Update at last
My last day at work before Christmas was quite horrible. Bad things happening there. So the four days off came at the right time. Christmas over at Gingerbug and W's new place was very nice. Nothing at all like the usual Christmas traditions that I am used to, but it was a pleasant, peaceful and relaxing experience amongst friends, which was the most important thing.

Now I am using every opportunity to enjoy the last days of a roommate-less home. I haven't washed the dishes in two weeks, there's all kinds of clutter filling every space, the kitchen table stands in the middle of the bedroom rather (so that I can play a computer game and watch tv at the same time naturally) and I go to bed around 3am (waking up today at 6am to go to work was quite painful however). In other words, I am doing all the kinds of things which I cannot do when the roomie is around. Not that I deliberately want to live like a pig normally, but now it's been very relaxing to be able to just do whatever and not having to take anybody else into account.

I got an e-mail from my mother in which she wrote along the lines of "soon it'll be january and you'll be coming home. yippee" (yes she really did write yippee too). My family has always been very sparing with showing their affectionate feelings towards one another, so one has to learn to read between the lines. She'll never tell me that she loves me or even that she misses me, but from that one line I know she does. I have decided to ask for a brief holiday at the end of January. Assuming that I'll be granted one, I'll be flying to Finland on January 27th as my plane ticket indicates and stay for about 1.5 weeks. I still haven't quite decided whether to fly back or to attempt to drive back instead. I really miss my car, but the prospect of taking the over-night ferry to Stockholm, driving through Sweden, Denmark, spending a night in a hotel somewhere, driving through Germany, Holland, Belgium and taking the tunnel from France to England, all by myself, is a bit daunting. Have to think on it more. I must be crazy just to be considering driving on the "wrong" side here in England.

What I sometimes hate about my current internet-less life is that I get so many ideas about what to write about, but once I get around to a computer they've all fled from my mind. So many things happening in the world currently for example. I am getting somewhat freaked out by all the warnings of a supposedly inevitable major terrorist attack just waiting to happen in England. London airports and the underground are the prime targets. I use/visit both almost daily. If things will happen, they'll happen no matter where I go, but it's still quite a new experience to be at the center of things, so to speak, rather than in a relatively peaceful and safe Finland. Not that I am expecting a bomb to go off at any moment here, but just that the chances of something like that happening here are higher than what I am previously used to. All the while events in the world seem to be spiralling worse and worse.

The worst of all is that I still haven't seen The Two Towers! I dare to call myself a fan, do I?
Posted 18:37

Time flies
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. It happens every year. One moment it's November and there's still plenty of time to buy those Christmas cards and send them off and the next moment it's couple of days from Christmas. Needless to say, once again I have neglected to send anybody cards. I meant to send my mother some kind of a present too, but it's too late for that now as well. I am working 8 days in a row (today was the 4th) so that does not leave very much time to do anything else unfortunately. I did manage to fulfill one Christmas project of mine, which was to buy myself a digital camera (Of course I won't forget about the present for myself). It's still in the box. Can't wait to get home to try it out!

December is almost over. Where has all the time gone? To go back to Finland in January or not? For the first time in my life, when I am abroad, I don't think of going to Finland as 'going home'. I want to visit, certainly. I really want to go there for a few days, but I also definately want to come back here. Or so I think right now at least. Maybe I'll change my mind once I do go back to "visit". Oh why oh why does it have to be so hard to make a decision about this?

With my roommate gone for the holidays, I've come to realize just how much she does affect my daily life. I don't usually feel it, not consciously, but it does seem that I am unconsciously always stressed about living with her. I just notice it now, comparing how I was feeling when she was around and how I am feeling now. The weird moody swings are over. The ones that made me feel like crying without any apparent reason to. I feel happy and content once more. I truly enjoy the peace and quiet and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want. It's such an important thing for me. I am actually able to get a full 8 hours of sleep every night now, without any interruptions from her. Such bliss.

In case I don't get to update before Christmas (chances are high that I won't)... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Posted 18:41

Instant Muse Story Starter
This is to all the aspiring writers out there. My first one came to be:

My main character/protagonist is a female. My main character is a homemaker. An archetype present in my story is Dionysus. A key object or symbol in my story is a Jeep. My story will be set in a rooftop conservatory. My story is about illusion.

I still have 2500 words left to finish off NaNoWriMo first though...
Posted 16:44

Finnish
I find myself beginning to miss the Finnish language more and more. I had a couple of Finnish customers the other day. I thought I heard them speaking Finnish to each other while waiting in the queue and when they finally came to me, I asked the first one in English if she was Finnish. She said yes. All I had to do was silently point at my name tag and she immediatelly greeted me in Finnish and then said that I had the same name as her.

Day after day I keep hearing my name distorted in the worst possible ways. Nobody can say it right. Most cannot remember it. My managers don't know how to write it. To all of them my name is just some odd gibberish that means nothing to them and thus is easily forgettable. It was such a warm fuzzy feeling to meet some people to whom my name is a genuine one, an easily recognizable one and one that instantly tells them what country I come from. I was part of them. They were my people. I wasn't an outsider to them. These people would never make the mistake of confusing which one is my first name and which one is my surname. To them it's blatantly obvious which is which.

I really miss that. I miss hearing my name. I miss hearing Finnish around me.
Posted 16:36

Blogging
Been a while since I had the time to check on Dork Tower and today stumbled onto this.
Posted 19:19

Ahhh ha ha ha
Frodo Cattins.
Posted 19:19

Chinchillas
There should be more chinchillas in all the movies.
Posted 19:10

Argh!
I am so pissed off at myself right now. I tried to go home after work and just write my novel (oh how grand that sounds), but the need to rant and rave about my own stupidity won over. Why is it that I am so anti-feminine in so many respects, but when it comes to one female quality, crying, I am completely helpless? I was angry today. Things happened at work which made me angry and I spent the day quietly fuming to myself and thinking of all the things I'd like to say. Then when I finally had the chance to voice my opinions, what did I do? All of a sudden I found myself fighting back tears. Instead of speaking, my voice quivered and I just stammered there stupidly looking all flushed and about to burst into tears. I felt like stomping my feet and screaming to snap myself out of it. The last thing I wanted to do was to cry. I was angry! Grr. I never got to say what I wanted to say, because it was just too hard. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Posted 19:17

Sleep and stuff
Sleep or the lack of it makes a huge impact on my life. Sometimes it feels like everything depends on whether or not I have slept enough. When I don't get enough sleep I get seriously irritated, short-tempered and usually end up getting sick as well. All it takes is a few hours of sleep less one night and I become another person the next day. I might not be sleepy at all, but at the same time I no longer have patience for anything and everything irritates me. A couple more nights of not enough sleep and I am guaranteed to catch a cold.

That's pretty much what my life has been like the past couple of weeks. Very early morning shifts, not enough sleep, naps here and there and eating vitamins to get over a stuffy nose. By some miracle I have managed not to shout at the customers, but the you're-too-fat-guy got a hissed "shut the fuck up" when I finally got totally fed up with him and his continual pestering of me. He keeps punching me and I keep telling him that he actually hurts me. Today his remark was that I have so much fat that when he punches me I cannot possibly feel a thing. Yep, he's so nice... I can stand up for myself and I feel like screaming all kinds of obscenities at him, but I really can't in front of all the customers. If it continues much longer I'm going to talk with the managers though. Wonder if they'll do anything about it.

The whole roommate situation is beginning to irk me more and more as well, especially when it comes to sleeping again. If I have an early morning shift then I try to go to sleep early, but it really does not help when my roommate barges in just when I have fallen asleep, proceeds to turn on the lights and for the next hour she does this and that keeping me awake. One of the nights she even turned on the television. I raised my head from the pillow and gave her a deadly look. "Oh, does this bother you?" she asked. I just nodded grimly and buried myself under the cover again. She took the hint luckily. It's really hard to get a real good solid eight hours of sleep. Instead it's these fragments of sleep in between waking up to whatever my roommate is doing, either in the evening or in the morning.

I need my sleep. I know it's not going to make me beautiful any more, but at least it would keep me sane and healthy.
Posted 17:49

Happy 85th Birthday to Finland!!!
I am a day early, the independence day is on December 6th actually, but since I will not be updating then I'm doing it now, as is obvious.

Finland became an independent country on December 6th 1917. Before that time it had been part of Russia.

Independence day in Finland has always been a very calm and quiet celebration. There is absolutely no fireworks whatsoever. The only thing people are expected to do is to place a candle by the window when it gets dark. I must admit to not knowing how or why this particular custom came into being. Some people visit the graves of those who died in wars. The evening news is sure to show the President and Prime Minister at some monument laying down a wreath of flowers. The war veterans are remembered in some fashion - they are continually credited with keeping Finland independent during the wars in 1939 to 1944. The university students, in Helsinki at least, have a torch parade which begins from the Hietaniemi graveyard, goes by the president's palace and ends at the Senate square where the national anthem is sung. I took part in that one year and it was quite an experience.

