Hidden thoughts and interests

Racism
Sometimes it feels like all matters of race and racial differences are a complete taboo, for fear that one who brings them up will instantly be labeled as a racist. Perhaps that will become my fate for what I am about to write.

I think I am a racist, to a certain degree, because I cannot be colourblind when it comes to people. The honest truth is that the first thing I notice about a non-white person is their skin colour. It registers on the mind automatically just like categorizing people into female and male upon first sight. However, the skin colour does not bring with it any negative associations. I do not think worse about a person simply on the basis of their colour.

The positive associations brought on only by a person's colour are just as bad though. These days you can see people of different cultures and races constantly on the streets of Helsinki, but when I was growing up things were very different. All throughout the twelve years of school there wasn't a single African or Asian kid in any class, anywhere in the many public schools that I went to. The first black person I spoke to in Finland was an English teacher at the university. I remember thinking how cool it was that I was really talking with an actual black person.

Finns are such a homogenous bunch that sometimes it's almost scary. We're just about all white, Lutheran and with same kinds of cultural values. As much as I try to force myself to simply see people as people, sometimes the novelty of something different gets the better of me. Lately I've seen a lot of teenager groups, all consisting of foreign looking kids, but much to my surprise they've all spoken perfect Finnish to each other. Those kids are not foreigners, as much as my brains first try to tell me so. Their parents may have been immigrants/refugees or the children were adopted from elsewhere, but they have lived all their lives here and are just as Finnish as I am.

I was flipping through the radio channels today when I stopped to listen at some interview. This woman, in perfect Finnish, was explaining how she's constantly being treated differently and how she has faced even racial hatred. Listening onwards I realized that this woman was apparently genetically of arabic descent, but has lived her entire life in Finland, knowing no other homeland. However, as she explained during the interview, when she goes to restaurants, shops and other everyday facilities, people often begin to automatically speak English to her. When she answers them in Finnish, everybody is astonished at how well she speaks the language, they ask her how long did it take for her to learn it, how has she enjoyed her stay in Finland, does she miss her home country and other such stupid questions. As she said herself, Finns just aren't ready yet for the idea that real, actual Finnish people could look different from the norm.

There is certainly racism in Finland. Some of it, regretfully, is of the openly hostile kind. The kind that flares up especially when people are drunk. Most of the racism is hidden however. Some of it is simply suspicion, fear of the unknown and unwillingness to adapt to new ways of life. We are our kind and whoever deviates from the norm should be avoided. These Finns would never harm foreigners (read: non-white people) or even say anything bad to them in person, but they still wish the foreigners (non-white) would simply disappear or at least that we wouldn't get any more of them to spoil our country. In the recent interview that I went to for my current job, the interviewer actually listed as one of the benefits of the company the fact that they are 100% Finnish, with no foreign (non-white) workers. Such discrimination is actually illegal and I was appalled, but I really needed the job. Money over conscience...

I'd love to lie and say that I am open and accepting of everything, of every culture, but the truth is that I am not. It makes me angry to see muslim women completely shrouded even here, it makes me angry knowing that they still secretly mutilate (aka circumcise) little girls even though it is illegal in Finland (not that I've ever understood the need for male circumcision either unless absolutely mandatory for health reasons). There are just so many things that I think are wrong and backwards in some cultures, hoping and praying that they would adopt the Finnish way of doing things instead. Does it make me a racist? I suppose so.
Posted 12:06

Nothing to say - again
Two night shifts done, three more to go. My life has been reduced to sleeping and working.
Posted 14:09

Reading stories
As the test result proved, I am a bookworm. As we all know, internet tests are 100% accurate. In this case the test actually was right.

