Hidden thoughts and interests

Things of the past again
I did something extremely brave yesterday. It might not seem very brave or even noteworthy to other people, but for me it was something that I have been trying to do for the past few years and now finally succeeded.

I've always felt really bad about how one of my relationships ended, about how I ended it in fact. At the time I was depressed, on the rebound from another, generally confused in the head and shocked about my parents' sudden divorce. I kept everything inside however and attempted to live a normal life and love the new man in my life. The charade didn't last for very long however and instead of explaining everything to him, all the hurt inside began to lash out at him. I didn't treat him very well and in the end simply withdrew and avoided him, never giving any explanation as to what happened.

I have been ashamed and troubled by my actions since. After coming to my senses finally I wanted to tell him everything, to explain why things had turned out the way they did. I hesitated for the longest time - perhaps he no longer had any interest to hear from me or perhaps my explanation would only result in opening old wounds again. He is still one of the nicest men I have ever known and I didn't want to hurt him again. I often thought about him, wishing he was living a happy life and always trying to gather up my courage to talk to him.

Yesterday I finally managed to write a very long e-mail, where I started from the beginning and explained everything in detail. I still can't believe I actually did that. I thought I would feel a sense of instant relief at having finally confessed to everything, but instead I felt almost numb. I spent the following hours at work barely thinking about the whole matter, but when I returned home and saw that he had replied I got really scared. With my hands trembling and heart beating wildly I opened the reply mail and read it.

He told me not to worry. He said that he understood completely. He wrote that life takes us in many directions and even the unpleasant things are there to be learned from. He said that he remembers our time together as a pleasant period in his life and has never held any grudges against me. It was a very touching and reassuring mail. He also wrote an update about his life these days, the most important being that he has gotten married and lives very happily. When I read that I began to cry, tears of joy though. I got the relief I had been looking for and felt extremely happy for him. He really deserves all the happiness in the world.

Perhaps it was and has been foolish of me to put so much weight into all of this. Perhaps to everybody else what I just wrote seems like such an insignificant thing, but for me it almost feels like I've taken another step towards really becoming an adult. The demons of my past may be tiny bugs compared to the monsters others have, but they are still things that bother me and things that I want to remedy. I faced and tackled one of the bothersome worries and the success has given me more courage to take on another one. One thing at a time.
Posted 10:07

Attention Feeorin
If you see this, I am unable to read your blog. Trying to get to the page only results in a message that I am trying to download the file journal from www.feeorin.com.
Posted 13:36

Listed
My blog has found its way onto a Finnish Yahoo-like website that lists, among other things, Finnish blogs. Somebody wrote this description:

Kolmekymppinen naispuolinen bloggaaja kirjoittaa ajatuksiaan nettipäiväkirjaan. Lue merkintöjä, osallistu keskusteluun lähetä kommentti. Englanniksi.

which translates to:

Thirtysomething female blogger writes her thoughts into a netdiary. Read the entries, take part in discussion, send a comment. In English.

So, that's me, I guess.
Posted 13:33

Writer's block
Since the topic is kind of relevant right now, I'll take this opportunity to steal a poem from Obconic.

Writer's block
by Helen Nicholson

If I dared write
I would carve my words from a rock;
scrape a line with a flint
sparking off malachite,
or smell the sulfur linger from a struck match
as I flare what I feel to the world.
I would give you cadences Cuillin-sharp
or rolling as the ocean;
line breaks dangerous as a
ravine;
assonance subtle as the dying wind.
I would write of tears and dissolve your page.
I would write of drought
and you would scrape the dust from your hands.
The tinder of my parched heart
would spark forest fires.
I would growl a word
and you would hear the thunder.
Posted 12:55

Compliments
I am having problems writing about anything at all at the moment. It's taken me half an hour just to get that first sentence out. At this rate I'll be done with this entry sometime next week. My general feelings of anxiety and melancholy at present are part of the reason for the writer's block, but most of it is due to praise. Yes, praise.

Some days ago I contemplated on the hardships I've had in fulfilling my dream to become a writer and I received some encouraging comments in return. I also wrote a bit of a political entry and some people commented that while they do not always agree with me, they have visited my site because of my writing quality. Now I find out that Lynn, whom I was sure would never read my blog again after the comment she left, has placed a link to my blog stating "she does write very well". Help.

Suddenly I am feeling overly self-conscious. While previously the words simply flowed out and I read through the thing once to check for typos, now I find myself pondering on every word, wondering if it'll live up to my usual standards. I feel like I should write about something larger than life, some grand topic of wide interest, rather than silly childhood stories and whining about my life. Even writing about all of this seems so pointless, because surely lots of people before me have said the exact same things and I am not offering any new insights into the matter.

I've never been good at receiving praise. I was one of those people who simply stared back in embarrassment when somebody would compliment the shirt I was wearing - until I was told I was expected to say thank you instead. I won't dwell into a sappy childhood story again about how I was never loved or praised, but it is true that praise in general is not a prominent part of the Finnish culture, unfortunately. We appear to be more possessed by envy, always grumbling jealously if it looks like our neighbour is doing better than us. There is a well-known Finnish proverb that says "modesty makes one beautiful" (vaatimattomuus kaunistaa). We are expected to remain low-key at all times, boasting about ones accomplishments is the sign of an idiot and any form of praise would only make a person overly proud, so it needs to be avoided. Modesty may be a virtue, but I think we take it too far.