In the evening about half of the Finnish population becomes glued to the television to watch the most popular program of the entire year, the yearly independence day reception that is held at the presidential palace. The whole thing is televised, starting from when all the guests, politicians, veterans, celebrities, diplomats etc march inside in a slow line and shake hands with the presidential couple. There is constant commentary on who is wearing what this year and who is bringing whom as their date. This commentary goes on for the next couple of weeks in the magazines. Then the cameras follow around the party, witnessing the presidential couple starting the first dance and others joining in, reviewing what sort of food is being served this year and interviewing the several guests inside the building. The whole thing follows the same pattern every single year. The people at the palace may change, but the traditions remain the same.

I am a very patriotic person. I like many other countries and I am seriously considering staying in England for a year or two, because I like it here so much, but Finland will always be the most important country in the world to me. I'll probably spend much of tomorrow humming the national anthem to myself.
Posted 15:13

Latest Bond
Went to see the Die Another Day and the comment that comes to mind most strongly is 'groan'. I know that Bonds are filled with silly gadgets and stupid punchlines, but in this one it just seemed like everything had been done way over the top. Such as the surfing amongst the icebergs scene, where the computer had done a horrible job at it too. It was so ridiculous and so fake. The new face-related technology (trying to avoid spoilers here) raised some quite interesting thoughts in my head though, especially considering the news lately...
Posted 14:18

NaNoWriMo
I didn't finish in time. Blah. My problem is that I got too much done too soon. On the 15th I had 34000 words done and was well in advance of the schedule, so I thought to give myself a couple of days of vacation from writing... Very bad idea. It killed off the momentum completely and I had serious problems getting back into the mood after that. I did manage to scrounge up 40000 words in total, but that's not quite enough. I will try to get the remaining 10000 (and however many more I might need to actually finish off the story) before putting it to a rest for a couple of months. After that I'll dig it up and begin the painful process of rewriting, rewriting and rewriting some more. My plan and dream certainly is to see it as a published book one day. Me a real writer? Now that would be something.
Posted 18:17

Escapology
Not much of a Robbie Williams fan, but I am considering buying the latest CD Escapology just for the great lyrics it seems to have:

I just wanna feel real love,
feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
running through my veins, still going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
in a life ever after
Theres a hole In my soul,
you can see it in my face, its a real big place.

Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
not sure I understand,
this role I've been given
- Feel

If you can't wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way
- Something beautiful

Violet in the rainbow just melt away
There's not enough minutes in the hour
Or hours in the day
The song played in a circle that never skips a beat
The stranger in a country that I have yet to meet

And it's hope that springs eternal for everyone
Got a lifetime in a second oh the damage done

Trying to love somebody
Just wanna love somebody right now
Guess there's just no pleasing me
I want to love somebody
Just want to love somebody right now
Baby lay your love on me
- Love somebody
Posted 18:04

Advent Calendars
When I was a child I had the best ever advent calendar. My mother made 24 little sacks out of cloth and every year she would go out and buy 24 little things that she put inside these sacks - candy, tiny toys, a coin and various other kinds of little trinkets. Then every day I would get to open one of them. Nobody else had a cool "calendar" like I did. It is now time for me to pass on this great tip to all the parents in the world so that their children might enjoy the fruits of this splendid idea as well. Of course it is a bit late for this year though.
Posted 17:59

Learning to live
I started using the "internet" in 1990, as much as it existed back then, in the form of e-mails, newsgroups and the occasional wanderings into IRC and other chats that were available at the time. My first computer had been a Commodore 64 when I was thirteen years old and since then I've never really been without computers at all. For many many years computers were just a small part of my life however, a momentary distraction now and then. Everything changed in 1994.

I read from a magazine about these new kinds of online communities and how addicting they can be, about how people all over the world were spending hours in them, neglecting their real lives and how they just couldn't stop. I laughed. I couldn't imagine anything in the world, especially to do with computers, to be able to be that addictive. With the sole purpose of proving all of those people idiots I went in deliberate search of those online communities and got involved in one of them. Within a couple of weeks I was hooked. That online community became my life. I logged in for hours every single day, I stayed up nights, I stopped going to university classes, I cancelled real life meetings with friends because I wanted to be online instead and so on. I became one of the idiots. This went on for about the next three years. My university studies failed completely and I quit. I did work in between, but at work I spent much of the day online and it is a miracle I did not get caught. I got involved in online relationships. Time flew by while I really did nothing and wasted my life away.

Slowly I started to become to my senses however. I still kept logging in every single day, but it did not rule my life as before. If I went away for a few days or even a couple of weeks it was alright, but as soon as I got back home I had to check online again. Gradually I learned to let go more and more. I came to realize that one can achieve a balance between real life and the online world. Both can exist.

Then other problems began. I had been involved in the one single community for years, I had poured thousands of hours of work into the community, improving it, doing things for it, lived and breathed it and suddenly I was kicked out. Personality conflicts ensued, false accusations were thrown against me and all of a sudden I had lost my home. The door had been slammed and there was no going back. I quickly chose another community and began to pour my hear into it instead. With my enthusiasm and dedication I began to rise in ranks in there as well and got more and more administrative duties. It became another home for me, one where I also kept logging in daily and spending countless hours on taking care of the place. This year all of that changed as well. Once more the personality issues raised their ugly heads and one fine morning when I logged in I was told I was no longer welcome.

That was the end of it. The first few weeks were the hardest. I had been used to logging in daily, chatting with people and generally having all kinds of responsibilities online to take care of and all of a sudden I had none of that. I chose not to join yet another community however. I knew that with my personality I'd soon end up getting kicked out of there as well. I didn't want to waste any more hours of work into a place that would then take my work, use it for their own good and get rid of me. It was a hard lesson to learn, but in the end I found a life without the communities. My online presence became limited to just this blog. My online time was spent in updating here or reading other people's journals. It was still a life of daily internet dosage, but it was very different from what it had used to be.

Now I've been forced to live a life without daily internet and I find that the less I spend here, the less I miss it. Some days I might have the time to go to a cybercafe and perhaps write an update or read some things, but I choose not to. It just does not seem worth the trouble anymore. I am happy about that. The years between 1994-2002 seem like such a huge waste. I was so young still then. Instead of embracing life and making something of myself I spent it all online and now have nothing to show for it. It's all gone and wasted. If only I could turn back the clock and tell that sarcastic Aurel back in 1994 not to laugh at the idiots and tell her to just walk away. Sometimes I wonder how different my life might be now.

Online things have a strange way of being relevant only to the person who is experiencing them. When I write that a certain internet community was my life, made me waste my real life away and getting kicked out of the community devastated my life it must seem utterly ridiculous to everybody else except myself. It's one of those moments when the outsiders feel like saying "Hello? Are you really listening to yourself? Taking all of that so seriously is the dumbest thing I ever heard". It's like when I read somewhere that somebody got insulted on some chat room, because of what SpaceBob23 said to them. SpaceBob23? Who cares? It's just some chat room. So don't go there anymore if it's filled with morons. But it's never that easy to the person going through the whole thing. I admit to not quite understanding at first what the big deal was about the whole Diaryland Survivor problems that Gingerbug was going through and explaining in her diary. If certain places on the internet are filled with jerks spreading lies about you then just ignore it and don't visit those places, right? If only things were really that easy (oh but they are, says the outsider again). No matter what though, there is no excuse for having anybody's real life details being spread on the net against their will, as has now happened to Gingerbug. That makes me really angry and at the same time even more happier that I have begun to learn to live without this whole thing and instead concentrate on my real life once again.

Coming to England was the first big step in reclaiming my life back. The wisest and bravest decision I have made in years and I am really glad I did it. Here's to hoping I can truly make something out of it and be able to look back as having lived a life instead of having wasted it away.
Posted 15:48

Got it in the mail
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was
named chief of the Communist Party in China.

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in
the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Posted 19:11

One event
Every place is filled with these posters and guidelines on what to do if you see bags that people have left behind, just in case they might have a bomb in them. At work, if customers forget anything, be it a trolley right in the middle of the area where it's making it difficult for everyone to get through or just a small wallet on the table, we are not to touch any of it. I'm not really concerned about bombs. Again the old saying that it's far more likely that I'll get killed by a car is very true. Still, it's been a bit strange having to get used to these sorts of safety precautions.

Few days ago as I was working on the till somebody tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and there was this Japanese looking woman holding up a bag right in front of my eyes and she said "Somebody left this bag under the table there". My first instinct was to yell "You should have left it there, you stupid!", but I suppressed the words and the sudden need to flee and just croaked "Leave it right here". And so she left it right next to me on the counter. One of the managers happened by right then and I told him what happened. He phoned airport security right away and then said with a grin "Oh, and if it blows up, they said not to worry, you're insured".

I still get a chuckle out of that, so I felt the need to share it. Sometimes I find the silliest things just so funny.
Posted 17:34

From Babylon 5 again
Grey Council Member#1: What is it that makes the humans so special?
Grey Council Member#2: They fight. They argue. They are ruled by passions and fears.
Delenn:

Yes, and that is their strength.

