Learning to live
I started using the "internet" in 1990, as much as it existed back then, in the form of e-mails, newsgroups and the occasional wanderings into IRC and other chats that were available at the time. My first computer had been a Commodore 64 when I was thirteen years old and since then I've never really been without computers at all. For many many years computers were just a small part of my life however, a momentary distraction now and then. Everything changed in 1994.

I read from a magazine about these new kinds of online communities and how addicting they can be, about how people all over the world were spending hours in them, neglecting their real lives and how they just couldn't stop. I laughed. I couldn't imagine anything in the world, especially to do with computers, to be able to be that addictive. With the sole purpose of proving all of those people idiots I went in deliberate search of those online communities and got involved in one of them. Within a couple of weeks I was hooked. That online community became my life. I logged in for hours every single day, I stayed up nights, I stopped going to university classes, I cancelled real life meetings with friends because I wanted to be online instead and so on. I became one of the idiots. This went on for about the next three years. My university studies failed completely and I quit. I did work in between, but at work I spent much of the day online and it is a miracle I did not get caught. I got involved in online relationships. Time flew by while I really did nothing and wasted my life away.

Slowly I started to become to my senses however. I still kept logging in every single day, but it did not rule my life as before. If I went away for a few days or even a couple of weeks it was alright, but as soon as I got back home I had to check online again. Gradually I learned to let go more and more. I came to realize that one can achieve a balance between real life and the online world. Both can exist.

Then other problems began. I had been involved in the one single community for years, I had poured thousands of hours of work into the community, improving it, doing things for it, lived and breathed it and suddenly I was kicked out. Personality conflicts ensued, false accusations were thrown against me and all of a sudden I had lost my home. The door had been slammed and there was no going back. I quickly chose another community and began to pour my hear into it instead. With my enthusiasm and dedication I began to rise in ranks in there as well and got more and more administrative duties. It became another home for me, one where I also kept logging in daily and spending countless hours on taking care of the place. This year all of that changed as well. Once more the personality issues raised their ugly heads and one fine morning when I logged in I was told I was no longer welcome.

That was the end of it. The first few weeks were the hardest. I had been used to logging in daily, chatting with people and generally having all kinds of responsibilities online to take care of and all of a sudden I had none of that. I chose not to join yet another community however. I knew that with my personality I'd soon end up getting kicked out of there as well. I didn't want to waste any more hours of work into a place that would then take my work, use it for their own good and get rid of me. It was a hard lesson to learn, but in the end I found a life without the communities. My online presence became limited to just this blog. My online time was spent in updating here or reading other people's journals. It was still a life of daily internet dosage, but it was very different from what it had used to be.

Now I've been forced to live a life without daily internet and I find that the less I spend here, the less I miss it. Some days I might have the time to go to a cybercafe and perhaps write an update or read some things, but I choose not to. It just does not seem worth the trouble anymore. I am happy about that. The years between 1994-2002 seem like such a huge waste. I was so young still then. Instead of embracing life and making something of myself I spent it all online and now have nothing to show for it. It's all gone and wasted. If only I could turn back the clock and tell that sarcastic Aurel back in 1994 not to laugh at the idiots and tell her to just walk away. Sometimes I wonder how different my life might be now.

Online things have a strange way of being relevant only to the person who is experiencing them. When I write that a certain internet community was my life, made me waste my real life away and getting kicked out of the community devastated my life it must seem utterly ridiculous to everybody else except myself. It's one of those moments when the outsiders feel like saying "Hello? Are you really listening to yourself? Taking all of that so seriously is the dumbest thing I ever heard". It's like when I read somewhere that somebody got insulted on some chat room, because of what SpaceBob23 said to them. SpaceBob23? Who cares? It's just some chat room. So don't go there anymore if it's filled with morons. But it's never that easy to the person going through the whole thing. I admit to not quite understanding at first what the big deal was about the whole Diaryland Survivor problems that Gingerbug was going through and explaining in her diary. If certain places on the internet are filled with jerks spreading lies about you then just ignore it and don't visit those places, right? If only things were really that easy (oh but they are, says the outsider again). No matter what though, there is no excuse for having anybody's real life details being spread on the net against their will, as has now happened to Gingerbug. That makes me really angry and at the same time even more happier that I have begun to learn to live without this whole thing and instead concentrate on my real life once again.

Coming to England was the first big step in reclaiming my life back. The wisest and bravest decision I have made in years and I am really glad I did it. Here's to hoping I can truly make something out of it and be able to look back as having lived a life instead of having wasted it away.
Posted 15:48

Got it in the mail
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was
named chief of the Communist Party in China.