I've always read a lot of books. As a child I lived mostly on Enid Blyton's works The famous five, The secret seven and The adventure series, as well as Agatha Christie's detective stories. (As a consequence I was always establishing my own detective agencies with my friends, imagining crime that we could solve). I also remember Susan Cooper's Dark is rising-series having made a big impact. Then of course there were the gazillion books which had something to do with horses. Still in my early twenties I read books from a fairly wide range of categories, but in the past few years it's been almost nothing but science-fiction and fantasy, with the occasional historical novels such as Jane Austens' works thrown into the mix.

Out of curiousity I counted my books recently and found out that I have 310 novels, as well as a number of guidebooks, comic books and several other written pieces. Given the choice whether to take movies, music or books to a stranded island, I'd definately pick books, without hesitation. The love for the written pieces came from my parents - I was always read stories to, trips to the library were a frequent family pasttime and my mother taught me to read. Over the years my parents accumulated some 1172 books (yes I counted them *pant*) that now reside in my father's apartment. It's always been my dream to one day have a large enough apartment where one room could be made into a library.

I've never really liked short stories though. I like to take a thick book and completely immerse myself into the world, live with the characters and share in their joys and sorrows. With short stories just as you are getting started, it's already over. However, there is one short story that I absolutely love. I don't know what it is about it, but something keeps me going back to read it again from time to time.

I know this really shouldn't be done and reading off of the screen isn't much fun either, but in case any of you would like to try, I hereby present Ursula K. Le Guin's story The Kerastion taken from a book called A fisherman of the Inland Sea. It's a sad story, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
Posted 12:58

Work
A friend of mine has a very cool t-shirt that says "Do I look like a #/&"&%# people person?". I thought about that shirt a lot last night as I got paired with a very annoying person. She babbled on and on, endlessly about some inane things, usually in a voice so quiet I could barely hear half of it. Even when I had my back turned towards her and I was walking away from her, she kept on talking. Sometimes she started to giggle suddenly about something she had just said and I had no clue. I just nodded my head and tried to smile politely as if I was really listening. Whenever I'd utter 'mmmm' in response, she'd take it as a sign that I didn't really hear her and she'd repeat herself. In the few rare instances that she actually stopped talking, she hummed instead. Above it all, she was really slow. I had to constantly wait for her everywhere. But other than the annoying work partner the night shift wasn't actually too bad.
Posted 08:37

Anti update
Today's entry will be to tell you that there will be no entry today. My work shift starts at midnight and goes on until 8 in the morning (ugh), so I'm going to try to sleep all day. Good thing I got that medication for my shoulder, those things work like sleeping pills.
Posted 12:41

Feeling guilty about the weather
For at least the past three weeks it hasn't rained a single drop in this part of the country. The temperature has persistently kept around 24-27C (75-80F) and people everywhere have been marvelling how exceptionally wonderful the weather has been this late in the summer. At the same time the news has been filled with heartwrenching stories and pictures of the rains and floods around middle Europe. Just as it looks like those are about over, it's China's turn to suffer from too much water. It seems like everybody else is getting the rains that we're supposed to be receiving by now. Sorry.
Posted 22:04

Poster
This is the one I bought.
Posted 15:30

Blog ownership
I'm copying Ignispati:

25 %

My weblog owns 25 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Book Worm Meter for Aurel

Shut In 71%

29% Out Of The House

Intellectual 95%

5% Moron

High Attention Span 95%

5% Low Attention Span

Bookitude 96%

4% Book Burner

Book Worm 89.25%

10.75% Bug Stomper

Take your bookworm readings.

Posted 10:12

Signs
I wonder if I stumbled onto an omen yesterday. For a long time now I have comtemplated writing a novel, or well try to write one. I have the beginning and ending all figured out already, the middle would happen as I write along. Yesterday while browsing through some shops on a longer lunch break I came across a poster that could have been drawn directly from the ending of my book. It was just so accurate. I stared at it speechlessly for a good while, before deciding that I must buy the poster even though I really can't afford such silly things right now. Perhaps staring at it will inspire me to finally start writing.
Posted 20:57

Online friendships, part 2
I've been sitting here for a while now, trying to think of what to write, in regards to the post I made two days ago and how it was received by others. Despite my good intentions it seems I ended up hurting at least one person's feelings. I feel awful about that. I know all the yadda yadda about being my blog, writing what I want blah blah, but I still don't want to hurt anybody with what I write, not on a personal level. Arguing about opinions is a different matter.