I still have such a long ways to go to learn to take compliments (as well as negative comments) for simply what they are and move on. I feel flattered, it has boosted my self-esteem somewhat and brought a smile to my face, but I shouldn't let it affect the way how and what I write in my own blog. This isn't some popularity contest where I try to lure in readers by writing well, but rather I want to write in a way that feels natural to me. If it pleases other people as well, so much the better. I'll keep repeating that today to my writer's block, which is still lurking around the corner.
Posted 12:45

Thousand words that made me smile
Guess who this is.
Posted 00:36

Ummm
The words have all left me. I'm back to checking my e-mail every 30 minutes in the hopes that the good news would have finally arrived. So far no such luck and the melancholy has settled in again.
Posted 14:39

Back
I am so stuffed, oh god my stomach is about to burst. Really great food. We sat for about 4 hours and just ate and talked. Such bliss. I drank about 1.5 bottles of wine total and feel a slight buzz now. Everything that was so wrong with the world feels so right now and I am happy.
Posted 20:56

Life's little disappointments
I was supposed to find out something important by Monday, but now it's Tuesday and I still don't know. It might be days or even weeks now, no idea. I hate being stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. Something exciting was meant to happen and now it never might after all. I'm trying to keep optimistic, but... An overly vague and strange entry, I know, but I just don't want to get into the details at the moment.

My mother and I are off to eat at a restaurant in a few hours. It's kind of a tradition for us to try and do it once a month or so. We do the whole course from appetizers to desserts, taking our time to enjoy the meals, talk and have plenty of excellent wine. I'm looking forward to it very much. Good times to cheer me up.
Posted 13:18

Weird writings
Some days ago Jorggy from Argentina Diary pointed me towards an article about Finland, which has left me quite baffled since. The article, long and a bit hard to read at places, paints a picture of a country I have no experience with. Many of the historical facts are true, but to claim that what happened and was said in 1917 still shapes our country even today is just not true.

In 1917 when Finland declared itself independent from Russia there was a lot of suspicion that Russia might suddenly change its mind and want Finland back. Also, in the beginning there was a lot of debate on what kind of a country Finland should become - some supported communism, others democracy, while some wanted a kingdom with a prospective king from Germany already picked out. At the time Finland consisted mainly of farmlands and peasants, with very few highly educated people and it had never been an independent nation before. Finland had gone from a scattered land of "barbarians" to be owned by Sweden and then by Russia, so everything really had to be learned from scratch. The declaration to independence wasn't helped by the fact that in 1918 a civil war broke out, one between the aristocracy (Whites) and the peasants (Reds) who had grown tired of being oppressed.

So the article is certainly correct in saying that Finland didn't have the best of beginnings and its independence was on a shaky ground, but that was all nearly 90 years ago and we have come a long ways since then. As for the rest of the article... I don't know what to say really. I find everything to be absolute rubbish and completely false, but at the same time I do wonder why did the person write the way he did? Is the situation really as bad as he depicts it to be and I am simply refusing to accept the facts? I've been unable to find the few references mentioned in the article and most of the "facts" given have no link as to where such information came from. I've thought about the whole thing for a few days and I still find the article to be only badly written drivel.

There is no hidden elite that really runs the country like a mafia family and is above the law. Finland was recently chosen as the least corrupt country in the world. I believe in the integrity and honesty of our politicians, but I am also aware that industries and commerce guide their actions a great deal. The decision to build a 5th nuclear power plant was no doubt just a means to provide industries cheaper power. However, if industries flourish due to lower production costs it will also benefit the whole country in the long run. The more money an industry makes the more taxes it will pay.

The power in the Finnish political system is so divided, with many important parties and sections, that it really is impossible for a few individuals to effectively run the country as they please. The prime minister certainly has the most power in the country, but even he must answer to the other ministers and all the members of the parliament. Most things are voted upon before taking effect. The President is left with the right to veto some matters, but mostly she serves as a mentor and ambassador for Finland.

To a pure capitalist this country would probably be a horror. Taxes are very high and much of it is used to maintain a high level of social security. Paid maternity leave is 11 months, fathers get paid paternity leave, all children under the age of 3 are guaranteed a place in a government sponsored child-care center, schools are free, food, medical and dental care throughout the 12 school years are free, universities are free, medical&dental at the university is free and so on. Some object to a system like that, some prefer buying insurances and only paying for their own comforts rather than that of the whole nation. For myself though I take comfort in the kind of communal feeling this "socialist" system of ours provides - everybody taking care of everybody. I know I will not be turned away at a hospital just because I don't have the right kind of insurance.

It's not all peachy though, nothing is perfect. The chance to get near free medical care exists for every citizen, for example, but often due to lack of money the lines are very long. People who cannot afford private care die while waiting for months to get a free surgery. We boast of being one of the most gender equal countries in the world, but yet when comparing academic women to uneducated men, one often finds the uneducated man in a better position. Recently a rapist received a less strict sentence on the grounds that he had a steady job. As if that had anything to do with the crime.

I guess I haven't really commented on the article, but like I said, I don't know what to say about it. All those weird stories of actors refusing to teach politicians to ‘Russia Schitzophrenia’ diagnoses just doesn't seem worth dwelling on. Everything so often boils down to perspective and what you choose to see and believe around you. Perhaps I am naive and uneducated then, but I'll rather belong in the group that says 'Life stinks sometimes, but most of the time it's still damn great'.
Posted 21:06

Trips down the memory lane continue
When I was 10 I was sent off to England for a month. It was one of those language course trips where I stayed in an English family, attended some classes and did other stuff provided by the organization. I ended up doing that for three summers, everytime to Worthing, which is on the coast south of London near Brighton.

One of the letters that I wrote to my parents was included in the photo album. Here's a translation of the letter, weird grammar, typos and all:

Hi! Going good, but I don't have enough money. Don't faint now, but a thief stole 10 pounds from me. You don't have to believe me, but it's true. I've had to borrow money from everybody and now owe about 7 pounds. We went one night, when my wallet was stolen to a chinese restaurant. I borrowed money from Jyri. I have little to tell this time. On Friday we were on Isle of Whgite. And there another ten year old got new camera and film stolen. Terrible! Here I am living as a beggar. I'll try to get to the bank on monday because I have to pay all my debts (I've promised) and then is a mandatory trip to Brighton. We got new French here yesterday, almost all the families who already had children got a french. We three also are now living in the same room. The newest one's name is Ann. We get along great, we talk at night. Soon the Swede, who is actually from Norway is leaving.
Yesterday we had a disco-competition (by the way the new one is not through EF). Finland came in fourth. I've gotten used to the money by now, the penny and shilling were before, but now they've become a pence. Getting used to the time as well once I went to sleep at half past ten which means half past eleven and disco begins at nine which means ten. That's all. Don't feel ill and greetings to VILLE and neighbours.

