A visit
I live in my father's apartment. He lives somewhere else and I haven't seen him since June 2002. Ages ago. On Monday, however, he is coming for a two-week visit. Since he has no other place where to go and this is, after all, his own apartment, he is naturally coming to stay with me. I've been fine with the idea, up until now anyways.

Part of me is really glad. Being forced to share the same small space, at least I will be seeing my father a lot. Making up for all the months of absence in between. We've always gotten along just fine, but since my teenage years it's been hard to find something for us to do together or to talk about. I don't think we understand each other very well, nor can we find ways how to discuss that. It'll still be nice just to have him around though.

Another part of me has some serious doubts about the next two weeks. It will be a miracle if he doesn't, once again, bring up the fact how I am wasting my life. I am afraid of what he'll think about the apartment now and the changes I have made. I fear that, despite my kind request, he will smoke inside the apartment and my allergies will kill me. In general, I am apprehensive about the whole situation, about the parent-child dynamic and how that will play out in this scenario.

Posted 22:26

Excellent read
"Ours was a ragged and uneven parting. Each of us had intended to see the other again. Each of us had had final words to say. My days with [snip] ended like a half-played game of stones, the outcome poised and uncertain, possibilities hovering. Sometimes it seemed to me a cruelty that so much was unresolved between us; at other times a blessing that a hope of reunion lingered. It is like the anticipation that a clever minstrel evokes when he pauses, letting silence pool before sweeping into the final refrain of his song. Sometimes a gap can be seen like a promise yet to be fulfilled."
--- From the book Fool's Fate by Robin Hobb.

I've never cried so much while reading a book as I did when reading that one. The end of Lord of the Rings is certainly heart-wrenching, even devastating, but the above mentioned book had me deeply moved several times along the way. It was the combination of the story-line finally coming to an end and the unbelievably beautiful writing. I am in complete awe of Hobb's mastery of the words. It has gotten increasingly better with each book.

The Farseer trilogy, focusing on the life of FitzChivalry Farseer, came first. Even though the story did come to a definate end, it was a very unsatisfying one. Unfair, would be a good word to use. Then came the Liveship Traders trilogy, which apart from being set in the same world, had very few connections with the first trilogy (or so it seemed at the time). Next, much to my delight, the author chose to check up on FitzChivalry's life and finally bring his story to a real end. So in a sense, Fool's Fate was the culmination of a six book series. An excellent six book series. Not like Robert Jordan's drivel, which at ten books already is getting nowhere near the end and keeps getting more and more trivial and boring. Enough of my sale speech... But if you are, in any way, interested in fantasy (and science-fiction) themed books, then I absolutely recommend reading all of Hobb's novels.
Posted 19:40

Movielist
Apparently I am in a stealing mood. This one I bumped into at Ignispati/Animamea. The idea is to 'bold' the movies that one has seen. Some of these certainly sound very familiar and I also have a nagging suspicion that I have seen them, such as 'One flew over the cuckoo's nest', but since I cannot say for sure, I'm leaving such movies out.