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in
the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Posted 19:11

One event
Every place is filled with these posters and guidelines on what to do if you see bags that people have left behind, just in case they might have a bomb in them. At work, if customers forget anything, be it a trolley right in the middle of the area where it's making it difficult for everyone to get through or just a small wallet on the table, we are not to touch any of it. I'm not really concerned about bombs. Again the old saying that it's far more likely that I'll get killed by a car is very true. Still, it's been a bit strange having to get used to these sorts of safety precautions.

Few days ago as I was working on the till somebody tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and there was this Japanese looking woman holding up a bag right in front of my eyes and she said "Somebody left this bag under the table there". My first instinct was to yell "You should have left it there, you stupid!", but I suppressed the words and the sudden need to flee and just croaked "Leave it right here". And so she left it right next to me on the counter. One of the managers happened by right then and I told him what happened. He phoned airport security right away and then said with a grin "Oh, and if it blows up, they said not to worry, you're insured".

I still get a chuckle out of that, so I felt the need to share it. Sometimes I find the silliest things just so funny.
Posted 17:34

From Babylon 5 again
Grey Council Member#1: What is it that makes the humans so special?
Grey Council Member#2: They fight. They argue. They are ruled by passions and fears.
Delenn:

Yes, and that is their strength.

They do not seek conformity. They do not surrender. Out of their differences comes symmetry, their unique capacity to fight against impossible odds. Hurt them, they only come back stronger. The passions we deplore have taken them to their place in the stars and will propel them to a great destiny.

Their only weakness is that they do not recognize their own greatness. They forget that they have come to this place through two million years of evolution, struggle and blood.

They are better than they think and nobler than they know. They carry within them the capacity to walk among the stars like giants.

They are the future and we have much to learn from them.

Posted 21:49

Ho hum
Getting online is starting to become such a drag that most days I rather would not bother at all. Still, I end up doing it, because there are always so many e-mails to read and so many e-mails to reply to. Not that I am really popular in the e-mailing department, but these things just keep on piling if I don't do anything about them and then I end up getting even more e-mail from the same people inquiring if I am still alive and would I please e-mail them to let them know that I am alright and so on. So it's one of those responsibilities I must take care of. But take today for example, I worked from 6-14 and now I am sitting in the all too familiar internetcafe by Victoria station again. I'm in the center of London, but instead of walking around, going to musicals and museums, here I am sitting by a computer terminal. And I will be here for a few hours until I'm finally caught up with everything again. My life has become nothing but work, sleep, work, sleep, internet, work, sleep etc etc. I feel like all those grand plans I made about visiting this and that place and seeing this and that thing are never going to happen and when people ask me what exciting things did I do in London all those months all I can say is work. Pathetic.

My father is currently in Finland, which feels weird, because I am here instead. He e-mailed me to say that I had left the bedroom window open. Oops.

Work has had its ups and downs again. Some days I do well and some days everything goes bad. Today ended very well. I'm getting some unusual attention at work. I think there just aren't enough females working there, so the guys are really desperate. Many of them are very nice though, not like the creepy guy I wrote about earlier. Unfortunately I have developed a major crush on one of my co-workers, who is, oh curse my luck, married. *siiiiiiigh*

I don't know if this is something that happens just at my work or whether it is more of an English thing, but there's a lot more griping and complaining going on at my current job than in any other I've had before in Finland. Everybody talks something bad about somebody else behind their back. There's dozens of little cliques. Certain managers bitch about other managers, in front of us "lowly" employees even and employees whine about the managers and other employees. In general everybody seems to think more about themselves rather than the whole working community as well. For example if I am really busy and I ask for help from another employee their usual response is along the lines of "what are you asking me for, do it yourself". That's all a kind of an attitude I am not used to.

Everybody seems a lot more secretive about their real lives here as well. It's quite of an interesting paradox in how Finns are often the quiet and reserved ones, but yet we often have no problems inquiring about personal matters from somebody. In my previous job as a cleaner I was constantly asked questions about my age, my marriage status, my previous employments, my schooling, my parents etc. When my manager there came to work, she'd go on telling everybody what her son had done that morning and what her husband had said and where they had been on vacation last summer etc, but here I don't know anything about my manager except her name. Whatever discussions there are at work here, they have something to do with the work.

One of the things that does really bother me and one that I will never get used to is the fact that nobody here can say my name right. There are as many variations of it as there are people saying it. My real name isn't even that hard. It's quite short and contains only 3 different letters, but yet it's just impossible for people to get it right. Name is such a big part of who you are, your identity, for me at least and therefore I hate being constantly called by names that do not belong to me. It can't be helped though.
Posted 18:27

Aries
Found this site through SPB. It's was interesting to note what this site had to say about Aries:

Countries: Germany, England

Hmm. In some ways I am a very typical Aries, but there are some things where I really don't fit the description.