They do not seek conformity. They do not surrender. Out of their differences comes symmetry, their unique capacity to fight against impossible odds. Hurt them, they only come back stronger. The passions we deplore have taken them to their place in the stars and will propel them to a great destiny.

Their only weakness is that they do not recognize their own greatness. They forget that they have come to this place through two million years of evolution, struggle and blood.

They are better than they think and nobler than they know. They carry within them the capacity to walk among the stars like giants.

They are the future and we have much to learn from them.

Posted 21:49

Ho hum
Getting online is starting to become such a drag that most days I rather would not bother at all. Still, I end up doing it, because there are always so many e-mails to read and so many e-mails to reply to. Not that I am really popular in the e-mailing department, but these things just keep on piling if I don't do anything about them and then I end up getting even more e-mail from the same people inquiring if I am still alive and would I please e-mail them to let them know that I am alright and so on. So it's one of those responsibilities I must take care of. But take today for example, I worked from 6-14 and now I am sitting in the all too familiar internetcafe by Victoria station again. I'm in the center of London, but instead of walking around, going to musicals and museums, here I am sitting by a computer terminal. And I will be here for a few hours until I'm finally caught up with everything again. My life has become nothing but work, sleep, work, sleep, internet, work, sleep etc etc. I feel like all those grand plans I made about visiting this and that place and seeing this and that thing are never going to happen and when people ask me what exciting things did I do in London all those months all I can say is work. Pathetic.

My father is currently in Finland, which feels weird, because I am here instead. He e-mailed me to say that I had left the bedroom window open. Oops.

Work has had its ups and downs again. Some days I do well and some days everything goes bad. Today ended very well. I'm getting some unusual attention at work. I think there just aren't enough females working there, so the guys are really desperate. Many of them are very nice though, not like the creepy guy I wrote about earlier. Unfortunately I have developed a major crush on one of my co-workers, who is, oh curse my luck, married. *siiiiiiigh*

I don't know if this is something that happens just at my work or whether it is more of an English thing, but there's a lot more griping and complaining going on at my current job than in any other I've had before in Finland. Everybody talks something bad about somebody else behind their back. There's dozens of little cliques. Certain managers bitch about other managers, in front of us "lowly" employees even and employees whine about the managers and other employees. In general everybody seems to think more about themselves rather than the whole working community as well. For example if I am really busy and I ask for help from another employee their usual response is along the lines of "what are you asking me for, do it yourself". That's all a kind of an attitude I am not used to.

Everybody seems a lot more secretive about their real lives here as well. It's quite of an interesting paradox in how Finns are often the quiet and reserved ones, but yet we often have no problems inquiring about personal matters from somebody. In my previous job as a cleaner I was constantly asked questions about my age, my marriage status, my previous employments, my schooling, my parents etc. When my manager there came to work, she'd go on telling everybody what her son had done that morning and what her husband had said and where they had been on vacation last summer etc, but here I don't know anything about my manager except her name. Whatever discussions there are at work here, they have something to do with the work.

One of the things that does really bother me and one that I will never get used to is the fact that nobody here can say my name right. There are as many variations of it as there are people saying it. My real name isn't even that hard. It's quite short and contains only 3 different letters, but yet it's just impossible for people to get it right. Name is such a big part of who you are, your identity, for me at least and therefore I hate being constantly called by names that do not belong to me. It can't be helped though.
Posted 18:27

Aries
Found this site through SPB. It's was interesting to note what this site had to say about Aries:

Countries: Germany, England

Hmm. In some ways I am a very typical Aries, but there are some things where I really don't fit the description.

Partially true:

• Aries people are optimistic, independent, impulsive, playful, competitive, risk-taking, courageous, sometimes combative, and adventurous. The have a tendency to leap before looking and to take risks that shock more cautious types.
  
• Aries people are pioneering and entrepreneurial. They often have trouble with authority and do better as their own bosses.
  
• Aries people are not particularly suited to detail work and prefer to implement big plans or start things. They are good at coming up with creative ideas on the spot but may have trouble sustaining the effort to follow through with their plans
  
• Aries people are forceful and even aggressive when pursuing what they want and willing to charge head first into conflict
  
• Aries people are not subtle. They have terrible tempers that are easily set off, though they are also quick to forgive. They often say and do things rashly that cause problems in their interpersonal relationships, and a lack of tact caused by too much bluntness can also create problems. Aries people tend to be honest and forthright, almost to a fault at times. When bored, they can pick fights simply to entertain themselves and fulfill their need for conflict.
  All of that far too true unfortunately
  
• One paradox of the sign of Aries is a strange combination of selfishness and generosity. Aries people can be self absorbed and self centered at times, but this is also one of the most altruistic signs and Aries people are usually quick to help those in need, even at great personal cost and risk
  
• most retain some childlike qualities throughout their adulthood, both physically and psychologically
  
• Despite the emotional courage of this sign, Aries people are surprisingly sensitive and eager to please. Though they can be pushy and domineering or controlling at times, they are also idealistic, trusting, and in great need of reassurance at other times
  
• Aries people do nothing by half-measures. Anything they choose to do, they do fully and completely. They are stubborn and generally refuse to accept defeat, long after a situation has become untenable. They rarely stay down for long though, as this is a naturally optimistic sign that bounces back quickly from misfortune and strife

Not so true:

• Aries is also associated with engines and mechanical things and most people with the Sun, Moon, or Ascendant in Aries are good with anything that has a motor. Many have an aptitude for fixing engines and other mechanical things or at least diagnosing problems with these sorts of things
  
• Aries people have loads of energy, which they need to burn off continuously through endless activity, including sports and/or socializing. They are competitive and usually have an aptitude for athletics. Most also enjoy watching sports
  
• This is also a very extroverted sign. Aries people like to be around other people most of the time and seek out novel and exciting situations
  
• Aries people think fast, move fast, talk fast (many of them are chatterboxes) and they are not very patient, particularly with slow moving, slow speaking people
  
• They jump into love affairs without really thinking things through and can have problems as a result
  
• Aries people need excitement in their relationships. If things get too boring and domestic, they may wander off in search of more interesting companions

Posted 15:31

Happier
Yesterday was an excellent day. In at least the past five weeks (counting all the days I spent in Finland prior to coming here running around as well), yesterday was the first day that I did not venture outside one single time. I chose to spend the entire day in my pyjamas and just take it easy. My roommate is off to Brussels for a week, so it was the perfect opportunity to just enjoy some much needed peace and quiet.

I wrote quite a lot, about 7000 words. I am now up to 34000 words total. Wow! I found out to that I really enjoy writing. I got completely engrossed in it and just did not want to stop. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I have always wanted to be a writer and now I might just become one after all. All it really took was to have my internet access taken away, quite frankly. If I had internet on that laptop, everyday it would be like "Oh, well, I'll just check on my e-mail first before writing stuff" and then a few hours later I'd be too tired to sit by the computer anymore and I'd forget about writing for that day. It's happened so many times before. I still think that I write crap and the whole thing will need several rewrites later on, but I am just so glad I am really doing this thing.

So yesterday I wrote a lot, played a game called Emperor for a while (which luckily runs on the laptop), watched the MTV Europe music awards on TV and read some more of Hyperion. I called Gingerbug and got invited to spend Christmas there, which was really nice. Then I called my mom and ended up talking with her for almost an hour. There should be more days like that.
Posted 14:56

I'm alive
I hit rock bottom on Tuesday. What an awful day. I refused to write about it even into my own personal diary, because some things I would just prefer to forget.

Throughout it all, through the endless tears and misery, I never once wanted to go back "home" though. The sad truth is that I don't have that much to go back to. I don't mean that in a pitiful way, that somehow it is a bad thing, although of course it would be nicer if things were different, but it's still not something I worry about. Life has taken me here and it seems that my place is here right now. I don't mind that at all. The mysterious impulse which drove me right from the start to choose London still has not left. It still lingers on in the background and I keep waiting on fate to show me why. I realized today that next Tuesday I have been here for four weeks. The first two weeks seemed to go on forever, but now the rest has flown by. It won't be long before I have to start making some serious decisions. My return flight is booked for January 27th, but can be extended until April. My original plan was to quit work beginning of January, fly to Thailand for a couple of weeks and then via London back home to Finland. Right now I have no intention of leaving though.

I know I cannot continue with the current employment and living conditions for many months though. Even if I personally could, there is the question of my chinchillas. My mother cannot go on taking care of them forever, I miss them and what she's been writing me, the poor critters are not happy at all. If I am to stay here longer, I need to look into quarantine rules, a suitable living place and some means how to transport the furballs here. I'll need to fly to Finland, empty out my apartment completely and put it up for proper rent and generally settle all my businesses there. There are just so many things to take into consideration. Do I really want to stay here? No sense in going through all that trouble and then find out in a few months that I want to go back instead. It's too early to tell now, but will I know for sure by January? I don't know.

Work has been a source of enormous stress lately. It's become something like what Gingerbug once wrote about her and tube rides. Instead of feeling proud of the fact that "Yes I made it!", I'm just filled with the dread of "I'll have to do it again soon". I really hope things will improve soon. Some of the co-workers are really nice and there's even a couple of cute ones... I have a strange weakness for men with glasses *smirk*.