Greetings: [bleep] [bleep]

PS. How is the weather there, we've just had rain
PS.PS. Had any headaches or else? Write me

Ville was the name of the chinchilla we had at the time. There's a couple of letters from my mother as well. This is the best part in one of them:

Remember to brush your teeth and wash yourself also, so the English people won't wonder how dirty we Finns are.

Posted 10:27

Ouch
The phone bill arrived... $103. $77 of that is just me using the modem and I have been trying to use the internet a lot less than usual. Oh. My. God. The phone company is a damn monopoly so they can charge whatever they want and at the same time advertise for people to get their ADSL connection. Argh! The money is charged automatically from my father's bank account. He's going to flip out when he sees that bill. Well, I've been paying some of his other bills with my own money in his absence so it all probably evens out. I'll still going to hear about it later though.
Posted 09:14

Especially for SPB
Dancing cats.
Posted 09:07

Tired
Work is beginning to take its toll and I feel so sleepy. One more day before I get a short break and can write more... Now I'll soon be off to lose some weight *smirk*.
Posted 20:53

Tiny insignificant things that bug me
I just can't get over the fact how colonel (the military rank) is pronounced in English. My logic says that it'd be along the lines of col-o-nel, but instead comes out as something like kernal (I can't write English phonetically). Just where does the R come from? It's driving me crazy.
Posted 09:21

The sleep diet
I should just sleep all day. I'm always 800g-1kg (~2 pounds) lighter in the morning than right when I went to sleep. With 3kg a day, if I slept the full 24 hours, I could look fabulous in a week!
Posted 09:11

Silly joke
11 people were hanging onto a rope underneath a helicopter, 10 men and 1 woman. The rope wasn't strong enough to support all of them so they had to decide which one should let go, otherwise they'd all plummet to the ground. They couldn't decide on anybody until the woman started giving a rather touching speech. She said she'd volunteer to let go, because she was used to making sacrifices for her husband and her children, because all her life she had given things to men without ever expecting anything in return. Immediatelly after the speech all the men began to clap their hands.
Posted 19:50

The little geek in me
I took my ancient computer (I had two computers for a while) to the store and they paid me $250 for it. Unfortunately they wouldn't give me cash though, but instead I am expected to spend the money on their products. Well, it was the easiest way to get rid of the Linux-infested machine that nobody else would buy because I couldn't get Windows installed on it. Sigh. So I ended up getting myself a CD burner for starters, which has been causing me more gray hairs in the past couple of days. The box said "With easy-to-follow instructions anyone can install the CD-R/RW drive in just minutes!". I should know better than to trust 'anyone' to mean also me. After a lot of pondering of what cable goes where and frantic downloads of windows updates and cd drivers, the apparatus actually seems to work though! Of course it's only playing a CD right now. I don't want to even think of burning anything just yet. I think I'll spend the remaining money on more memory. Hmm. I could have really used the cash instead...
Posted 09:54

Babylon 5 Wisdom (again)
More great words from the Babylon 5 tv series:

"I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair, but then I thought wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
Posted 09:43

What to make of myself
I have a book from childhood where my parents have marked down different things about my development as a child. For example that I learned to sit up leaning against something when I was 4 months old, smiled back to my mother when I was 2 months and said my first word at 13 months old. One of the sections is titled "What I am going to be when I grow up". According to my own words, at 4 years old, I said I was going to be a mother or a nurse. In the part that's called "What others thought I was going to be" my father has written down writer, which I find very interesting. I don't know when it was written nor what inspired others to come to that conclusion.

I still have hopes of becoming a mother one day, but not as a full-time profession though. In the past couple of years I have actually considered becoming a nurse, amazingly enough. It's all part of the desire to feel useful in some fashion, to be able to come home from work and really feel like I have made a difference somewhere. It is too late to make a doctor out of me, but studying to be a nurse would only be a couple of years. Of course I'd have to endure all the strange looks from the other students 10+ years younger than I am.

When I was very little my mother went to see a fortune teller. According to her I would have trouble with my future relationships, because I am so stubborn and like to boss men around. Unfortunately she got that part correct. However, she also predicted that I would either become a priest or a judge. The priest part is quite interesting, because at the time women were not allowed to become priests in the Lutheran church here. I never considered that profession, but the thought of becoming a judge did cross my mind a few times when I was young. Considering my personality now, the willingness to keep an open-mind before making a decision, the desire to see things from as many viewpoints as possible, I think I would have made a great judge. At the time I was far too intimidated by the extremely hard entrance exams though. Some people try many years and still fail to get in. I didn't think I had what it takes.

Out of the choices given this leaves out writer. When it comes to writing I become just the sort of person I cannot stand myself - I talk and talk about it, but never do anything though. I scribble a little something here and there, but then turn away from it in disgust, because I think what I have produced is total garbage. To me writers are people who have always loved to write, who can't wait to write and who spend hours every day just writing about things. There is the desire and ambition in me, but the knowledge that I would just fail is even stronger. I make great stories in my head, think of the dialogues between the characters, go over some parts and refine them, even imagine how everything would look like on paper - all in my head. When I actually sit down and attempt to write it all, I cannot bear to look at the words on the screen, because suddenly all those marvelous ideas have been reduced to stupid and pointless scribblings that nobody would ever bother reading. As long as I keep everything inside my head it is still perfect.