I didn't mean for my post to come out like 'boohoo I have no friends' or that 'everybody else is friends, but they won't play with me'. It was merely about the observation that I do see very close connections being made in a relatively short time and I wonder how people manage to do that. I know of at least two people from different countries who were both keeping a diary, started reading each other and ended up getting married. That is so astonishing. How do people take the step from being just a casual reader of someone's journal into being their loved one instead?

There's this group of people in real life that I know, in a way. We always meet at parties, we talk a lot and laugh, we drink and dance together and generally have a really good time, but I still wouldn't call them my friends though. I don't know most of their last names, I don't have their phone numbers, I never meet them under other circumstances. They get categorized into the 'people I hang out with occasionally'.

It's really just a question of definitions. I reserve the term 'friend' to include only those people that some might call their 'best friends', the ones you'd do anything in this world for, the ones with whom you can discuss anything possible from masturbation frequency to animal rights. There are quite a few topics which I wouldn't want to discuss with any of you, simply because I don't know you well enough yet. I want to start out on the smaller things and work my way up to the heavier stuff as the relationship grows.

But just because I choose not to use the word 'friend' does not mean you don't mean anything either. I know a lot more about most of you than I know about the people I party with. There is certainly a connection here and I feel priviledged in getting a glimpse at your life, but as has been written by many before me as well: a journal is not the whole life. It only represents one part of a life, the one that the writer chooses to reveal. For better understanding of a person I don't think just reading a journal is enough.

I don't know if I managed to make any more sense of the matter or simply make things worse. I've been working on this post, deleting, rewriting etc for the past 2 hours and I must run off to work right now.
Posted 11:24

X-men 2
Another movie I can't wait to see. The first trailer has been released.
Posted 10:36

My day
Woke up at an ungodly hour. Went to a physical therapy session, where I nearly fainted. Back home to eat breakfast and get my stuff ready. Off to work. Worked eight hours in sweltering heat sweating like a pig. Crawled back home, feet completely busted. Watched a taped episode of Sapphire and Steel (I am so addicted to it again). Ate a bowl of cereal, because I am too tired to cook dinner right now. Next plan is to stare at the tv numb for about an hour before going to bed.

I have some things I want to comment on yesterday's lengthy post and the comments it received, but it'll have to wait.
Posted 20:55

Online friendships
One of the topics found at Topics blog was this: "How important are your online friends to you? Can you live without them? Why or why not?" Somehow my reply turned out quite long:

I don't mean to offend anybody now, but I'm not sure if I have any online friends. Acquaintances surely, but friends? There are certainly people out there, such as the people who read my blog and whose diaries/blogs I read, with whom I feel a certain kind of a connection. Those people are not just faceless strangers anymore in the vast crowd called the internet and the more we read/comment on each other, the better the odd relationship grows. I still wouldn't classify that as friendship though.

I think the term 'friend' is tossed around too freely anyways. To me it means a lot more. Friends are the people who you really talk with, who you can tell stuff to, who'll listen to you, who'll support you no matter what. Friends are the people who know you and there isn't anybody I've just met online who'd really know me. None of you even know my real first name. No, it's not Essi as my e-mail address might suggest, although that is a Finnish women's name too.

I was a lot more open on the net in the beginning, years ago. Even then I was very private about my personal information - just revealing my country of origin took quite a while. But I was more open to getting to know people and letting people get to know me. It's been a long and hard road of disappointments though. I've learned that most online friendships really aren't friendships at all. Even if you might chat with somebody every single day, the moment you stop showing up they forget about you. There might be the occasional 'Yuhuu, where are you?', but those cease very quickly. You cannot have true friendships with people who don't really know each other.