In the computer department I seem to be doomed. I have now tried to find an external floppy drive for my laptop so I could write things onto it and then copy them over at the cybercafe. Now it seems that I cannot even find a suitable floppy drive. Even if I am to finish NaNoWriMo I cannot send my "manuscript" to be verified and therefore I won't be mentioned under the winners. I'm not writing just to have my name mentioned on some website, but it still would have been nice though. Tomorrow is the 25000 word mark and so far I have 23000 words down, so I'm doing alright. On Tuesday, in the bouts of my depression, writing my novel actually helped some.

Friday and Saturday off, so there might actually be a few more updates in the next couple of days. Now I absolutely must e-mail my mother who has become convinced that I am lying dead in the gutter just because I have not sent her an e-mail since Sunday. She's become a total internet junkie.
Posted 20:15

My NaNoWriMo
Today is the 10th of November, which also means 1/3rd of the month. This means that by today I should have written at least 1/3rd of the 50000 words needed to complete nanowrimo. It comes to about 17000 words. So far, with today's quota still missing, I am up to 16767 words. I'm hanging in there, but it is getting increasingly difficult to keep up the manical pace.

I set out on this project right from the start with the intention of writing quantity, not quality. Just as the motto for nanowrimo goes. I have stuck to that principle excellently so far. I am writing utter and complete crap. I am not saying that I am a bad writer. Perhaps I can write pretty well or perhaps I can't, but at least when it comes to nanowrimo, I am writing far below my own quality level.

I am writing in English, which feels more comfortable for me for various reasons, but it also means that often times I get stuck on words. I don't have access to a dictionary or a thesaurus, so many times I end up describing things in a very simple manner. I repeat a lot of words. If I get an idea of what I would like to happen or to be said, I just write it down without thinking what would be the best way.

So, while at my best, I might be able to produce something along the lines of "The dark brooding clouds on the sky reflected the man's mood perfectly as he briskly stepped onto the rain-soaked road. Rivers of water ran between the cracks on the street and came rushing against the soles of his boots, wetting them thoroughly and causing a dismayed curse to escape through the man's lips" or something (I never claimed to be a good writer even at my best). When in full nanowrimo mode however, the above comes out something like "There were dark clouds on the sky. An angry man stepped onto the street. It was raining hard. The man's boots got wet and he cursed." Maybe some people would actually prefer the simplistic style in the latter example. I don't, but anything to get through this month.

I have months, years, afterwards to go over everything and write it all better. All that matters now is that I get the general ideas down of what I want to happen and what needs to be said. I don't even have proper names for my two main characters yet. I have absolutely no idea for a working title for the novel. I don't know how it's going to end.

All I really have is a certain thought, a moral dilemma, revolving around the idea of who deserves to live and who has the right to sacrifice another person's life. Not necessarily involving death (although that too), but also the idea of somebody spending their entire life just pleasing others and not caring for themselves. Around those questions I have then begun to build the characters, the ones who will eventually be faced with these issues and who will have to make decisions about them. There are two main characters who are the driving force behind it all and then a number of other people who will each represent their own version of the answer. There's some weird sci-fi elements involved, but in general the book is going to be far less sci-fi&fantasy oriented than I had originally planned. It's basically ordinary people faced with everyday problems, but just set in unusual surroundings.

Today's minimum of 1700 words still awaits...
Posted 18:39

Curses
Once again Blogger is being a pain in the ass. I write a post, publish, but it does not show up. It's found its way onto the archive page though.
Posted 18:58

Better
I have become a teenager again (or just a typical woman?) - fine one day and then suddenly all angsty and teary the next. Up and down, up and down. I'm feeling fine today. I think what helped me a great deal was that my roommate stayed overnight elsewhere, so I had the space all to myself last night and this morning.

Somebody in the cybercafe is talking loudly in Finnish into her mobile phone. Heh.

Today I pampered myself by taking a little trip down the overcrowded Oxford Street. The excursion into Borders bookstore and Virgin megastore among others cost me something like £100 in total, but I really needed all those items. Really! I bought Ursula Le Guin's book The birthday of the world, which is a collection of short stories and then LOTR: The Two Towers visual companion. I bought some much needed underwear and tried to look for new sneakers/trainers, but haven't had luck in finding a nice looking pair yet. My current shoes have worn-out cracks on the bottom, which is not good on a rainy weather. From the Virgin store I bought Babylon 5 first season DVD set and Sapphire&Steel assignments 4-6. Plus a couple of LOTR posters, which I will use to decorate my room a bit. I feel suitably spoiled once again. I need to start taking better care of my money though. I've been using the Visa card as if it's free money.

I managed to get myself an English bank account by the way. I'm waiting to get the automat/visa card in the mail so that I can actually start to use it. I don't know if I'll be paid from work yet though. Due to a stupid mixup they had my name backwards, where my middle name became my surname, my surname became my first name and my first name became my middle name. The workplace is requiring me to supply the names and addresses of three people who could write references about me, one from previous employment and the two others can be non-family friends, old teachers or something along those lines. I don't quite understand that. They have already employed me and I've been working there for a few days now. Why do they still want to write to other people and ask them to write a letter describing my personality to them? What is this English obsession with references?

A lot of people say ta instead of thank you. I need to learn that, so convenient. I also love how Madonna has been nicknamed Madge around here. Reading the newspapers and stuff, it's always about Madge's new movie and Madge's latest single etc. Speaking of newspapers, I found Friday's Helsingin Sanomat in a small newsagent along Oxford Street! £2.50, what a ripoff, but I had to buy it though.

I absolutely love Creme Caramel and here you can get it in any grocery store, stored along with the yoghurts. In the bread department England has been a disappointment though. It's mostly just the boring old toast everywhere, like in USA, but the fabulous lemon curd makes up for the lack in good bread. Every day that I work I can eat up to £5 worth of food for free, which I think is great. I wouldn't have expected to get such a benefit from a work like this. In Finland a lot of companies don't offer any kind of lunch benefits. Some might offer vouchers, but even then you have to pay some of the cost yourself. In one of my jobs the company actually gave out free vouchers to all its employees, something which is very rare, but even then the vouchers are considered part of taxable income, so you always end up paying something for it.

I am hoping to meet some members from the Lord of the Rings fanclub later on at Leicester Square today. Only about a month to go for TTT premier!!!
Posted 18:26

Nanowrimo
I am two days behind. Gack.
Posted 18:45

Happenings
Person at work: Where are you from?
Me: Finland
Person: You don't look Finnish
Me: No?
Person: Finnish people all look a bit like Chinese right?
Me: Umm no
Person: But Finland is close to China isn't it?

Another male co-worker of mine all of a sudden put his fingers around my upper arm and said: You're too fat. Yeah, thanks. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Yet another male co-worker of mine keeps telling me to wait for him to get off too so that he can give me a ride in his car. Yesterday he asked me out so that he could buy me a lot of drinks and get me drunk. Those were his exact words. My reaction to anybody actually saying something like that is just to laugh, because it must be a joke, but he is constantly so serious and frankly is scaring me. I asked him jokingly that why does he want to get me drunk so much and he just looked at me weirdly. There's my racism again I guess, but this guy is from Pakistan and a muslim and I am genuinely scared that if I just accept his offer of a ride, he'll take it as my consent to rape me. No thank you.

I've been struck by depression today. I think it's just my hormones playing tricks on me though. I've never suffered from PMS or anything of the sort, but with my brains already in a turmoil about everything new around me, I must be experiencing everything more strongly than before. I get absolutely excited about something and couldn't be happier, but today I feel like crying about the silliest things. Extreme ups and downs. This morning I set out towards a PC store, carrying my mobile phone and laptop with me. I have a laptop, mobile and an approriate number to call, but I just cannot connect all of them together. I've tried everything that I possibly know how, but the laptop keeps insisting on using the modem port instead of the infrared. In pouring rain I took the damn bus to the store to get some help, but of course the trip was a total waste. I showed them my laptop, my phone and asked for assistance, but I was just told to contact the mobile phone company instead. They'd have the proper cable for me to use, or alternatively I could just use the infrared they said. Ah really, I said, I've tried that, but it does not work. The guy pointed my mobile at the laptop and said just use it like this. Oh really. Just point it and say Zimzalabim and it'll work? Why the hell didn't I get all of this sorted out before I left Finland?

I've been here a couple days over two weeks now. Right now I am feeling miserable and missing so many things, such as my car, tv, stereos, computer, internet connection, videos, dvd player, friends, partying, privacy... I don't really want to go back to Finland yet, but if I possibly could, I would love to be able to just drop by there for a couple of days and enjoy all my previous luxuries. I can't believe it's only been two weeks. Sheesh. Feels like I've been deprived of so many good things for much longer. I'm not putting too much weight into these thoughts however, because I know that at the moment I am feeling depressed and therefore all the miseries just seem to pile on and seem a lot more worse than they really are.