I wish I knew how to fix that. The worlds, the characters, the stories are screaming to be told and since I cannot become an astronaut a writer would be the next best thing. It would actually be something that I want to do for a living, rather than regarding work as the necessary evil to keep food on the table. I don't want fame and fortune, but to simply share the stories that I have. In my mind the characters are alive and it's not fair for me to have them locked up. They deserve to have their voices heard, but my attempts so far have only done them injustice. I'll have to figure out some way how to have more faith in my abilities or, looking over what I just wrote, I might have a future as a schizophrenic instead.
Posted 10:18

Upbeat poem for a change
Found this one at Delirium, Inc:

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Posted 19:37

Ack
The googles just keep on getting worse.
Posted 12:10

Parents
My father has e-mailed me asking about something and I don't want to reply to him. I know that my reply would only result in a lecture again, one about the choices I have made and about wasting my life. Even though I would receive the lecture in an e-mail, in written form, easier to ignore, from a man thousands of miles away, it'd still hurt. Why is it that I still, in my 30s, put so much weight to what my parents think?

When I was young I really thought that once I grew up I'd be on equal terms with my parents. We'd all be adults and they would treat me as I saw them treat all their adult friends. I hated being the child whose opinions never counted for much. However, it's been quite a shock for me to realize that where my parents are concerned, I will never fully grow up. I will always and forever be their child, they will always be the elder and supposedly more wiser and no matter how old I become, I will never be able to perceive my parents like any other adults in my life.

Even though I have lived on my own for twelve years now, taking care of myself quite succesfully, my parents are always quick to judge my life. Some comments are simply gentle nudges, some outright hurtful remarks, but still they are all words that they would never say to any of their friends. My mother dislikes the way how I look and how I clothe myself and she is sure to tell me how I embarrass her with even my presence when amongst other people. My father thinks I am a disgrace, because I still don't have a proper career. Coming from any other adult I'd just shrug off the comments and live my life the way I want to, but when it comes from the parents the remarks hurt, get buried deep within and continue to affect my sense of self-esteem and self-worth for a long time.

I am very grateful to have my parents though. Within me does still live that child who looks to her parents for safety. As alone as I am it is a comfort to know that should anything really drastic happen to me, I'd still have my parents to look after me. Once my parents are gone I'll truly be all alone. I have no siblings, no spouse, no children. Lately I haven't been sure if I have any friends anymore either.

My parents divorced when I was 26. Again I noticed that no matter how old I become and no matter how much I have a life of my own, things like that still shock to the core. Suddenly the child within felt vulnerable and like any child I wished there was some magical trick I could use to make everything good again. Even now when both my parents live happy new lives and I am happy for them, a part of me wishes that they'd still be together. I'd even settle for them being on speaking terms with each other. Like a true divorce child, even in my 30s, I hate being stuck in the middle. When my mother re-married and took a new last name it literally felt like she was throwing away her old life. My mother was called Xxx Yyy and a woman of that name no longer exists. I've never wanted siblings as much as I wanted then, to have somebody else who was going through the exact same things as I was and with whom I could have sorted out my mixed feelings.

I've often wondered if my relationship with my parents would change if I got children of my own. As a parent myself would I then finally be seen as and feel like an equal to them? Most likely not. Abusive and absent or loving and nurturing there's always that special parent-child link that never disappears.
Posted 11:56

More sad poems
Happened to watch Four Weddings and a Funeral once again. The funeral scene still manages to make me cry. The poem by W. H. Auden that is read is called Song IX.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Posted 08:50

300th entry in Hidden thoughts and interests

Blog started: 27th of March, 2002

190/300 entries have been commented on. Total of 544 comments written.

Total visits: 2790 (not counting my own). Average per day: 16

Total pageviews: 3599. Average per day: 21

Most visitors have come from a *.co.uk domain.

On the average between 1/3 to 1/2 of the visits come from google etc. searches.
Posted 20:37

Joanna Lumley
Inspired by the many recent viewings of Sapphire & Steel and the re-runs of Absolutely fabulous, I've been reading the actress Joanna Lumley's biography.

Joanna's earlier years were certainly quite interesting. When she was in her late teens she became worried because she had not yet begun menstruating. All the doctors that she visited kept assuring her that everything would be alright and to simply give it time. When she was finally properly examined they found out that she has this condition called amenorrhoea, which meant that she'd never get periods. Because of this she was also told that she didn't need to use contraceptives, because the lack of periods made her sterile. She was working as a model first, trying to stay very thin, until one day her stomach just started growing. She barely ate anything at all, but still her stomach insisted on getting larger. She went to see several doctors who all assured her that it'd be impossible for her to be pregnant and ushered her out the door. She had one of the urine tests done and it came out negative. The doctors gave her injections and pills to help her lose weight. She became ill and very weak and finally one doctor properly diagnosed her and informed her that she was indeed 6 months pregnant (and subsequently gave birth to a healthy baby boy). The good old 1960s.
Posted 09:02

The Arab world
Among my father's books are several encyclopedias and other non-fiction books about history, geography and the like. I found one that was titled 'The Arab world' by Life world library (Time-Life International). The book is from 1967 and written by Desmond Stewart, a British writer. Putting aside one's own opinions on the whole matter of Israel-Palestine-Arabs and just comparing what was written in 1967 and what can be found written today in various articles etc, it's sad how little some things have changed in the past 35 years. The same excuses, the same resentments, the same feelings still drive the people in that region.

The preface was written by George V. Allen, former U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern and African affairs. Some excerpts:

"Not since the Middle Ages, when its tremendous drive for expansion had a profound effect on the development of European civilization, has the Arab world been an area of such vital concern to the West. Today, as the Arab peoples are stirring once again, both political and economic considerations place them at the centre of the world attention."
"...the Arabs are heirs to an extraordinarily rich religious, cultural and scientific tradition whose development in many ways affected that of the West. [some examples given]. Despite these cultural affinities, the new and old states of the Arab world harbour considerable feelings of mistrust towards the West, and therefore towards its strongest nation, the United States. Western powers long held undisputed sway over the destinies of the Arab countries; the memory rankles among Arab leaders and citizens alike. Western capital and control long dominated their enterprises; their economies still show the effects."