Partially true:

• Aries people are optimistic, independent, impulsive, playful, competitive, risk-taking, courageous, sometimes combative, and adventurous. The have a tendency to leap before looking and to take risks that shock more cautious types.
  
• Aries people are pioneering and entrepreneurial. They often have trouble with authority and do better as their own bosses.
  
• Aries people are not particularly suited to detail work and prefer to implement big plans or start things. They are good at coming up with creative ideas on the spot but may have trouble sustaining the effort to follow through with their plans
  
• Aries people are forceful and even aggressive when pursuing what they want and willing to charge head first into conflict
  
• Aries people are not subtle. They have terrible tempers that are easily set off, though they are also quick to forgive. They often say and do things rashly that cause problems in their interpersonal relationships, and a lack of tact caused by too much bluntness can also create problems. Aries people tend to be honest and forthright, almost to a fault at times. When bored, they can pick fights simply to entertain themselves and fulfill their need for conflict.
  All of that far too true unfortunately
  
• One paradox of the sign of Aries is a strange combination of selfishness and generosity. Aries people can be self absorbed and self centered at times, but this is also one of the most altruistic signs and Aries people are usually quick to help those in need, even at great personal cost and risk
  
• most retain some childlike qualities throughout their adulthood, both physically and psychologically
  
• Despite the emotional courage of this sign, Aries people are surprisingly sensitive and eager to please. Though they can be pushy and domineering or controlling at times, they are also idealistic, trusting, and in great need of reassurance at other times
  
• Aries people do nothing by half-measures. Anything they choose to do, they do fully and completely. They are stubborn and generally refuse to accept defeat, long after a situation has become untenable. They rarely stay down for long though, as this is a naturally optimistic sign that bounces back quickly from misfortune and strife

Not so true:

• Aries is also associated with engines and mechanical things and most people with the Sun, Moon, or Ascendant in Aries are good with anything that has a motor. Many have an aptitude for fixing engines and other mechanical things or at least diagnosing problems with these sorts of things
  
• Aries people have loads of energy, which they need to burn off continuously through endless activity, including sports and/or socializing. They are competitive and usually have an aptitude for athletics. Most also enjoy watching sports
  
• This is also a very extroverted sign. Aries people like to be around other people most of the time and seek out novel and exciting situations
  
• Aries people think fast, move fast, talk fast (many of them are chatterboxes) and they are not very patient, particularly with slow moving, slow speaking people
  
• They jump into love affairs without really thinking things through and can have problems as a result
  
• Aries people need excitement in their relationships. If things get too boring and domestic, they may wander off in search of more interesting companions

Posted 15:31

Happier
Yesterday was an excellent day. In at least the past five weeks (counting all the days I spent in Finland prior to coming here running around as well), yesterday was the first day that I did not venture outside one single time. I chose to spend the entire day in my pyjamas and just take it easy. My roommate is off to Brussels for a week, so it was the perfect opportunity to just enjoy some much needed peace and quiet.

I wrote quite a lot, about 7000 words. I am now up to 34000 words total. Wow! I found out to that I really enjoy writing. I got completely engrossed in it and just did not want to stop. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I have always wanted to be a writer and now I might just become one after all. All it really took was to have my internet access taken away, quite frankly. If I had internet on that laptop, everyday it would be like "Oh, well, I'll just check on my e-mail first before writing stuff" and then a few hours later I'd be too tired to sit by the computer anymore and I'd forget about writing for that day. It's happened so many times before. I still think that I write crap and the whole thing will need several rewrites later on, but I am just so glad I am really doing this thing.

So yesterday I wrote a lot, played a game called Emperor for a while (which luckily runs on the laptop), watched the MTV Europe music awards on TV and read some more of Hyperion. I called Gingerbug and got invited to spend Christmas there, which was really nice. Then I called my mom and ended up talking with her for almost an hour. There should be more days like that.
Posted 14:56

I'm alive
I hit rock bottom on Tuesday. What an awful day. I refused to write about it even into my own personal diary, because some things I would just prefer to forget.

Throughout it all, through the endless tears and misery, I never once wanted to go back "home" though. The sad truth is that I don't have that much to go back to. I don't mean that in a pitiful way, that somehow it is a bad thing, although of course it would be nicer if things were different, but it's still not something I worry about. Life has taken me here and it seems that my place is here right now. I don't mind that at all. The mysterious impulse which drove me right from the start to choose London still has not left. It still lingers on in the background and I keep waiting on fate to show me why. I realized today that next Tuesday I have been here for four weeks. The first two weeks seemed to go on forever, but now the rest has flown by. It won't be long before I have to start making some serious decisions. My return flight is booked for January 27th, but can be extended until April. My original plan was to quit work beginning of January, fly to Thailand for a couple of weeks and then via London back home to Finland. Right now I have no intention of leaving though.