I want a place of my own though. Very badly. My roommate's things clutter up the whole place. I have a little storage space to put my things in, but the rest of it is all filled with her things. There's all her posters, postcards, vases, trinkets, decorations etc littering up every surface, wall and shelf. There is nothing in there that makes the place mine. Apart from a little wall space left for posters, there isn't enough room for my things. I have the landlady to thank for the small space that I have now. Previously the place was packed with her things and the landlady kept telling my roommate to clear things away, because I was coming. Finally when my roommate would not do it, the landlady went into the room herself and just put away a lot of the stuff, took down posters etc. My roommate thinks that the landlady is insane, because she actually cleared off one shelf out of four in the refridgerator for my groceries. My roommate thinks that it was completely unnecessary. Yes, I have one shelf in the fridge for my food, while she has the remaining three.

The problem really isn't that she's greedy, but she just seems to have this Spanish mentality (my perception of it anyhow) that everything should be shared. My roommate's things are all over, but she's always telling me to use them. There's an extra umbrella in her closet, so I can just go there and take it. There's her extra food stored here and there and I'm free to use it. But I'm Finnish. I want boundaries. This shelf is for -my- things and I don't want anybody eating the foods there. I don't want her rummaging through my clothes. When I store things away I want them to stay that way. I'd like for the room to look like I live there as well, instead of being filled with her hideously looking trinkets.

I'm just whiny today. I want my damn laptop connected *&"^£(*&!(£^!!!! Why is everything so hard? Why does it have to rain today as well?
Posted 17:19

Updates
Today's choice after work was to to either stay in and watch episodes of Star Trek:TNG and Stargate SG-1 (*drool* I love the English tv) or come to Hounslow central to check on the internet for a while. Since I am writing here now, obviously internet won. Speaking of writing, I must get back home soon to still do today's quota for nanowrimo...

Yesterday was a very good day. As I was walking home from the station at 9pm, literally the whole sky was filled with fireworks. Bangs, whistles and spectacles all around! Today is supposedly -the- day, the English version of independence day or some sort (*insert one very ignorant Finn here*), but the festivities have been going on since the weekend. Every single night there's been more and more fireworks. So as I was walking in the darkness of the night and seeing all the beautiful colours in the sky I was hit with this enormous "This is the coolest place to be in, I am so glad to here!" feeling.

It all got crushed today however as my till (cash register) ended up missing £10 at the end of the day. The result of which was that I was asked a lot of questions and in the presence of a witness all my belongings were searched, had to take off my shoes etc. Not a pleasant experience at all. And it really bothers me, because I have absolutely no idea where that £10 got off to. Sometimes I wish mind-reading equipment was possible so that they could really see that I certainly did not steal the money.

I received a rather funny e-mail today though, which cheered me up a bit. In Finland there is a kind of a state of pre-marriage. It's basically where two people live together sharing the same household, not necessarily even engaged to each other, but still this form of partnership has some legal ground. For example in cases where you want to apply for financial aid, they look at both person's income instead of just yours etc. Well, I gave my apartment away to a male friend of mine and now he's been contacted by the officials asking about his pre-wife's (for lack of a better English term?) income this year, meaning mine. Hah. Although we might both be facing some troubles now trying to prove that we've never actually lived together and that I am actually in England now, it's all still very funny.

In many ways I feel "bad" about this blog. I never intended for it to become a diary about my daily life, but rather writings about life in general, some politics, few observations about things, thoughts on current wordly news and things like that, but at the moment I just can't concentrate on stuff like that. All the new wonders just about my day keep my mind occupied enough and so when I come here, to some internetcafe, to write a few things in a matter of a few minutes that I only have to spare, only diary-like stuff comes to mind. That was a long sentence. Anyhow, perhaps none of you readers mind what's going on lately and perhaps even want to read more about my daily life, but I'm just saying that it bothers me to do it, because a diary is something that I did not start out to create. Before coming to England I actually thought to set up a separate diary and that I'd even give the address to all my RL friends so they could keep up to date with what's going on, but I don't really know why, but I just don't want to do that after all. I am keeping a diary now, but it's just for myself. *shrug*

And on a final diary-like addition: I'm getting very hungry, so I'll be heading back home now.
Posted 20:19

Googlism
I'll too join the current bandwagon and write what Googlism had to say about Aurel. Apparently I am many different things, but here's some of the most interesting or correct ones:

aurel is coming to the uk to be treated at (Uh oh, they've found me...)
aurel is driven by satisfied customers (Well I do have to deal a lot with customers these days)
aurel is at the end of the afternoon (True, true, it is now 17.20)
aurel is killed during the fighting (Eeeep! Note to self: stay out of fights)
aurel is 45% grenache (What's grenache?)
aurel is really just the best to work with (*beams proudly*)
aurel is coming to the uk to be treated at the wirral limb centre at clatterbridge hospital (There's another Aurel in the UK? Note to self: get rid of the impostor)
aurel is absolutely magical when training fighters with the punchers mitts and the fighters line up with great enthusiasm to work with him (Absolutely magical? Oh yeah! Line up with enthusiasm? I'm so good. Him??? Excuse me? And wasn't I supposed to stay out of fights?)
aurel is right down the street from the banana bungalow (*laugh*)
aurel is an interesting man—an english teacher at the village school (Man? Ok, I am starting to take offense soon)
aurel is proud to be (It's easy to be proud when you're the best)
aurel is thinking and writing about the same things that i am lately (And you are? I want to know, I want to meet similarly minded people!)
aurel is in saudi arabia (Ha ha ha, I really got the CIA fooled this time)
aurel is really tiny and pictures taken using amateur cameras do not come out well (Ok so I am not too tall and not very photogenic, but this is getting a bit too personal)
aurel is from latin (Means golden I believe)
aurel is quiet (*clapclap* One perfectly correct result there)
aurel is coming back with an new title which is called "the sound of love" (Sorry, but I don't think I'll be naming my novel quite that)
aurel is also survived by a brother (I'm an only child unfortunately, unless my parents forgot to tell me something. And what do they mean by 'survived'. What's all this stuff about me dying?)
aurel is a researcher and writer focusing on human (Writer? Cool)
aurel is saltire proper passing a ring of the astronomical character of mars (I have something to do with Mars? Excellent!)
aurel is called in too spice (I am the missing spice girl... Finn Spice)
aurel is daddy for about 30 kids around the europe and usa (The male Aurel's sure do get around, don't they?)
aurel is not my name (Not my real name certainly, but I do like it though)
Posted 19:37

Two days in a row!
It is sort of sad that when I do have time off from work I end up spending a lot of it sitting in a cybercafe, but I probably won't have any chance for the internet from Monday to Wednesday next week, so I better take advantage of this luxury while I can.

First I have to take back some of the nice things I wrote about my roommate previously. When I got home yesterday I found her in the room with a friend of hers who had been smoking inside, smoking in my bedroom! That's just something that I cannot stand. Smoke outside or wherever, but not where I sleep. Then both of them left for dinner and I thought I'd have a nice peaceful evening all to myself, but when she got back shortly afterwards she brought her boyfriend with her. So there I was in my pyjamas, trying to watch a little tv while she and her boyfriend cuddled and kissed next to me. Hrrrmmmm. But again, I try not to stress over the whole thing too much, because there is absolutely nothing that I can do and therefore I just better get used to the situation. In some weird it-builds-character sort of way it's good for a loner like myself to get used to living with another person. Maybe that Mr. Right is waiting just around the corner and this is all a practice for a time when I'll move in with him. Yeah, right.

I met somebody today in London! It's so weird to write anything about it though, because now I know that she'll be reading this. I've met internet acquaintances before, but this was the first time that somebody met the person behind Aurel, the one who keeps this blog. I can only imagine the horror stories she will write about our meeting, he he. All those things about me are not true, I swear! *smirk* I had a good time though. I think I managed to behave fairly well. I have a tendency to be a little weird with new people, but, well... We discussed about this, that just because two people are from the same country doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be instant friends when abroad, but I think this time the ability to speak Finnish helped in making a connection as well. I don't particularly miss speaking Finnish so much yet, I've only been gone for about two weeks now, but there's just a kind of comfort in knowing that the other person knows and understands me better, because they share the same kind of a culture background that I do. Unless she writes in her diary that she thought I was scary, hopefully I'll be seeing her again soon.

Work again tomorrow. Why do the weekends go by so fast?
Posted 19:08

NaNoWriMo
Despite the current changes, needs to adapt and getting used to everything new, I am still trying to stay determined and stick to the NaNoWriMo project that I signed on. So far so good *knock on wood*, but it's only the second day yet. So many days and oh so many words to go...
Posted 18:06

Diary mode: ON
My poor blog is being neglected as I have been occupied by work and still suffer from the lack of good internet access. One of my goals for the weekend is to find a way to convert my mobile phone from Finnish to English and following that to find a way how to use the mobile on the laptop, so I can actually connect from home as well, without having to resort to these akward internet cafes all the time. (Warning: more long rambling sentences will follow). Naturally a mobile phone really isn't the ideal solution for general browsing about the web, but at least I could write longer posts in the peace and comfort of my home and then download them onto the net. I've been completely internetless for the past few days, on Wednesday I only had 30 minutes to spare to write a quick update, I don't have the time to read other people's diaries and blogs, the unanswered e-mails keep piling on as well etc. I need my internet!