The final chapter is called 'An uncommitted future'. Some excerpts:

"But, in the opinion of the Arabs, the greatest obstacle to good relations between the West and the Arab world lies in the existence of Israel - a state for whose birth and continued growth the Arabs blame Britain and the U.S.A. The dispute between Israelis and Arabs also constitutes a major danger to world peace."
"To the Arabs, the establishment of Israel in 1948 meant the physical loss of one fertile island in their archipelago. Until that time, the Zionist settlers had acquired by purchase only about 6 per cent of the land which was to constitute their new state. And, as it finally came into being, the new state was more than a third larger than it had been under the partition plan voted in 1947 by the United Nations, thanks to the victories and territory won by Israel in the Arab-Israeli war. And how far Israel will eventually retain control of some of the lands seized in the 1967 war is still not clear, but Arabs are quick to point out that the West did not vote in the U.N. for an immediate withdrawal of Israeli troops. They believe that a similar passivity would not have greeted Arab territorial gains had the fighting gone the other way. The human symbols of Arab resentment are the refugees who as a result of two Arab defeats now number well over a million. They cannot be expected after twenty years to forget an ancestral land which the Jews themselves remembered for twenty centuries."
"The Palestinian Arabs who left their homes in 1947 and 1967 did so fearing a campaign of terror and violence against them. They did not abandon their rights any more than Frenchmen who left their homes in 1940 in the face of Nazi attack. These Arab rights have been annually re-asserted by the U.N. General Assembly: yet Israel has refused repatriation. The Arab's unwillingness to accept a de facto loss of territory and rights explains their continued refusal to talk peace with Israel. Because Arabs refuse to recognize its existance, Israel is to them a physical wall in the midst of their world."
"But the Arabs do not believe that the West has been impartial since the creation of Israel. Some Arabs argue that the financial power of western Jews and their electoral importance explains this partiality; the other Arabs admit that the Jews are better at putting their case. But almost all Arabs persist in the belief that the West deliberately created Israel to be an alien island in the Arab sea - an island which, because it depended on western assistance for survival, would serve as a base for western interests."

"As to the basic Israeli-Arab problem itself, time may perhaps ease the way for solutions that now seem incredible. The new Israelis may feel readier to become part of the Arab world; almost one third of Israel's population consists either of Jews who came from Arab countries or of Arabs who stayed in the country. As the memory of Europe recedes, a new willingness to integrate in the Arab East could become part of the general mood in Israel."
Posted 20:23

More memories from the past
I'm standing right outside the exit, a little apart from my host family and I'm eagerly gazing towards the doors, waiting for my parents to come. I'm 18 and I haven't seen my parents in a year. I can barely contain myself, I am so excited to be seeing them again. I feel like bouncing off the walls, I'm just so happy and thrilled. Then these two people walk in, kind of leaning against each other and much to my surprise they are both crying. There's my father and mother, crying in the middle of the airport for all to see. I look at them questioningly and with worry, because I can't understand what is wrong. Before I get a word out they both rush towards me and hug me tightly, tears still running down their faces. I feel completely overwhelmed. That's the one single time in my entire life that either of my parents has hugged me. Not once has either of them told me that they love me or even that they care for me. But that day, that day at the airport, I knew they did.
Posted 16:08

Today
Today is that day. Even Yahoo has changed its outlook. I feel like I should write something about today, because it's the right thing to do now. So I'll join the millions of others who remember this day.

One year ago I was visiting Ikea with a friend. As we got out and into the car somebody on the radio said that a plane had hit World Trade Center. It was afternoon for us. Like many others at first we couldn't believe our ears and continued to listen on while driving towards home. Soon afterwards we heard that another plane had hit. After I got home I became glued to the television, where all four channels were showing nothing but news of the happenings, panel discussions, interviews with military and aviation personnel, comments by the members of the government etc. The coverage went on for the next couple of days constantly.

It was all very shocking. I thought of the time when I visited the World Trade Center, went to the top and admired the view and thought how unbelievable it was that nobody, ever again, would experience that. I thought of the fear and anguish the trapped people must have felt. I wondered what would I have done. Would I have stopped at the stairs to help some injured person down or would I have been so panicked that I would have thought of nobody else but me. I thought of what it was like in the city that day. All those people packed onto that small island, walking across the bridges, trying to call their loved ones to tell them that they are alright and that they are coming home safe.

It was a horrible day and one like it should never happen again, but did it really change the world? The comments after the destruction were that it had been an attack against the entire western world, against freedom and that the world would never be the same again. However, United States is not the whole world. Bad things, very bad things, happen in the world all the time. Some of them are accidents, some deliberate. According to some news reports more people have died in Afghanistan from the bombs and missiles than were killed at WTC. Does calling it collateral damage make it any more right? Since when is losing even one human life alright? People at WTC were brutally murdered, while civilians elsewhere are merely 'damage'?

There are people everywhere who have lost their loved ones. Why is 3000 people killed at the WTC such a huge deal, but when thousands drown in China we hardly blink an eye? There's so many of them that they can afford to lose some? We all think how horrible their deaths were, poor people drowned, poor families, and then we move on. The media is not filled with documents, news and memorial services in honor of all the other people who died elsewhere. Why is a human life more sacred, more worth remembering, if it was lost because of malicious intent rather than by forces of nature? Because things happen and there's nothing we can do about it? If one thinks so fatalistically then no death should matter either. We're all going to die one day anyhow.

I am not trying to make light of the terrorist attacks one year ago, or say that we should not care, because bad things happen elsewhere too. An unmarried woman in Nigeria faces death by stoning because she had a baby. At the same time Nigeria will be hosting the Miss World beauty contest. There was some talk that Finland should boycott the contest to protest against the death penalty. However the current Finnish representative said she's going to go, because "bad things happen all over". I find that logic seriously flawed. Just because one cannot save the entire world does not mean we can't or shouldn't try to make a difference in where we are able.