1. Godfather, The (1972)
2. Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3. Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
4. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003)
5. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
6. Casablanca (1942)
7. Schindler's List (1993)
8. Shichinin no samurai (1954)
9. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
10. Citizen Kane (1941)
11. Star Wars (1977)
12. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
13. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
14. Rear Window (1954)
15. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
16. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17. Memento (2000)
18. Usual Suspects, The (1995)
19. Pulp Fiction (1994)
20. North by Northwest (1959)
21. Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain, Le (2001)
22. Psycho (1960)
23. 12 Angry Men (1957)
24. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
25. Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
26. Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
27. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
28. Goodfellas (1990)
29. American Beauty (1999)
30. Vertigo (1958)
31. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32. Pianist, The (2002)
33. Matrix, The (1999)
34. Apocalypse Now (1979)
35. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
36. Some Like It Hot (1959)
37. Taxi Driver (1976)
38. Paths of Glory (1957)
39. Third Man, The (1949)
40. C'era una volta il West (1968)
41. Fight Club (1999)
42. Boot, Das (1981)
3. Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001) (Spirited Away)
44. Double Indemnity (1944)
45. L.A. Confidential (1997)
46. Chinatown (1974)
47. Singin' in the Rain (1952)
48. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
49. Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
50. M (1931)
51. All About Eve (1950)
52. Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
53. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
54. Se7en (1995)
55. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
56. Cidade de Deus (2002)
57. Raging Bull (1980)
58. Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
59. Rash?mon (1950)
60. Sting, The (1973)
61. American History X (1998)
62. Alien (1979)
63. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
64. Leon (The Professional) (1994)
65. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
66. Vita bella, La (1997) (Life Is Beautiful)
67. Touch of Evil (1958)
68. Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
69. Wo hu cang long (2000) (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)
70. Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
71. Great Escape, The (1963)
72. Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
73. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
74. Annie Hall (1977)
75. Amadeus (1984)
76. Jaws (1975)
77. Ran (1985)
78. On the Waterfront (1954)
79. Modern Times (1936)
80. High Noon (1952)
81. Braveheart (1995)
82. Apartment, The (1960)
83. Sixth Sense, The (1999)
84. Fargo (1996)
85. Aliens (1986)
86. Shining, The (1980)
87. Blade Runner (1982)
88. Strangers on a Train (1951)
89. Duck Soup (1933)
90. Metropolis (1927)
91. Finding Nemo (2003)
92. Donnie Darko (2001)
93. Toy Story 2 (1999)
94. Princess Bride, The (1987)
95. General, The (1927)
96. City Lights (1931)
97. Lola rennt (1998) (Run Lola Run)
98. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
99. Notorious (1946)
100. Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)
Posted 20:56

The seven deadly sins
Snatched this survey from SPB:

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?
Not sure, been such a long time. I'm slow to anger but have a massive explosion once it happens. If we're talking about just generally getting pissed off then it'd be today, at this one doctor.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Words, lots of them, if is really reaches the anger stage. Usual tactic, before that, is to just walk away and block the whole incident from my mind.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
No.

4. How about of the same sex?
No.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry with you?
My mother.

6. What is your pet peeve?
There's lots! One example: people who feel the need to talk nonsense constantly just to hear their own voice.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Just anger I can let go of eventually. In some cases it has taken me two years to fully forget, but I do eventually. It is possible for highly annoying people to eventually reach a point of no-return however.


SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?
Properly clean and arrange my apartment.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Around 5pm or so, but that was during the time when I frequently went to sleep around 11am though.

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
My previous best friend with whom I lost contact.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
To myself or to others? I make lame excuses to myself often, but for others I opt to go with the truth most often.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)?
No.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?
Last summer, biking.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I rarely use it. Better to just set the alarm at the latest possible time.


GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Yuppie? Hmm. Pepsi Max (=Diet Pepsi?)

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
White.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
I never count. Enough that I have no memory of the evening, puked all over myself and had the mother of all hang-overs. Never again.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
No.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Yes.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
I definately have a sweet tooth.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"?
Eeeewwww.


LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?
Probably hundreds, if you count all the people at the dozens of swimming centers I've been to in my lifetime. Otherwise, ummm, 30? Too many to keep count of.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?
If I saw them naked, they most likely saw me naked (see previous answer).

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
I suppose sometimes, if it fell upon my field of vision.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Does it count as a body part, dunno, but it would be hair.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Not that many male prostitutes around... Nope, I haven't.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
No.


GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
One is enough.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
DVDs.

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
Start my own company.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definately rich. I'd go crazy if I was constantly followed by photographers.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I already do a boring job for littlebucks.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Some candy when I was seven years old.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Around 300.


PRIDE
1. What's one thing you've done that you're most proud of?
I guess how I have been able to get a 'life' and my continuing pursuit to improve it.

2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I don't think my parents are proud of me. I mean sure they love me in their own quirky way, but in general they seem unsatisfied with my life choices and are not afraid to say so.

3. What's one thing that you would like to accomplish in your life?
To be able to look back without any regrets.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Sometimes. Sometimes I think I deserve better.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill that the competitors?
I rarely compete, but I am sure I must have just to boost my ego.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
No. Too chicken to do it.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Nothing.


ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
A significant other.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
That involves trading houses with somebody? With somebody who lives somewhere really warm right now.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
A version of me that is beautiful and thin, has a job she loves, a husband who worships the ground she walks on and has a couple children.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I have been aware of.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Oh have I ever... hundreds of times.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
More outgoing.

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
Err, no.