I have managed to get my mother addicted to the internet as well. She's been messing around with my computer back home and as she really has no clue what she is doing, but still is eager to try out everything, got the computer into such a chaotic state that she could no longer connect online. Following that she sent me a few frantic text messages, saying she's having problems. Following that she left a few voice messages on my mobile as well, saying that she desperately needs my help and that I have to call her... So I spent £6 ($9) this morning on the phone giving instructions on how to shut down the computer properly and so on.

So, what else has been going on lately? I started work on Tuesday, but first two days were spent doing just introductory stuff, learning things about the company, how they operate, about various healthy and safety hazards, proper lifting methods and blah blah. Did you know that when you use a knife you should be careful? Well, I learned that. What was most interesting for me though was all the things relating to bombs. Everywhere around here, bus stops, street corners etc. one can see these posters giving instructions what to do if you see unattended packages or bags. At work there is an actual list of procedures on the wall what to follow should somebody call and say that there is a bomb at the airport.

The actual work has been alright. It's definately not something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it's very good for now. The job's quite hectic, especially since I don't really know what I am doing and constantly need to ask for help. I work at a large food place that has a lot of counters where people can pick up different kinds of foods and drinks, taking them then all to the cash register and then proceeding to the eating area. They put me working on the cash register (the till I should say rather) the past couple of days, which has suited me fine, because it means that I can sit for most of the day. That means that at the end of the day I am not completely exhausted and on my days off I won't be just treating my poor legs, but actually have the strength to walk. So, I'm quite happy with the position. I'm constantly worried about the money though and making mistakes with it, either giving people too much or too little, something which, if it happens a lot, could get me into a lot of trouble. I must be doing alright though, because yesterday they asked me to stay a couple hours overtime.

The situation with the roommate is fairly good at the moment. One of the benefits of not having friends is that I am more sociable towards the people I do meet. Some days I am actually quite happy to see my roommate and talk with her, because I haven't talked with anybody all day. We've been spending some time together, having a bit of dinner together and just chatting and stuff. It's still a bit of a difficult situation though, because for example sometimes I'd like to stay up to watch tv or read a book, but knowing that she has to get up at 6am for her work, I go to sleep exactly when she does. Yesterday after work she invited me over to one of her friends' homes where I met some people, had some dinner and a couple of drinks and talked a lot with one person. So, things are going quite well right now.

What has surprised me has been the amount of paperwork involved in being and working here. As a member of the European Union I don't need to get a working permit, a resident visa or anything of the sort, but there's still been a lot of things to take care of. Just the seemingly simple procedure of opening a bank account has proved to be quite an impossible task. The banks here require a lot of different documents and statements that must have exact information about this and that. Any deviation from the exact data needed and the whole process is put to a halt. I filled out a number of applications, they took all of the necessary documents from me and said they'd contact me back. This was Thursday. On Friday I called the bank and they said they're still processing it. Now's the weekend so I can't do anything. On Monday I'll go to the bank personally and demand to see some results. I won't get paid from work until I have a bank account!

Another interesting chapter is the National Insurance Agency. Everybody working in England must have a national insurance number, but actually getting one is a job of its own. I called them first, they asked all kinds of questions on the phone and at the end they schedule an appointment for an interview. Usually the waiting line for an interview is around 2-6 months. I guess I was lucky, because mine is at the end of November. Again one needs to bring in all kinds of documentation about this and that to the interview. For example I'll need a letter from my employer stating that I am really employed there. I will need some proof of address, something to prove that I live in the address in England that I claim to live at etc. From what I hear of the interview it is much like the one seen in the movie Green Card, where they practically ask you what flavor toothpaste you prefer. On the phone the person asked me if I had ever been to England before and I said yeah as a tourist. He asked me when. I said umm last time sometime in April 1996. The guy said when I come to the interview I must have -exact- dates of when I arrived and when I left, of every single time that I've been to England previously. Ummmm, ok... Are they going to deport me back to Finland if I can't answer all the questions in a satisfactory manner?

Another interesting English feature is the fascination with titles. Gert once wrote about that, but I didn't quite believe the situation could be that weird until now. No matter where I call or what application I fill out, there's always the question of am I Mrs or Miss or whatever. Subsequently after that all the letters I receive or the people I call (such as at the bank) insist on always putting the title first. Miss Aurel Blah this and that. I don't quite understand why it matters so much.

Well, I guess that's all the rambling I had in me for now.
Posted 16:29

Things about words
It's so absolutely fabulously marvelous to be in an English speaking country where everybody actually says toilets instead of the silly nonsense about bathrooms or restrooms.

Plasters mean band-aids. Weird. Till means the cash-register. Odd.

I was given pants at work, as part of the uniform. Somebody asked me how they were and I was explaining all about my pants, before I realized that pants actually here means underpants and I should have talked of trousers instead. A little embarrassing.
Posted 20:40

Funny little detail
When I first arrived here and got on the tube from Heathrow airport towards Hounslow there was a message constantly scrolling on the wall of the subway saying 'This train is for COCKFOSTERS'. At first I thought somebody had decided to make a joke and that it was some weird British way of saying 'Only cocksuckers ride this train'. Then I thought that maybe it's an advertisement for a really peculiarly flavored Foster's beer. I'm not ashamed to admit that it actually took me until the next day to realize that Cockfosters is actually the name of a place at the end of the Piccadilly line that I was riding on... Still a very odd word though.
Posted 20:15

Pretending that I belong
About the worst thing that I can imagine, in a foreign country, is standing in some street corner and taking out a map. I don't really know why, but I try my best to never look like a tourist, no matter where I go. When visiting London these days I check on all the maps, tube routes etc before hand, in the comfort of my home, and memorize all the information that I will need during the day to get to all the places I want to. Then I can simply swish swoosh from one place to another looking as if I've been doing it all my life. The horror of looking like a tourist is a reason why I haven't yet taken a single photograph either. I remember back in the days when I visited China and Thailand about how much I was bothered by the fact that no matter what I did or how I acted, there was no way I could blend in completely. It was a strange feeling to suddenly find myself as part of the different looking minority. In London it doesn't seem to matter what one looks like - there's so many different kinds of people everywhere.
Posted 19:53

Little update
This blog is turning into a diary... I meant to go to the Natural History Museum in London today, but due to the strong wind I am stuck here. The "underground" actually runs above ground this far out and the wind has knocked some trees onto the tracks. I have no clue about the busses. So I've just been walking around the main Hounslow street, popping from one store to another and buying a few useful things (extension cords, storage bin) and some not so essential (DVDs). I don't actually start work until Tuesday so I have one more day to enjoy myself.
Posted 16:52

First impressions

Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-from Shakespeare's Macbeth

So much to write about, so many things going on in my head, but I just don't know where to begin. First of all though, I absolutely love London! It's really a bit too early for me to say anything though, since I've only been here for a couple of days and everything is still so fresh and new, but still... I have this feeling inside of me that I have finally come home, that I have found the one place on earth where I am supposed to be at. I am quite sure this feeling will eventually change once the novelty wears off, when I am completely stressed out by work and when I begin to miss all the things I wrote about previously, but at least right now I feel truly content and happy. Just buying a day pass and hopping from one tube (underground/subway/metro) to another is a source of endless entertainment for me still. Heh.

The current accomodation situation isn't the best possible. It would be almost ideal, except that I have a roommate. She seems really nice and all, but I seriously need my own privacy. I'm fine with sharing the kitchen or the bathroom, but I need my own space that I can decorate the way I want, where I can spread my own things, where I can do and be exactly as I wish. With somebody else constantly there I just cannot be natural, but I have to put on my 'must be social and talkative' phase, which can get stressing if I have no escape from it. Home and solitude is where I go to recharge my batteries so I can then be social and friendly out of the home. But anyhow, since the situation cannot be helped at the moment, I try not to worry too much about it and just convince myself that I can change.

London reminds me a lot of New York City. London is like a smaller, friendlier version of Manhattan. Smaller in the sense that the buildings are smaller, the city lacks the grandness of the huge skyscrapers, but at the same time the buildings here are more beautiful. Where Manhattan feels new and modern, in London I feel surrounded by history. People here are more friendly and polite. A lot of please's, excuse me's, pardon me's, men keeping the door open and smily faces around. While people in both cities seem to be constantly in a hurry to somewhere else, on Manhattan there was a definate rudeness attached to it - people shoving, carhorns honking, loud swearing etc. All the low-paying jobs in both cities appear to be occupied by foreigners and soon I'll be one of them as well.

Sometimes it feels as if I've stepped into a reverse universe. It's been very difficult to get my brains to realize that the cars really do drive on the wrong side of the road. Everytime when I approach a street crossing I keep telling myself to do the opposite of what I am used to, but I still manage to mess it up. If it weren't for the huge LOOK RIGHT and LOOK LEFT painted on the roads, I probably would have been ran over by now. A lot of the hot and cold water faucets are switched. Doors open inwards instead of outwards. It's like somebody took the world, shook it up a bit and some things just ended up a little wacky. It's all great though, I like discovering all those little things that are different.