So, what I am trying to convey, with all of this rambling, is simply the fact that people need to learn to see further than their own noses. While the attack on some buildings on U.S. soil may have been an earth shattering experience to a lot of Americans, they should also realize that people elsewhere are faced with the same kinds of emotions every single day. There are people currently in Iraq, living in Bagdad, who are very scared. They are scared that at any moment, without much warning, death will come from the sky and shatter their lives. The feeling and impact is no different than what happened at WTC. People should remember that when they are so eager to send bombs to another country. Why is a collapsed building in New York City so much more important than a collapsed building in Bagdad? They should all matter equally.

Life is a life no matter how or why it was lost.
Posted 13:33

Happy Birthday Colin
Thanks to a google search I came to realize that today is in fact Colin Firth's 42nd birthday. I hope the world's most handsome man has had a great day!
Posted 18:25

It's not real
I've felt a lot like being in a movie today. Gazing out of the window at the beautiful sunny view, while feeling immensely sad and melancholy inside and Moby's song Everlasting playing in the background. Looking out to the horizon wondering if there is truly somebody out there in the world feeling as depressed as I am, not knowing why and it's only because we haven't met yet, because a part of us is missing without the other.
Posted 17:27

Christopher Lee
Somebody googled me for '"christopher lee" "winter war"'. It is true that the actor volunteered to fight in our Winter War, poor little Finland against the massive Soviet Union, but if I remember correctly he's also stated that he stayed in Finland only for a short bit and never saw any action. He said it was a young man's foolish notion and once he got here and realized the conditions and just how cold it was, he went back home. Heh.

This past week there was an annual national fund raising for our war veterans, especially those who were crippled in some fashion during the wars. There were soldiers standing here and there holding out a box for people to put money in. There are not many veterans left and they are all very old. Thanks to those men Finland remained independent while the Soviet Union gobbled up many other nations. Words cannot express the gratitude and respect I hold for each of those men.
Posted 01:57

Something to take pride in
I'm proud of myself for the fact how well I have adapted to my new job. During the first few days I really wanted to quit right away, but I persevered and now find myself fairly content with the work. It is certainly no dream job, it pays poorly and I'm really not the type for physical labour - all the more reasons to be proud that I have lasted as long as I have.

Every day that I have to go to work I feel reluctant, I don't want to do it, I've always been very good coming up with excuses to get myself out of unwanted situations, but every day I make myself go anyhow. I do the job, because the job needs to be done and there's nothing more to it.

There's an indescribeable euphoria that hits when the work day is over however, especially on the late night shift, 16-24, which is my favourite. All day long I have sweated and toiled. After midnight when it's already dark and these days getting a bit cold, I still wear my shorts and t-shirt on the way home, because there is such a warmth radiating from within. My hair's all damp and my skin feels slick, but at the same time I really feel like I have done something, I feel alive. I marvel at the beauty of the city in the night lights, the emptiness of the streets and even though my legs ache I feel like dancing. It's a great feeling.

I'm proud and happy that I for once managed to stick to something I started.
Posted 14:50

Strange day
Never a dull moment around here... first some people filming, then later at night I started to hear these loud bangs and whistles coming from outside. Went to the balcony and saw a long and spectacular fireworks show. No idea what that was about, but it was beautiful anyhow. To end the day there is currently three firetrucks surrounding the opposite building and firemen milling about. Oh, there goes an ambulance too. Seems like they're beginning to leave now though. False alarm, I guess. So this is the sort of stuff I miss out on when I have to work...
Posted 00:57

Finnish mentality
This was published in the recent Sunday magazine addition that comes with Helsingin Sanomat. It is such a perfect example of the whole Finnish mentality and I love how we are able to make fun of ourselves. The "article" speaks of how Finns face different aspects of the summer, which is far too short and thus always filled with a sense of urgency, to do everything before it's too late. But often in a Finn's mind it's already too late to try, before they even got started. Maybe the whole thing won't make much sense to anybody else, but I howled with laughter at how true the following statements were - true in the sense that I've heard them before lots of times and even said some of them myself as well.

Summer vacation (young)
Young people need no vacations.

Summer vacation (middle-aged)
People so old don't need any vacations anymore.

Clothing (city)
Don't bother getting summer clothes. It'll soon be autumn.

Clothing (summer cottage)
Check in the shed, there's some old rags.

Food (eating)
What are you waiting for? Cold potatoes won't taste like much.

Liquids (drinking)
It'll be too late when you're being treated in the hospital.

Carpets (May)
Now's the last chance to wash them if you intend to get them dry.

Carpets (June)
It's too late now.

Travelling by train
Me travel in a sweaty train?

Travelling by ship
Why bother?

Travelling by plane
My flights have already been flown.

Going to sauna
Go quick, it'll soon be over.

Coming out of sauna
Hurry out so that others can have a chance before it's over.

Picking berries
Somebody's already picked them all anyhow.

Fishing
That pond has surely been emptied long time ago.

Picking flowers (June)
There's nothing more than weeds left.

Picking flowers (July)
Don't bring any dried up twigs home.

Swimming (June)
Swim now. This could be the only warm week of the summer.

Swimming (July)
Go swim quick. It'll be cold real soon.

Swimming (August)
You're still swimming?

Cultural happenings
You want me to sweat at some folk music festival?

Guests at the summer cottage
Guests? Who has time to take care of them?

Visiting at others' cottages
I'd be crazy to go bothering other people.

Love
Summer fling? They've all been taken already anyhow.

Death
It's smartest to die in the spring so you don't have to experience the sad summer.