A lot of this is just me though. I'm seeing online friendships forming around me, such as SPB's, Nige's and Vanessa's. Something that I am jealous about, to be honest. As is often the case in real life, I usually find myself the outsider online as well. Perhaps real online friends are to be had, but I simply lack the skills to do so.

I'm still a private person, especially online that is filled with lunatics and strangers. I don't feel comfortable sharing too many details about myself to somebody I don't know at all. Might sound odd coming from a person keeping a blog, but when it really comes down to it, I have only revealed so little of myself. So much I have left unwritten, because it isn't for the world to know. What I write here are the most safest thoughts. Things are progressing though, hard to say whether for the good or bad, but I have already written things which I thought I'd never share.

What I really long for sometimes is the kind of relationship that was depicted in the movie You've got mail, where the two people had decided not to get into personal details, no specifics, but rather discuss only their thoughts and observations. It'd be even greater if that other person was interested in the same things I am, such as matters of science-fiction, fantasy and computer games. I have nobody in real life to talk with about those, but I truly dislike partaking in any kinds of chats, because the first question there seems to be always a/s/l (age/sex/location) and I seriously think those kinds of details and questions should come only later. What does it matter how old or what gender I am if we are to talk about Star Wars? Is the whole internet nothing but a place to have cybersex in? As nice as some of you readers may be, I have absolutely no interest to jump right into a discussion about my sex life with any of you.

I absolutely love when people leave comments or guestbook entries. If I write about something painful, it's great to get encouragement. If I write about my thoughts, it's great to get feedback, to hear how other people think about the same thing. I'm always interested in seeing the same thing from many sides. Comments don't make a very good medium for real discussion though, a real venue where to get to know people. At least not for me. Nobody seems to want to send me e-mail either. I see all these people around me talking of mailing each other or talking on icq and what not and I myself wondering how do they do it? How did they make such a connection so fast and here I am with no hope of anything.

I know the answer lies in letting go, opening up and trusting again, but I can't do that. I can't do that until I know the person better and I will never get to know the person better until I do it. It's a nice little cycle to get trapped in. Perhaps the true answer lies simply in real life, the one off-line. I have wasted so much of my time already online that now is real life's turn once again.
Posted 15:54

Watching tv and movies
One of the best things about this new apartment is that thanks to the cable there's a few additional channels to watch. One of them shows reruns of a few old shows. I've been enjoying watching Sapphire and Steel, an old English sci-fi oriented series. I haven't actually seen many of the episodes before, because my parents never allowed me to. They never let me watch Charlie's Angels either for which I was quite bitter, because all my friends could and they always talked about the episodes.

I don't really understand parents these days who let their kids watch just about anything. Well, oddly enough, the kids can't watch anything with nudity, sex or heavy kissing in it, but all kinds of violence seems to be just fine. Five year old kids are watching Aliens and Nightmare on Elm street and what not and it's considered to be perfectly normal. The arguments I hear from such parents is that they know what is best for their own kid, they know what their kid can and cannot handle and how their kid is never scared, but actually likes those kinds of movies a lot. Doesn't it bother the parents though that such young children are ok with watching so much violence and terror? I'd be seriously concerned if my child thought it was fun to watch people get blown up and murdered. Perhaps their kids really can handle stuff like that, but I still think they shouldn't have to, nor be allowed to. Young children do not need to become desensitized to violence so early. I have no children of my own though, so what do I know...
Posted 21:27

Missed chances
I'm not usually one of those people who 'don't know what you got until you lose it'. I am aware of and grateful about many things already - sometimes I might just stare at my hands for example and think how great it is that I have both of them. Things like that.

What I am very guilty of though is wasting time. I have wasted months and months doing absolutely nothing. Days just rolled by unnoticed and there was always more time tomorrow. Today I really wished I could get back some of that time. How could I have been so stupid to waste so much?