8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Pride. Too much of it isn't good, but within moderation it can drive people to better themselves and the world that they live in.
Posted 22:33

Recap of the year 2003
I see these year reviews done everywhere and like reading them, so I'll try to do a little recap of my own.

January 1st 2003 I was standing at Piccadilly Square in London, being pushed around by a large crowd while champagne rained down on me. I was surrounded by people and yet alone.

At the end of January I went back to Finland for a visit. It was very snowy. I took my mom's dog for walks in the nearby forest and took pictures.

It was extremely hard to leave Finland and go back to UK. This time I had my car with me however and the trip itself wasn't too bad. I like road trips. Met some friends in Holland along the way.

It's really hard to imagine that I spent nearly half of 2003 in England. Me? I actually did that? I left everything behind and tried to make a new life in another country? All alone? I'm really proud of myself.

The way back seemed to take forever. I left England on a Tuesday at the end of May and arrived in Finland on Friday. For a long time I was utterly bewildered and lost. I spent a month staring at the tv and sleeping.

July was a good month. The heat wave hit Finland and I went to the beach almost every day. I rode my bike and swam a lot and generally felt pretty good about life. I made plans about the rest of my life.

In August I realized that I had ran out of money and luckily found myself a job in a warehouse, packing cosmetic products. Any idiot could do that job, but at least they pay their idiots.

Something miraculous happened - I made two new friends. Not just one, but two. I meet new people all the time and on a good day manage to talk pleasantly with them, laugh with them and generally get along with these people. There's a whole bunch of friends' friends that I meet at parties for example. But as soon as our roads diverge, I never hear from them again. Those are not friends. This time however, by some lucky break that I didn't think I deserved, I well and truly connected with two new people.

After a few of months I was fired from my job only to be called back a week later. Since all my other job applications had never produced even a single 'no thank you' reply, I reluctantly returned to packing.

Mother's dog was diagnosed with cancer and a week later she was dead. I always used to think that the dog was spoiled rotten. It was so pampered and all of its needs and wants were met with instantly. The dog was the center of their entire universe. I used to think that was wrong somehow. Now I wish I had appreciated the dog more while she still lived. Not by pampering her even more, but simply in rejoicing more about her existance, acknowledging the fact that in all likelihood I would, by far, outlive her and therefore should take more pleasure from knowing her.

This lead me to think about my parents and how granted I usually take them for. While it's true that any of us could die any instant, it's still hard to consider my friends as mortals. Whereas my parents are clearly older than me and again, most likely, I will end up outliving them. As horrible a thought as it is, I can sort of picture myself years from now looking down on a grave and wishing that I could get just one day back to see my mother or father again. I am living those 'one day's right now and I don't think I have appreciated them enough.

All in all 2003 was a fairly hard year for me. Nothing really outwardly drastic happened, but still the year was filled with inner turmoils and indecisions. I remained stressed about my future, sometimes experiencing all-encompassing fears that my dreams would never come true.

2004 is the year to finally set things in motion. I finally know what I want with my life. Achieving those goals is not wholly up to me, so I am still occasionally gripped with utter terror, the panicky thoughts that if things do not go accord to plan, I will have nothing left.

2004 is a leap year and I hope that by the end of it I can proudly boast of having made a leap of my own.
Posted 12:02

Wonder of wonders
For the longest time I was convinced that even the most hardcore lunatics had finally given up on this blog, since I never update anymore. I'd make a new entry once in a blue moon and never receive any sort of comments to it. Depressing 'Comments[0]' every single time until I once accidentally clicked on the link and found inside 4 comments from weeks before that I had never read. I rejoiced, amidst wonder at my non-working comment system, up until today (a few weeks later, I am slow) when I actually investigated the cause of the problem and fixed it! Go me! Maybe there is still some life left in this blog.
Posted 10:48

Predictions
During New Years there is a tradition in Finland to melt a piece of tin after midnight. Shops sell these special ladles and pieces of tin (usually in the shape of a horseshoe) that you then use over the stove. Once the tin melts you toss it into a bucket of water where it instantly freezes into various shapes. From these shapes you can supposedly predict what the new year will bring about.

Everybody agreed that my piece of tin came out undoubtedly looking like a sperm cell swimming in a sea of money. Either that or it's a snake, but I think a sperm cell promises a more exciting future for me.
Posted 21:35