So far I haven't really felt homesick. I felt the first bouts of melancholy yesterday as I visited the British Museum and remembered that the last time I went there I was with my mother. Then later on as I was wandering around Covent Garden and Leicester Square, looking at all the thousands of people eating, partying and having a great time on a Friday night, I really wished I would have been there with a bunch of friends as well. I so wanted to be a part of that crowd, instead of just an awed spectator. I have a feeling I'll end up an outsider all my time here, but I am quite used to that.
Posted 19:30

Here I am again
Greetings from an overcrowded internet cafe by the Victoria station in London this time. The interview went well and I start work on Monday. It's been an interesting experience overall so far and I'd love to write more, but these cybercafes just aren't the best place for it. I'm looking into options how to get my laptop connected to the net somehow. My plans today involve going to the theatre if I can just find a way to Milton Keynes from here. Sean Bean should be playing Macbeth, mmmmm. I hope the ticket I bought over the net months ago is still valid. Hopefully there'll be more proper entries later...
Posted 16:21

Greetings from England
Well I made it safely. My first thought upon arrival was "Oooh it's warm!". When I left Helsinki at 6am in the morning it was -12C outside, over here it was +15C. I keep telling everybody how wonderfully warm it is here and they all look at me like I am crazy... Nothing's worked out quite the way it was supposed to. The place where I am staying at changed and now my workplace will be different as well. I need to get going for the interview right now actually.
Posted 14:58

Step into the abyss... and let go

"The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My dad always told me that's the only way you deal with pain; you don't surrender, you don't fight it, you turn it into something positive. He used to say: 'If you are falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose.'"

"You can't turn away from death simply because you're afraid of what might happen without you. That's not enough! You're not embracing life. You're fleeing death. And so you're caught in between, unable to go forward or backward. Your friends need what you can be when you are no longer afraid, when you know who you are and why you are and what you want, when you are no longer looking for reasons to live, but can simply be."

"It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?"
- Quotes from the Babylon 5 tv series

Off I go...
Posted 05:27

Last day
The fact that I am really leaving begun to set in today along with a sense of panic. I must be completely out of my mind. I kept looking around, looking at all the comforts that I have, the needed privacy, my nice things and I just couldn't believe I was throwing it all away. At the same time a big part of me still wants to go. If I had the option to cancel everything and get my money back would I do it? No. This is something that I must do, for better or for worse. And it's not like it's for the rest of my life either. It's only a few months, no big deal. So my thoughts today have been a complete chaos bouncing from one side to the other.

I just returned from mom's where I dropped off my car and took the taxi back home. All the goodbyes are now done with. It's 9.15pm and after a day of running around doing last minute errands I feel exhausted. I haven't packed yet though...

Things that I will miss:

• Familiarity
  Not knowing where and how things are and work. It's part of the fascination of travelling abroad - to see how life can be lived differently, but just as good. But if I really need to get something done, for example go to the doctor because of my current little flu, it'll be stressing not to know where I can go, how things are done, how can I get it paid through my insurance etc.
  
• Finnish language
  Although I can speak English quite fluently and I don't feel uncomfortable using it, Finnish is still my first language. I love Finnish with all its strange dialects and slangs. I love how Finnish people (at least around here) love to mix in different words, make up new words, switch between dialects and languages etc. It's like a constant little verbal game. I don't get that with English. I know how to express myself in English, but I don't know how to play with the language.
  
• Finnish music
  I used to hate Finnish music. It was all very weird, depressing etc, but these days there's so many different kinds and a lot of "main stream" bands.
  
• Finnish people
  We're a species of our own, with our quirky ways and personalities. English people fascinate me though. I have all these ideas, from tv and movies I'm afraid, of how I expect the English people to be like. It'll be interesting to see how false my expectations were.
  
• My friends
  I'll miss having people to hang out and talk with. Hopefully I can make new friends somehow.
  
• My car
  I'm a slave to the public transportation system now. I've been spoiled rotten in the past years. If I can possibly afford it though, I've been considering renting a car now and then in England to drive out to see some of the countryside as well. That is if I can ever get used to the idea of people driving on the wrong side of the road. Gack! Driver seat on the right side of the car? Umm maybe I should just forget the whole idea...
  
• Chinchillas
  I'll worry about my critters more than I'll actually miss them, to be honest. It's not that mom would intentionally neglect them, but I fear the reverse - that she fills them up with too many goodies and then their little livers and hearts will burst from sugar & fat overdose. They won't get out of the cage much either. I feel so guilty about just dumping them on my mother. They're my responsibility.
  

Posted 21:12

Computers
After lengthy pondering and a nice travel bonus from a fatherly direction along with the money I had from trading in my old computer, I decided to buy myself a laptop. It's not that I absolutely must have a computer along for the trip, but having one will greatly add to my comfort. I know that I'll be feeling lost, insecure and homesick at some point and as sad as it may be, a computer does provide a certain kind of a safe refuge for me, a familiar world where I can retreat to if necessary. In the years since I got a Commodore 64 I haven't lived without a computer much. I'll be able to play my CDs, I can watch DVDs, a couple of my games actually run on the laptop, I can write stuff (still thinking of NaNoWriMo) and hopefully I can occasionally log on to the internet as well.

As addicted as I think I am to computers, it never ceases to amaze me though how quickly I am able to let go of them during vacations. During the 16 day trip to USA last summer I never longed for a computer or felt the need to log in. Only on the day before last as I was wandering alone and happened to walk by a cybercafe did the thought cross my mind. I can spend the entire 2-3 week trip not once thinking of computers, but the instant I return back home I need to login to check my e-mail. No matter how exhausted I was or how I had decided to go straight to bed after work, I always found myself logging in, even if only for a couple of minutes. As long as computers are out of my sight, I am well and able to forget about them, but when in the presence of one, I just lose control.

Hi, my name is Aurel and I'm a compuholic.
Posted 21:20

The day approaches
I'm feeling better today, hurray! Sore throat and stuffy nose are still there, but at least the fever is gone and I've been able to function. The chinchillas are now gone. I'm really going to miss them and worry that they're ok. I returned all my gear and keys to the workplace. I said goodbye to my best friend. It's all really happening. Today is Sunday. It's so hard to believe that by Tuesday I'll be in England.
Posted 19:21

Yay and Oh no!
The good news is that today was my last day at work (until I begin the new one). The bad news is that I am sick: sore throat, stuffy nose and fever. This really couldn't have happened at a worse time. /"&%/"%#/"%#!!! Hopefully, please oh please, relaxing the rest of the day and a good nights sleep will cure me.

Something funny though... My mom's trying to figure out how to use the computer. She called me because her screen had filled with all kinds of windows and she couldn't get onto the internet. So I tried to offer assistance through the phone "See the X in the upper right corner of that window, press it with the left button on the mouse" etc etc. I kept telling her what to do and she kept telling me that either nothing happened or that things just kept on getting worse. After a lot of going back and forth of "Be sure to press the left button, quickly" etc we finally figured out that she had actually been holding the mouse upside down the whole time...

Posted 18:54

Fears
I've always been very good at pushing myself into weird situations. I get completely excited about some idea and do what it takes to make it work out, but then when I have it, I realize it's not really what I wanted after all. I'm not having regrets now, I'm still excited about going to London, but I've also become more aware of the fact that I might just end up having a miserable time in England instead.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to make any kind of a connection with the people and the place. That I'll just count the days until my return and after a few months come happily back to Finland without having really learned or experienced anything. It's so hard for me to make new friends. Maybe I'll hang out with some German and Italian co-worker a couple of times, perhaps see a movie once a month with them and that'll be the extent of the "friendships" that I'll make. I have nothing against Germans and Italians, but when I go to England I'd mostly like to meet with English people. I want to make friends with the locals. I want to feel like I belong there. I don't want to feel like a temporary tourist, but rather experience life to the fullest. I don't know how to accomplish that. I always try to keep an open-mind, smile and act friendly, but nothing changes the fact that I am really shy and usually end up being the outsider whom nobody notices.

I also fear that people will think me weird, because of my particular English accent. Or worse yet, they'll think I am putting on some act in an attempt to look cool. The fact is that I sound like a Finnish person trying to speak like an American. Lately I've tried to practice talking English in a pure Finnish accent, but I just can't do it anymore. I've had this mixed accent for too long. I'd love to learn the proper English accent instead. I think the generic British English just sounds so fascinating. I realize there are dozens of different accents in Britain though, some of which resemble Swahili more than they do English in fact. I fear that I won't be able to understand some people. They'll think they're talking in English, they'll know that I understand English and yet I'll just stare at them with confusion and keep repeating "Ummm, what did you say?"