I know I cannot continue with the current employment and living conditions for many months though. Even if I personally could, there is the question of my chinchillas. My mother cannot go on taking care of them forever, I miss them and what she's been writing me, the poor critters are not happy at all. If I am to stay here longer, I need to look into quarantine rules, a suitable living place and some means how to transport the furballs here. I'll need to fly to Finland, empty out my apartment completely and put it up for proper rent and generally settle all my businesses there. There are just so many things to take into consideration. Do I really want to stay here? No sense in going through all that trouble and then find out in a few months that I want to go back instead. It's too early to tell now, but will I know for sure by January? I don't know.

Work has been a source of enormous stress lately. It's become something like what Gingerbug once wrote about her and tube rides. Instead of feeling proud of the fact that "Yes I made it!", I'm just filled with the dread of "I'll have to do it again soon". I really hope things will improve soon. Some of the co-workers are really nice and there's even a couple of cute ones... I have a strange weakness for men with glasses *smirk*.

In the computer department I seem to be doomed. I have now tried to find an external floppy drive for my laptop so I could write things onto it and then copy them over at the cybercafe. Now it seems that I cannot even find a suitable floppy drive. Even if I am to finish NaNoWriMo I cannot send my "manuscript" to be verified and therefore I won't be mentioned under the winners. I'm not writing just to have my name mentioned on some website, but it still would have been nice though. Tomorrow is the 25000 word mark and so far I have 23000 words down, so I'm doing alright. On Tuesday, in the bouts of my depression, writing my novel actually helped some.

Friday and Saturday off, so there might actually be a few more updates in the next couple of days. Now I absolutely must e-mail my mother who has become convinced that I am lying dead in the gutter just because I have not sent her an e-mail since Sunday. She's become a total internet junkie.
Posted 20:15

My NaNoWriMo
Today is the 10th of November, which also means 1/3rd of the month. This means that by today I should have written at least 1/3rd of the 50000 words needed to complete nanowrimo. It comes to about 17000 words. So far, with today's quota still missing, I am up to 16767 words. I'm hanging in there, but it is getting increasingly difficult to keep up the manical pace.

I set out on this project right from the start with the intention of writing quantity, not quality. Just as the motto for nanowrimo goes. I have stuck to that principle excellently so far. I am writing utter and complete crap. I am not saying that I am a bad writer. Perhaps I can write pretty well or perhaps I can't, but at least when it comes to nanowrimo, I am writing far below my own quality level.

I am writing in English, which feels more comfortable for me for various reasons, but it also means that often times I get stuck on words. I don't have access to a dictionary or a thesaurus, so many times I end up describing things in a very simple manner. I repeat a lot of words. If I get an idea of what I would like to happen or to be said, I just write it down without thinking what would be the best way.

So, while at my best, I might be able to produce something along the lines of "The dark brooding clouds on the sky reflected the man's mood perfectly as he briskly stepped onto the rain-soaked road. Rivers of water ran between the cracks on the street and came rushing against the soles of his boots, wetting them thoroughly and causing a dismayed curse to escape through the man's lips" or something (I never claimed to be a good writer even at my best). When in full nanowrimo mode however, the above comes out something like "There were dark clouds on the sky. An angry man stepped onto the street. It was raining hard. The man's boots got wet and he cursed." Maybe some people would actually prefer the simplistic style in the latter example. I don't, but anything to get through this month.

I have months, years, afterwards to go over everything and write it all better. All that matters now is that I get the general ideas down of what I want to happen and what needs to be said. I don't even have proper names for my two main characters yet. I have absolutely no idea for a working title for the novel. I don't know how it's going to end.

All I really have is a certain thought, a moral dilemma, revolving around the idea of who deserves to live and who has the right to sacrifice another person's life. Not necessarily involving death (although that too), but also the idea of somebody spending their entire life just pleasing others and not caring for themselves. Around those questions I have then begun to build the characters, the ones who will eventually be faced with these issues and who will have to make decisions about them. There are two main characters who are the driving force behind it all and then a number of other people who will each represent their own version of the answer. There's some weird sci-fi elements involved, but in general the book is going to be far less sci-fi&fantasy oriented than I had originally planned. It's basically ordinary people faced with everyday problems, but just set in unusual surroundings.

Today's minimum of 1700 words still awaits...
Posted 18:39

Curses
Once again Blogger is being a pain in the ass. I write a post, publish, but it does not show up. It's found its way onto the archive page though.
Posted 18:58

Better
I have become a teenager again (or just a typical woman?) - fine one day and then suddenly all angsty and teary the next. Up and down, up and down. I'm feeling fine today. I think what helped me a great deal was that my roommate stayed overnight elsewhere, so I had the space all to myself last night and this morning.

Somebody in the cybercafe is talking loudly in Finnish into her mobile phone. Heh.