A yellow leaf (July)
Leaves are falling. There's a smell of autum in the air.
Posted 16:27

Peeping
There's something strange going on in the yard below my apartment. There's a children's playground and the dirt field attached to it is inhabited by some kind of a film crew. The people being filmed are a man and a woman, both dressed in black, sunglasses, the guy in a long flowing cape or a trenchcoat, all very Matrix-like. They're going through fighting sequences, karate kicks, spins, chops etc over and over. Doesn't seem like a very professional crew though. I wonder if it's just some student project, for a music video or what. They're too far to see the faces properly if I'd recognize anybody.
Posted 12:43

I'm green
You are Kermit!
Though you're technically the star, you're pretty mellow and don't mind letting others share the spotlight. You are also something of a dreamer.
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

Posted 10:42

Children's books that didnt quite make it to publishing

1 You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Only Beautiful Children Get Adopted
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Coming to Get You
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. You've Got Hepatitis-B, Charlie Brown
26. Mr. Fork and Mrs.Electrical Meet For Lunch
27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
28. The Nutritional Benefits of Things In Your Nose
29. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.
30. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Posted 10:37

Some ramblings
Due to a package that never arrived back in May, I had a reimbursed $65 sitting on my credit card waiting to be subtracted from my next purchase. I finally decided to buy Sapphire and Steel - Assignments 1-3 and also the first ones in Sean Bean's Sharpe series. The whole thing arrived in three days, impressive. Problem is that I don't have time to watch them now. After getting home last night after midnight I popped in one of the dvds "just for a while" and ended up staying awake till 3 am.

I woke up at 9 to pouring rain, lightning and thunderstorm. Not good. I'm waiting for when my usual autumn depression will hit - it comes every year. Summer in Finland is way too short and winter's are so horrible and long. I can't stand the thought of the next nine months being all dreary, cold and dark again.

I had an appointment with the physical therapist at 10, but I called to cancel it. We would have been at the gym this time doing a lot of exercises and in my present half-asleep state I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I found out only yesterday that instead of being off from work today I have an extra shift, as well as on Saturday. I'll need my strength for that.

Today's plan consists of checking up on my mother's house, who is away right now and grocery shopping before going to work. Such an exciting life.
Posted 10:27

Poem by Oscar Wilde
Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
Posted 15:11

Turning points
Gingerbug has a nice graphical representation of the turning points in her life. I think I might be in the middle of a major turning point in my life right now. I can't say for sure, because only the future will tell if indeed anything changed.

For a while now I've felt like I don't quite belong anymore in the life that I am living. I've felt a certain detachment from everything around me. I've watched my friends change and I've changed in the opposite direction. As they continue to do things that I am not so interested in, I've felt the beginning of a gap forming between us. I don't quite understand them anymore and they wonder about me. Perhaps it's all designed that way so it'd be easier to let go of them in the end.

For some reason my mind has been very occupied with the past lately. All of a sudden some image or memory, good or bad, from the past comes up. Yesterday as I was driving to the bank I suddenly remembered something horrible from years ago and began to cry. Few weeks ago I received a "wonderful" e-mail from my father where he questioned my life's choices and implied that I am wasting my life away. That probably triggered a lot of this reminiscing, but part of me also thinks that perhaps this is something that I need to do - go over my past before I can start anew. There are no skeletons in my closet or truly traumatic events, overall I've had an easy life, but even the most insignificant moments have lead me to where I am today.

My future plans, should everything fall into place, involve a large change to my current life. I've talked and talked about it all for so long that I don't think anybody truly believes anymore that I am going to go through with it this time. I am trying not to jinx things, remain lowkey until everything is certain, so I won't write any more details for now. However, all of this naturally also adds to the feeling that I am in the middle of a nexus, looking for another path to take. Letting go of my apartment and the safe environment it provided was the first step taken along that new road.
Posted 11:10

Lost in thought
I was so out of it today. Instead of walking to the bus stop like I started out to, I went to my car and began to drive towards work. I was halfway there before I actually realized what I was doing. By that time it was too late to turn back, because then I would have been late. My workplace is downtown and parking is too expensive, especially for eight hours. I ended up hiding my car in some backlot and walking quite a bit. My mind's been very occupied lately.
Posted 00:49

Single, but not by choice
I've been single for so long that sometimes it's hard to imagine that such things as relationships, romance and love do exist. I try to imagine what it'd be like to have somebody else around, somebody else to do things with, somebody else sleeping in the same bed as me, somebody to have sex with on a regular basis... It all seems so impossible. All those people talking of boyfriends and wives must be living in some fantasy world in their own minds. It's like Santa Claus, everybody knows who and what Santa Claus is, but we also all know that he doesn't really exist. Same with relationships. They are merely an imaginary thing created by television and movies.

I'm quite resolved on the fact that I shall never find anybody ever again and will live the rest of my life as single. "Bah, you'll find somebody when you least expect it" is the most common response given by others. It isn't true though. There is no cosmic justice or destiny that would guarantee that all of us will be granted that special someone to share our life with. Some of us do spend our entire lives all alone, all the while watching how the wife-beaters and child-molesters do manage to find spouses and get families. People who try to convince me that I too have somebody out there waiting for me are just too afraid to accept the alternative.

This isn't another 'boohoo I suck and everybody hates me' posts. I think I am a great person. I have many qualities that would be beneficial in a relationship, such as trustworthiness, honesty, loyalty and sympathy. However the truth is that I don't have the looks that would keep men around long enough to find out those great qualities. I've gained quite a lot of weight recently and it makes me uncomfortable, which must show. I am painfully quiet and shy around new people and must come off as a weird oddity to most. Some might even mistake it for rudeness. I am not keen on showing off, putting on some dresses and make-up to impress men, but I believe I should be good enough as I am and the regular me is just most comfortable in normal pants, t-shirt and no make-up.

