is also unable to find proper work. The viewpoint that most seem to have is that since just about everybody can speak English here, they have no use for her. While her specific skills might not be in that much of a demand, people should look at the larger picture. The fact that she has been able to acquire a Master's degree should be evidence enough that she is not stupid. No matter how much education in whichever field one has, nobody is an expert at a job until they actually begin to do it and learn first hand. No matter where you go, nobody expects you to know all there is to know right from the start. My friend has the brains and the capability to learn, but nobody will even give her a chance.

A recent study showed that most university educated women in Finland end up doing temporary jobs in a field that they did not study for. It's not necessarily evidence of discrimination against women (although surely that exists as well), but more a reflection on the fact that most women study humanities at the university. Humanities - history, anthropology, philosophy etc - are all subjects that do not directly prepare one for any specific job. People who study marketing, medicine or computer science are much easier to define. A history major who doesn't want to or cannot find a job in a museum is at a loss as to what do for a living instead.

It's a sad world though that begins to have less and less a place for artists and humanists. People's worth seems to be counted only in how much money they can bring to a corporation. The unemployed are often saying how they feel completely worthless as human beings, as if work was the only thing that defines them. How many people who really wanted to study art history choose chemistry instead, because of the higher chance to find a good job at the end of their studies? We cannot all become artists, but then not everybody is inclined to become one anyway. If billions are already poured into the movie industry to entertain us on our time off, shouldn't it be equally evident that while all the historians, anthropologists and philosophers may not bring on the flashy shows to amuse us their work still enriches our lives and is thus equally important.
Posted 10:43