Today I pampered myself by taking a little trip down the overcrowded Oxford Street. The excursion into Borders bookstore and Virgin megastore among others cost me something like £100 in total, but I really needed all those items. Really! I bought Ursula Le Guin's book The birthday of the world, which is a collection of short stories and then LOTR: The Two Towers visual companion. I bought some much needed underwear and tried to look for new sneakers/trainers, but haven't had luck in finding a nice looking pair yet. My current shoes have worn-out cracks on the bottom, which is not good on a rainy weather. From the Virgin store I bought Babylon 5 first season DVD set and Sapphire&Steel assignments 4-6. Plus a couple of LOTR posters, which I will use to decorate my room a bit. I feel suitably spoiled once again. I need to start taking better care of my money though. I've been using the Visa card as if it's free money.

I managed to get myself an English bank account by the way. I'm waiting to get the automat/visa card in the mail so that I can actually start to use it. I don't know if I'll be paid from work yet though. Due to a stupid mixup they had my name backwards, where my middle name became my surname, my surname became my first name and my first name became my middle name. The workplace is requiring me to supply the names and addresses of three people who could write references about me, one from previous employment and the two others can be non-family friends, old teachers or something along those lines. I don't quite understand that. They have already employed me and I've been working there for a few days now. Why do they still want to write to other people and ask them to write a letter describing my personality to them? What is this English obsession with references?

A lot of people say ta instead of thank you. I need to learn that, so convenient. I also love how Madonna has been nicknamed Madge around here. Reading the newspapers and stuff, it's always about Madge's new movie and Madge's latest single etc. Speaking of newspapers, I found Friday's Helsingin Sanomat in a small newsagent along Oxford Street! £2.50, what a ripoff, but I had to buy it though.

I absolutely love Creme Caramel and here you can get it in any grocery store, stored along with the yoghurts. In the bread department England has been a disappointment though. It's mostly just the boring old toast everywhere, like in USA, but the fabulous lemon curd makes up for the lack in good bread. Every day that I work I can eat up to £5 worth of food for free, which I think is great. I wouldn't have expected to get such a benefit from a work like this. In Finland a lot of companies don't offer any kind of lunch benefits. Some might offer vouchers, but even then you have to pay some of the cost yourself. In one of my jobs the company actually gave out free vouchers to all its employees, something which is very rare, but even then the vouchers are considered part of taxable income, so you always end up paying something for it.

I am hoping to meet some members from the Lord of the Rings fanclub later on at Leicester Square today. Only about a month to go for TTT premier!!!
Posted 18:26

Nanowrimo
I am two days behind. Gack.
Posted 18:45

Happenings
Person at work: Where are you from?
Me: Finland
Person: You don't look Finnish
Me: No?
Person: Finnish people all look a bit like Chinese right?
Me: Umm no
Person: But Finland is close to China isn't it?

Another male co-worker of mine all of a sudden put his fingers around my upper arm and said: You're too fat. Yeah, thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Yet another male co-worker of mine keeps telling me to wait for him to get off too so that he can give me a ride in his car. Yesterday he asked me out so that he could buy me a lot of drinks and get me drunk. Those were his exact words. My reaction to anybody actually saying something like that is just to laugh, because it must be a joke, but he is constantly so serious and frankly is scaring me. I asked him jokingly that why does he want to get me drunk so much and he just looked at me weirdly. There's my racism again I guess, but this guy is from Pakistan and a muslim and I am genuinely scared that if I just accept his offer of a ride, he'll take it as my consent to rape me. No thank you.

I've been struck by depression today. I think it's just my hormones playing tricks on me though. I've never suffered from PMS or anything of the sort, but with my brains already in a turmoil about everything new around me, I must be experiencing everything more strongly than before. I get absolutely excited about something and couldn't be happier, but today I feel like crying about the silliest things. Extreme ups and downs. This morning I set out towards a PC store, carrying my mobile phone and laptop with me. I have a laptop, mobile and an approriate number to call, but I just cannot connect all of them together. I've tried everything that I possibly know how, but the laptop keeps insisting on using the modem port instead of the infrared. In pouring rain I took the damn bus to the store to get some help, but of course the trip was a total waste. I showed them my laptop, my phone and asked for assistance, but I was just told to contact the mobile phone company instead. They'd have the proper cable for me to use, or alternatively I could just use the infrared they said. Ah really, I said, I've tried that, but it does not work. The guy pointed my mobile at the laptop and said just use it like this. Oh really. Just point it and say Zimzalabim and it'll work? Why the hell didn't I get all of this sorted out before I left Finland?