I realize that relationships are not blissful happiness all the time though. While I long for the touch, love and caring of another person, I know I am also spared quite a lot of anxiety, grief and even anger. I have lived alone so much that it'd take me a good while to adjust to having another person constantly around. I'd drive them nuts and they'd drive me nuts. There is definately a major advantage in being able to do anything I want whenever I want to. I don't really have to take anybody else into account. Being single is great, but I've had my share of it for now and would gladly welcome somebody into my life, if only anybody were willing.
Posted 12:09

Munch, munch
Today's entry was eaten by work.
Posted 14:09

What we watch
There are only four TV channels in Finland. If you have cable and/or satellite you get a few more, but the four channels is what everybody gets. Yle1 and Yle2 are mainly government owned, Mtv3 and Channel4 are commercial.

Following is a list according to Finnpanel what the most watched programs in the week 34/2002 were (among 10+ year olds). In all fairness I should say though that we don't always all look at documentaries and news so much because we absolutely feel compelled to, but because people want to stare at the TV and there's nothing better on. Most of the people over my age don't want to watch shows like Sex and the City, Will&Grace or Stargate SG-1. The 20.30 (8.30pm) news on channel 1 are a must however for many. If you're visiting somewhere and happen to be there at the time, it's not uncommon for the TV to be turned on just to watch those news.

Yle1
1. News and weather (at 20.30 o'clock)
2. Sport news
3. Antiques, antiques (people take old items to an expert who then tells them how much it'd be worth in money)
4. Maailman ympäri "Around the world" (contemporary news documentary)
5. A-studio (contemporary news documentary)
6. Documentary on Osama bin Laden
7. Band of brothers (An American tv show about World War 2)
8. Kotikatsomo (contemporary news documentary)
9. Pokka pitää (I don't know what this is about)
10. 'Walk on by' program on popular music

Yle2
1. Finnish-Swedish sports event
2. News and weather (21.50)
3. Ajankohtainen kakkonen (contemporary news documentary)
4. Kesäillan valssi (program featuring people singing and dancing to tango, walz etc)
5. Thilia Thalia (a Finnish quiz show)
6. Inhimillinen tekijä (contemporary news documentary)
7. Police tv (program where they show unresolved crimes and ask people's help to solve them)
8. Silminnäkijä (contemporary news documentary)
9. Detective Lea Sommer (German tv show)
10. News (18.00)

Mtv3
1. Parhaat vuodet "Best years" (Finnish tv show)
2. News (21.00)
3. Sport news
4. Movie: Talented Mr. Ripley
5. News (19.00)
6. Economic news
7. News (22.00)
8. Soppamies "Soupman" (Finnish cooking show)
9. Daily weather
10. Movie: Atomic train

Channel4
1. Movie: Primal fear
2. Movie: Officer and a gentleman
3. Bad Girls (British tv show)
4. Movie: Heaven can wait
5. Medusa's daughter (American tv miniseries)
6. Movie: Blackjack
7. Tomorrow's weather
8. Spy tv (some American show)
9. Economic news
10. Yllytyshullut "Daredevils" (program where people are dared to do dangerous things)
Posted 13:39

Drunks and news
I was browsing through Project Censored over at SF Bay Guardian and saw this: The result, according to McChesney: "You can roll over a drunk on the streets of Helsinki, Finland, and they'll know more about what's going on in the world than half the Ph.D.s in the United States." I suppose that's flattering in a way, but also a bit disturbing coming from a professor at the University of Illinois. Our drunks are so famous?

Something similar to what the quote actually insinuates has been commented by Gert lately. I'll just add a few words to hers.

Americans are not stupid, no more than people in any other country, but in my experience it takes Americans a lot more and harder work to find out what is going on in the world than it does in a lot of other places. The general news coverage in USA is very bad. What I mean by general news coverage is the news that the normal, general populace sees, hears and reads daily. Much of the TV news is filled with stories of murders, rapes and child abductions in the country, followed by perhaps some speech of the President of USA and then the last two minutes are devoted to international news, in the form of "England has declared war on France. Also today Finland was obliterated by a meteor. Millions died. And now back to our coverage on the dog exhibit that took place in Kentucky today..."

CNN is certainly a good enough news channel, but you'd have to be glued to the screen 24 hours every day to catch the most important global news. Most of the international news are still given from an American point of view. Instead of talking of what happened in Pakistan today, the news talks of what the Americans did in Pakistan today. If an American really wants to find out in-depth thoroughly reported news of the whole world, they will have to resort to the internet and browse at all the various international news sites. How many actually do that?

The normal populace is left in the paranoia that bad things happen all the time in their neighbourhood and that's why they too should carry guns, in the belief that nothing much happens in the world unless the USA once again takes initiative and goes to a foreign country to make things right and in the general belief that USA is the only country that really matters, the only country that has freedoms, priviledges and other nice things to offer for its citizens.

That does not make anybody stupid or inferior to another, but merely uninformed. Watching the news on TV is almost like a national hobby around here. Their coverage of political, economical, international and other news is usually very good, so it's very easy to generally stay abreast of the wordly events, but when faced with a person who has really taken the time and effort to research and study a certain phenomenon I am a total simpleton in comparison.
Posted 13:36

Alcohol
I am getting so tired of the constant drinking around me. Somehow everything has to revolve around large quantities of alcohol. Drinking and clubbing have become the only forms of fun that my friends know of. The more I begin to hate it, the more their love for it increases.

I don't have anything against alcohol per say, but only when it's taken to extremes. I'd love to just sit at a pub, have a couple of drinks and chat. Have some wine with a good dinner. Go on a picnic and break out a few ciders while enjoying the day. But not this, not what drinking usually becomes - drinking as much as possible as fast as possible with the only intention of getting as drunk as possible.

I'd even go to the clubs to dance, but I can't stand the overly drunken people everywhere. They shove, stagger, spill and break things, get rude, violent and obnoxious. There's thick cigarette smoke everywhere so that my eyes sting and my lungs burn. All the friends I went there with act like complete morons and the next day have no memory of the whole night.

I've so been there and done all that already. Guess I am getting old, but I'm really ready to do other things by now. I don't see the fascination in drink-until-pass-out anymore. But still I feel bad now, because here I am sitting at home while I know the others are partying and calling me a loser.
Posted 00:26