Hidden thoughts and interests

Reflections
I think it's quite pointless to mention that I haven't felt much like writing in this blog for quite some time now. I am sure that fact is evident to everybody. The underlying reasons may be many, I don't know, but for some reason I have simply lost the desire to chronicle my thoughts and actions to the outside world. However, there is something that has been brooding in my mind for a few months now, constantly spinning in circles and never arriving anywhere. Perhaps by attempting to write about it, I can make more sense of it.

As I've probably written before, for quite some years now I've felt like my life has been lacking a direction. I have no career or a family, the two main things that adults are supposed to have. I've tried not to stress overly about it and tell myself that there are other ways to live ones life than the stereotypical mold that most fit in. Still, I've felt that I am doing something wrong.

Seemingly out of nowhere, the desire to go to England came about. People kept asking me about it, but I could never explain exactly why I wanted to go there. I had a strong sense of premonition, I could almost literally feel my destiny pulling at me and I was absolutely certain that the 'rest of my life' was neatly tucked away in Britain and just awaiting my arrival.

For the most part I had a good time in England. I certainly like the place. As for my life however, the country brought no answers. There were no lightning flashes or sudden revelations on how to live my life from there on. It was a magnificent experience and I am very glad that I did it, but otherwise I am just as clueless as previously. Actually even more so than before.

I have no idea what to do with my life. What is the purpose of this all? England was the shining beacon that was meant to guide me into the future, but now that it has failed, I find myself adrift at sea alone in the dark. Go back to some crappy job as a cleaner and that's it then until retirement and death all alone without a family?

I spent all of June in a kind of a coma. I slept for 9-10 hours every night, 2-3 hour naps during the day and the rest of the time on the couch staring at the tv like a vegetable. Things got better in July when the heat wave struck Finland as well and I was dragged off to the beach almost daily. It's hard to remain depressed when bouncing around in a warm ocean. The nagging thoughts still wouldn't let me be though. Should I go back to England? How would I organize everything, because this time I'd have no place to go to initially and I'd definately have to take the chinchillas with me. Was my destiny still hiding away there and I just needed to look deeper or is my life only whatever I myself make it out to be, whether I am in Finland or in Botswana? What exactly would be the life I'd wish for myself? Round and round again.

I have a small plan now. I've set myself a certain goal, if only to keep myself sane. I need something to look forward to, something to strive for. Little voices in my head keep telling me that I am only going to fail, but I refuse to listen. I haven't told my plan to a single person nor am I going to write about it here. I have a stupid superstition that if I voice my plan then it will be guaranteed to fail.

In the meanwhile I have started a new crappy job in a warehouse packing stuff. At least it pays better than cleaning did. I have no money so I had to take some job, while applying and praying for something better to come my way. My father lives abroad and has a perfectly fine apartment in Helsinki doing nothing, so I have decided to move all of my things there and put my own apartment up for rent instead. The government will steal 30% of the rent for themselves and I still have to pay for the monthly upkeep costs, but it'll still mean a little bit of extra money per month.

Slowly things are beginning to fall into place more. I'm still filled with anxieties and stress over the future, but at least there is some hope once again. And I was right. Writing all of this, as vague and insubstantial it may be, has still been a therapeutic experience. Hopefully I can eventually bring back the desire to write more, not only for this blog, but for the book I was supposed to have worked on this summer. You haven't seen the last of me yet.
Posted 12:58