I've been here a couple days over two weeks now. Right now I am feeling miserable and missing so many things, such as my car, tv, stereos, computer, internet connection, videos, dvd player, friends, partying, privacy... I don't really want to go back to Finland yet, but if I possibly could, I would love to be able to just drop by there for a couple of days and enjoy all my previous luxuries. I can't believe it's only been two weeks. Sheesh. Feels like I've been deprived of so many good things for much longer. I'm not putting too much weight into these thoughts however, because I know that at the moment I am feeling depressed and therefore all the miseries just seem to pile on and seem a lot more worse than they really are.

I want a place of my own though. Very badly. My roommate's things clutter up the whole place. I have a little storage space to put my things in, but the rest of it is all filled with her things. There's all her posters, postcards, vases, trinkets, decorations etc littering up every surface, wall and shelf. There is nothing in there that makes the place mine. Apart from a little wall space left for posters, there isn't enough room for my things. I have the landlady to thank for the small space that I have now. Previously the place was packed with her things and the landlady kept telling my roommate to clear things away, because I was coming. Finally when my roommate would not do it, the landlady went into the room herself and just put away a lot of the stuff, took down posters etc. My roommate thinks that the landlady is insane, because she actually cleared off one shelf out of four in the refridgerator for my groceries. My roommate thinks that it was completely unnecessary. Yes, I have one shelf in the fridge for my food, while she has the remaining three.

The problem really isn't that she's greedy, but she just seems to have this Spanish mentality (my perception of it anyhow) that everything should be shared. My roommate's things are all over, but she's always telling me to use them. There's an extra umbrella in her closet, so I can just go there and take it. There's her extra food stored here and there and I'm free to use it. But I'm Finnish. I want boundaries. This shelf is for -my- things and I don't want anybody eating the foods there. I don't want her rummaging through my clothes. When I store things away I want them to stay that way. I'd like for the room to look like I live there as well, instead of being filled with her hideously looking trinkets.

I'm just whiny today. I want my damn laptop connected *&"^£(*&!(£^!!!! Why is everything so hard? Why does it have to rain today as well?
Posted 17:19

Updates
Today's choice after work was to to either stay in and watch episodes of Star Trek:TNG and Stargate SG-1 (*drool* I love the English tv) or come to Hounslow central to check on the internet for a while. Since I am writing here now, obviously internet won. Speaking of writing, I must get back home soon to still do today's quota for nanowrimo...

Yesterday was a very good day. As I was walking home from the station at 9pm, literally the whole sky was filled with fireworks. Bangs, whistles and spectacles all around! Today is supposedly -the- day, the English version of independence day or some sort (*insert one very ignorant Finn here*), but the festivities have been going on since the weekend. Every single night there's been more and more fireworks. So as I was walking in the darkness of the night and seeing all the beautiful colours in the sky I was hit with this enormous "This is the coolest place to be in, I am so glad to here!" feeling.

It all got crushed today however as my till (cash register) ended up missing £10 at the end of the day. The result of which was that I was asked a lot of questions and in the presence of a witness all my belongings were searched, had to take off my shoes etc. Not a pleasant experience at all. And it really bothers me, because I have absolutely no idea where that £10 got off to. Sometimes I wish mind-reading equipment was possible so that they could really see that I certainly did not steal the money.

I received a rather funny e-mail today though, which cheered me up a bit. In Finland there is a kind of a state of pre-marriage. It's basically where two people live together sharing the same household, not necessarily even engaged to each other, but still this form of partnership has some legal ground. For example in cases where you want to apply for financial aid, they look at both person's income instead of just yours etc. Well, I gave my apartment away to a male friend of mine and now he's been contacted by the officials asking about his pre-wife's (for lack of a better English term?) income this year, meaning mine. Hah. Although we might both be facing some troubles now trying to prove that we've never actually lived together and that I am actually in England now, it's all still very funny.

In many ways I feel "bad" about this blog. I never intended for it to become a diary about my daily life, but rather writings about life in general, some politics, few observations about things, thoughts on current wordly news and things like that, but at the moment I just can't concentrate on stuff like that. All the new wonders just about my day keep my mind occupied enough and so when I come here, to some internetcafe, to write a few things in a matter of a few minutes that I only have to spare, only diary-like stuff comes to mind. That was a long sentence. Anyhow, perhaps none of you readers mind what's going on lately and perhaps even want to read more about my daily life, but I'm just saying that it bothers me to do it, because a diary is something that I did not start out to create. Before coming to England I actually thought to set up a separate diary and that I'd even give the address to all my RL friends so they could keep up to date with what's going on, but I don't really know why, but I just don't want to do that after all. I am keeping a diary now, but it's just for myself. *shrug*

And on a final diary-like addition: I'm getting very hungry, so I'll be heading back home now.
Posted 20:19