One of my fears is that I'll be proven to be a complete idiot. If I were travelling to Brazil or Korea the locals could perhaps forgive me for not being so well educated about their country, but this is England, part of Europe, practically around the corner from Finland. I feel like I should know a lot more than I do now. I know tidbits from here and there. I know the English education system has some things called A-levels and O-levels, but I have no clue what those really mean. I know they have a Labour party and judging from the name I can make some guesses, but I don't really know what the party's agenda is. I'm not an avid football (aka soccer) fan and off-hand I can only remember three British teams (Manchester United, Glasgow Rangers and Arsenal). I know there's a couple Finns playing there somewhere, but no idea in what teams. I fear I'll end up making some horribly stupid comment on the scale of "Oh, England has a Queen then? What's her name?" or something and people will shake their heads in disgust and leave me alone.

And just in case I try to console myself with the fact that well, perhaps the English people don't know so much about Finland in turn, it'll be just my luck that I'll bump into some ultimate Finnish expert. He/she will want to discuss the details of a document President Kekkonen delivered to Russia in 1976 or some such and all I'll be able to say is that I have no idea and I will be proven to be an idiot even when it comes to matters of my own country.

The rest of my fears are much more common. It's going to be hard to adjust to living with a family again, being surrounded by other people. I'm too used to my own habits, my privacy and not having to share things with anybody. I can try to be social and out-going when amongst other people, but home has always been the place where I can truly be myself and relax. Solitude is how I charge my batteries and I don't know how much I'll be able to do that.

The future job worries me a little, but as odd as it might sound, working as a cleaner has given me a lot of self-confidence in regards to work. I've realized that I can do anything possible if I just put my mind to it and don't let myself quit too easily, which I am prone to do. I'll be working in a cafe at the airport and I am already entertaining ideas about how to spook the occasional Finnish passengers by suddenly saying something in Finnish.

Only three more days to go...
Posted 14:42

Some pictures
For some reason the scanned pictures look a lot darker than the originals. I'm sure that's fixable somewhere, but these will have to do for now.
The view
My three furballs
Posted 17:08

Deleted
Written on Thursday actually
I got so angry yesterday (Wednesday) about a number of things. I wrote a lengthy rants and ravings post where I vented it all out, but I chose not to publish the entry right then. Today I have calmed down and I've decided to delete the entry after all. Maybe that's not the correct way of doing things, in my own blog and all, but a lot of the things I got so mad about were really personal and on later reflection I don't want them published all over the world yet. I can't forget nor can I fully forgive either, but I'm not angry anymore. Writing it all down, whether nobody will ever get to read it or not, helped me a great deal in any case.

I do have a great many other things I'd like to write about here though, but lately finding the time has been really hard. When I am not working I'm running from place to place to take care of everything. Not really complaining, but it would be nice to be able to just sit down and relax for a while too. On the other hand being busy keeps me from getting too nervous.
Posted 22:34

Busy
I've written down a list of things that I need to take care of before I leave for London. For some odd reason though no matter how many things I do the list doesn't seem to get any shorter. I've gotten the plane tickets now. I leave Oct 22nd, that's next Tuesday. My heart skips a beat everytime I realize I am actually leaving in a week, for real. I've also done quite a bit of shopping, accessories and some clothes. Went to the bank today as well. It's a little difficult trying to organize everything while still having to work as well, but I'll manage... somehow. Tomorrow I'm taking my computer to my mother. She's never used one and I'm supposed to set up an e-mail account for her and then teach her how to use it. It should prove to be a rather interesting evening. Taking the chinchillas to her place will be a project for another day. Must not think of all the things still left undone or I shall go crazy...
Posted 19:54

Bad things
Today the papers have been filled with photos and stories of the 19 year old chemistry student who blew himself up in the middle of a shopping mall last Friday. Such a nice looking young man who was still living with his parents and a sister. He didn't leave any note behind so the real motive might remain a mystery forever. I can't possibly imagine what the family is going through right now. I hope people will leave them alone, except perhaps to offer their condolances.

It seems so wrong to still dwell on this when a bomb exploded on Bali killing almost 200 people.

So many bad things going on. If humankind still exists 500 years from now, will they look back and pity us for having lived in such dark ages or will they look upon this time period as a heaven compared to theirs?
Posted 13:11

Death penalty
The execution of Aileen Wuornos in Florida was a major headline over here for a couple of days this past week. The tabloids called her the "Finnish killer", because her maternal grandparents were Finnish and that's why the whole incident gained so much attention here.

There's a lot of reasons both for and against the death penalty. I can agree with a lot of the sentiments given by people in favor of the death penalty, but I can equally see wisdom in what the people against it say. I can agree that some criminals just cannot be cured, that keeping them alive would only be a waste of resources and that some crimes are just so horrible that the person who commits such things really deserves to die. At the same time I think of all the innocents who were executed, of how it often takes years to finally execute somebody and how by then they might be a whole different person who no longer deserves to die and finally of how wrong it is to think of money when a human being's life is at stake.

However, for myself, the whole thing really boils down to one single fact: a government cannot say that killing is illegal, if it is in turn legally killing its own citizens. A government cannot operate on the motto that "Don't do as I do, but do as I say". A government is supposed to set the example on how things should be done. They should know better. Murder is a murder even if it is the government doing the deed.
Posted 13:19

The Longest Story Ever
Here's the overly long and boring story finally:

Back in 1996 I visited London for a week with my mother and I absolutely fell in love with the city. We didn't see much of the usual sights, but rather every day we picked out a different park and just spent the day walking around the parks and gardens. Ever since then I've always wanted to go back to London one day.

About a year ago the wish to go back to London got stronger. From there the idea came that why just visit like a tourist for a couple of weeks when I could actually go live and work there for a while. Within the Finnish unemployment office there was a notice from an English company saying that they help people find jobs and accomodation in England. I began telling people that I was thinking of that doing that in the spring.

Spring came and went and I did nothing. The wish to go was still there and people kept asking me about it, but I guess I just didn't want to go badly enough. I kept having different kinds of excuses, the trip to USA was being planned etc. It just wasn't the right time.

After coming back from USA and over the summer the wish to go to London kept getting stronger, eventually developing into a kind of an urgency, which I really can't explain. I contacted the business, sent in my application, phoned them, exchanged e-mails and started waiting. I told them that I was thinking of staying for 3 months beginning the 1st of October. I gave my apartment to a friend and got a job to help with paying for the plane tickets and other expenses.

October kept getting closer, but I just wasn't getting any information from the company. I e-mailed them again and they told me that as soon as they'd know anything they'd let me know. So I waited and waited. October started and I still hadn't gotten any word. Eventually I had to accept the fact that it had been a lost cause and all my waiting had been for nothing. I couldn't accept it though. The sense of urgency had built up to such proportions that I couldn't bear the thought that I'd be stuck in Finland after all. I had a job that I didn't really like, I was living in a temporary place, I really had nothing keeping me here and my mind had been completely set on going.

I began to consider the option of just flying to London and searching for employment there myself. As much as I have misgivings about the European Union the one great thing is that I can go to any EU nation, get a job and live there just like the citizens of that country. No need for permits or visas. I asked a couple of people if they'd possibly know of anybody who'd be willing to let me stay at their home while I look for a job and thus save on the living expenses while I had no income. I began to look into the cheapest possible hostels. I wasn't going to be picky about employment. Any work washing dishes or cleaning hotels would have been fine, just as long as it would have paid for the living expenses and food. I had saved almost all the money I had gotten from work, paying for my food with money from empty bottles and such, so I had enough for the plane tickets and to additionally support myself for a while.

It was still quite a leap to make though - just flying to a foreign country and hoping to find work somewhere. Apart from a few people on the internet whom I haven't met in real life yet, I didn't know anybody in England. I gave myself until Thursday, Oct 10th, to decide once and for all if I was going to go ahead with my plan or just forget about London completely. When I got back from work late Wednesday night there was an e-mail waiting for me. I had written to the UK embassy in Finland asking a few details about living and working in England, wanting to make sure I really didn't need any permits and things like that. They answered my questions and in closing wished me a pleasant time in the UK. I took that as a positive sign, one that was telling me to say yes to my plan.

Thursday morning I got online again and found another e-mail waiting. This one was from the English company! With my hands trembling I began to read the mail and found it to contain information about a place to stay and a job position for me. That the e-mail came on the same day that I was going to make my decision was the final sign, for me, that I was meant to go. I e-mailed all the relevant information to a friend and asked his help in finding out if everything seemed alright. As excited as I was, I was still aware that there are all kinds of scams and bad things in the world and I didn't want to end up as a sex slave in Saudi Arabia all of a sudden.

I went and booked myself a flight to London. They gave me a couple of days before I'd actually have to confirm and pay for it. I gave a resignation notice at work, something which wasn't received very happily, but at least the boss thanked me for letting her know in advance. I offered to do as many extra shifts as necessary, partially to help out with the worker shortage there and partly because I could always use even more money. The job offer that I had received wasn't going to pay very much, but just enough for room and food as I had originally thought anyhow, so it was good to have as much savings as possible before I left.

And, well, here I am, back to the present. Feeling both excited and nervous and my head filled with all kinds of thoughts - enough of them to make another entry another time.
Posted 10:10