Googlism
I'll too join the current bandwagon and write what Googlism had to say about Aurel. Apparently I am many different things, but here's some of the most interesting or correct ones:

aurel is coming to the uk to be treated at (Uh oh, they've found me...)
aurel is driven by satisfied customers (Well I do have to deal a lot with customers these days)
aurel is at the end of the afternoon (True, true, it is now 17.20)
aurel is killed during the fighting (Eeeep! Note to self: stay out of fights)
aurel is 45% grenache (What's grenache?)
aurel is really just the best to work with (*beams proudly*)
aurel is coming to the uk to be treated at the wirral limb centre at clatterbridge hospital (There's another Aurel in the UK? Note to self: get rid of the impostor)
aurel is absolutely magical when training fighters with the punchers mitts and the fighters line up with great enthusiasm to work with him (Absolutely magical? Oh yeah! Line up with enthusiasm? I'm so good. Him??? Excuse me? And wasn't I supposed to stay out of fights?)
aurel is right down the street from the banana bungalow (*laugh*)
aurel is an interesting man—an english teacher at the village school (Man? Ok, I am starting to take offense soon)
aurel is proud to be (It's easy to be proud when you're the best)
aurel is thinking and writing about the same things that i am lately (And you are? I want to know, I want to meet similarly minded people!)
aurel is in saudi arabia (Ha ha ha, I really got the CIA fooled this time)
aurel is really tiny and pictures taken using amateur cameras do not come out well (Ok so I am not too tall and not very photogenic, but this is getting a bit too personal)
aurel is from latin (Means golden I believe)
aurel is quiet (*clapclap* One perfectly correct result there)
aurel is coming back with an new title which is called "the sound of love" (Sorry, but I don't think I'll be naming my novel quite that)
aurel is also survived by a brother (I'm an only child unfortunately, unless my parents forgot to tell me something. And what do they mean by 'survived'. What's all this stuff about me dying?)
aurel is a researcher and writer focusing on human (Writer? Cool)
aurel is saltire proper passing a ring of the astronomical character of mars (I have something to do with Mars? Excellent!)
aurel is called in too spice (I am the missing spice girl... Finn Spice)
aurel is daddy for about 30 kids around the europe and usa (The male Aurel's sure do get around, don't they?)
aurel is not my name (Not my real name certainly, but I do like it though)
Posted 19:37

Two days in a row!
It is sort of sad that when I do have time off from work I end up spending a lot of it sitting in a cybercafe, but I probably won't have any chance for the internet from Monday to Wednesday next week, so I better take advantage of this luxury while I can.

First I have to take back some of the nice things I wrote about my roommate previously. When I got home yesterday I found her in the room with a friend of hers who had been smoking inside, smoking in my bedroom! That's just something that I cannot stand. Smoke outside or wherever, but not where I sleep. Then both of them left for dinner and I thought I'd have a nice peaceful evening all to myself, but when she got back shortly afterwards she brought her boyfriend with her. So there I was in my pyjamas, trying to watch a little tv while she and her boyfriend cuddled and kissed next to me. Hrrrmmmm. But again, I try not to stress over the whole thing too much, because there is absolutely nothing that I can do and therefore I just better get used to the situation. In some weird it-builds-character sort of way it's good for a loner like myself to get used to living with another person. Maybe that Mr. Right is waiting just around the corner and this is all a practice for a time when I'll move in with him. Yeah, right.

I met somebody today in London! It's so weird to write anything about it though, because now I know that she'll be reading this. I've met internet acquaintances before, but this was the first time that somebody met the person behind Aurel, the one who keeps this blog. I can only imagine the horror stories she will write about our meeting, he he. All those things about me are not true, I swear! *smirk* I had a good time though. I think I managed to behave fairly well. I have a tendency to be a little weird with new people, but, well... We discussed about this, that just because two people are from the same country doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be instant friends when abroad, but I think this time the ability to speak Finnish helped in making a connection as well. I don't particularly miss speaking Finnish so much yet, I've only been gone for about two weeks now, but there's just a kind of comfort in knowing that the other person knows and understands me better, because they share the same kind of a culture background that I do. Unless she writes in her diary that she thought I was scary, hopefully I'll be seeing her again soon.

Work again tomorrow. Why do the weekends go by so fast?
Posted 19:08

NaNoWriMo
Despite the current changes, needs to adapt and getting used to everything new, I am still trying to stay determined and stick to the NaNoWriMo project that I signed on. So far so good *knock on wood*, but it's only the second day yet. So many days and oh so many words to go...
Posted 18:06

Diary mode: ON
My poor blog is being neglected as I have been occupied by work and still suffer from the lack of good internet access. One of my goals for the weekend is to find a way to convert my mobile phone from Finnish to English and following that to find a way how to use the mobile on the laptop, so I can actually connect from home as well, without having to resort to these akward internet cafes all the time. (Warning: more long rambling sentences will follow). Naturally a mobile phone really isn't the ideal solution for general browsing about the web, but at least I could write longer posts in the peace and comfort of my home and then download them onto the net. I've been completely internetless for the past few days, on Wednesday I only had 30 minutes to spare to write a quick update, I don't have the time to read other people's diaries and blogs, the unanswered e-mails keep piling on as well etc. I need my internet!

I have managed to get my mother addicted to the internet as well. She's been messing around with my computer back home and as she really has no clue what she is doing, but still is eager to try out everything, got the computer into such a chaotic state that she could no longer connect online. Following that she sent me a few frantic text messages, saying she's having problems. Following that she left a few voice messages on my mobile as well, saying that she desperately needs my help and that I have to call her... So I spent £6 ($9) this morning on the phone giving instructions on how to shut down the computer properly and so on.

So, what else has been going on lately? I started work on Tuesday, but first two days were spent doing just introductory stuff, learning things about the company, how they operate, about various healthy and safety hazards, proper lifting methods and blah blah. Did you know that when you use a knife you should be careful? Well, I learned that. What was most interesting for me though was all the things relating to bombs. Everywhere around here, bus stops, street corners etc. one can see these posters giving instructions what to do if you see unattended packages or bags. At work there is an actual list of procedures on the wall what to follow should somebody call and say that there is a bomb at the airport.

The actual work has been alright. It's definately not something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it's very good for now. The job's quite hectic, especially since I don't really know what I am doing and constantly need to ask for help. I work at a large food place that has a lot of counters where people can pick up different kinds of foods and drinks, taking them then all to the cash register and then proceeding to the eating area. They put me working on the cash register (the till I should say rather) the past couple of days, which has suited me fine, because it means that I can sit for most of the day. That means that at the end of the day I am not completely exhausted and on my days off I won't be just treating my poor legs, but actually have the strength to walk. So, I'm quite happy with the position. I'm constantly worried about the money though and making mistakes with it, either giving people too much or too little, something which, if it happens a lot, could get me into a lot of trouble. I must be doing alright though, because yesterday they asked me to stay a couple hours overtime.

The situation with the roommate is fairly good at the moment. One of the benefits of not having friends is that I am more sociable towards the people I do meet. Some days I am actually quite happy to see my roommate and talk with her, because I haven't talked with anybody all day. We've been spending some time together, having a bit of dinner together and just chatting and stuff. It's still a bit of a difficult situation though, because for example sometimes I'd like to stay up to watch tv or read a book, but knowing that she has to get up at 6am for her work, I go to sleep exactly when she does. Yesterday after work she invited me over to one of her friends' homes where I met some people, had some dinner and a couple of drinks and talked a lot with one person. So, things are going quite well right now.

What has surprised me has been the amount of paperwork involved in being and working here. As a member of the European Union I don't need to get a working permit, a resident visa or anything of the sort, but there's still been a lot of things to take care of. Just the seemingly simple procedure of opening a bank account has proved to be quite an impossible task. The banks here require a lot of different documents and statements that must have exact information about this and that. Any deviation from the exact data needed and the whole process is put to a halt. I filled out a number of applications, they took all of the necessary documents from me and said they'd contact me back. This was Thursday. On Friday I called the bank and they said they're still processing it. Now's the weekend so I can't do anything. On Monday I'll go to the bank personally and demand to see some results. I won't get paid from work until I have a bank account!

Another interesting chapter is the National Insurance Agency. Everybody working in England must have a national insurance number, but actually getting one is a job of its own. I called them first, they asked all kinds of questions on the phone and at the end they schedule an appointment for an interview. Usually the waiting line for an interview is around 2-6 months. I guess I was lucky, because mine is at the end of November. Again one needs to bring in all kinds of documentation about this and that to the interview. For example I'll need a letter from my employer stating that I am really employed there. I will need some proof of address, something to prove that I live in the address in England that I claim to live at etc. From what I hear of the interview it is much like the one seen in the movie Green Card, where they practically ask you what flavor toothpaste you prefer. On the phone the person asked me if I had ever been to England before and I said yeah as a tourist. He asked me when. I said umm last time sometime in April 1996. The guy said when I come to the interview I must have -exact- dates of when I arrived and when I left, of every single time that I've been to England previously. Ummmm, ok... Are they going to deport me back to Finland if I can't answer all the questions in a satisfactory manner?

Another interesting English feature is the fascination with titles. Gert once wrote about that, but I didn't quite believe the situation could be that weird until now. No matter where I call or what application I fill out, there's always the question of am I Mrs or Miss or whatever. Subsequently after that all the letters I receive or the people I call (such as at the bank) insist on always putting the title first. Miss Aurel Blah this and that. I don't quite understand why it matters so much.

Well, I guess that's all the rambling I had in me for now.
Posted 16:29