I have a shoulder injury. It's been there now for 1.5 years. Every single day it has reminded me of its existance. Sometimes with pain so bad I just want to cry. Somedays it's tolerable, but I can always still feel it there. It started out as the normal shoulder-neck ache that I might get sometimes, except this time it never went away. It's just one general area on the right side, at the place where the shoulder ends and the neck begins.

All university students get free medical care, dentists, x-rays, whatever else you might need. Last November I went to see a doctor there about my shoulder. She sent me off to physical therapy for a few times, which eased the pain slightly for a while. After that the shoulder kept getting worse gradually. I tried massagers, I tried body-building, nothing worked. What I should have done, except sit at home and waste my time, is go to the doctor again!

I finally decided in June that I should see the doctor again. Due to vacations and things the first available time I got was in August, today. I went there, she was extremely helpful, very friendly and professional and explained a lot of things about my shoulder and since the problem had persisted for so long, decided to put me on a 3-month program that'd involve daily medicins and a lot of physical therapy. She also said that later on I should use their special gym where especially trained therapists can help me do just the right exercises. It all sounded so great, finally some light at the end of the tunnel.

The problem is however that I resigned from the university. My right to use their free medical care ends in August. The reason why I resigned was so that I could get unemployment benefit. After resigning I hear it's going to take 5 months though, so having known that sooner I would have never resigned. It's too late now though. Once you resign, they won't let you enroll until next year, fall of 2003 in this case. So, pardon my english, but everything's all fucked up.

I could certainly go to a regular doctor and a regular physical therapist to do the same things, but that's going to cost a lot. Every single visit is going to cost something. I don't get paid a whole lot just cleaning. My next payday isn't till September 10th, so I am definately broke until then at least.

Aaaaaaarghhh! Why oh why did I waste all those months last spring and never did anything? I'm trying hard not to think about the whole uni resign/unemployment fiasco, because that'll just make me really mad. It really is just my own fault, I'm the one who did nothing. I just never saw myself as resigning, I thought I had all the time in the world, as they say. I need to stop thinking about this, because it's just making me feel like banging my head against the wall as punishment.
Posted 20:43

Nudes
I always miss out on everything. Apparently Spencer Tunick, the man specialized in taking pictures of naked people in public, is currently in Finland and last night took photos of 2000 naked Finns right in downtown. I doubt that I would have participated, but I would have wanted to see that. The article at Iltalehti (unfortunately must register to see it and it's in Finnish anyhow) writes towards the end (translated by me): "The artist orders the men for another groupshot at the Esplanade park, but the women can run to put on their clothes. Hundreds of naked women run past a policecar. Never before has Helsinki police officers been seen as happy as then."
Posted 15:23

Building my fortunes
The empty bottles and cans gave me $34,55. Not bad. Paid for my groceries for a while.
Posted 14:44

Searches
Somebody looked me up from 'can people with asthma be allergic to chinchilla sand'. I hope they found some kind of an answer (people should learn to make better queries though). I have asthma (improving, but still lingering a bit) and allergic to animals, but chinchillas give me no reactions nor do their sand. Chinchillas bathe in very fine sand that flies all over the place when they roll in it. Somebody actually took a short video with their digital camera of my chinchillas bathing, but despite months of begging I haven't been able to get them to send me a copy *mutter*.
Posted 22:11

A break at last
Saturday and Sunday ended up being quite easy on the job. Nothing compared to Friday, which was real hell. The best thing about Sundays is that one gets double pay! The second best thing is that now I have Monday and Tuesday off. I can actually do other things than just go between home and work. Feels like I've already been working ages, instead of just four days.

My job consists of collecting garbage, including all the empty bottles that people leave behind. During the past four days I've collected quite a few. It'll be interesting to see how much they're all worth tomorrow when I take them to the store. I'll make an update about that later, so I won't keep you all in suspense for too long, he he. Yep, it's definately time for bed soon.
Posted 21:57

Tired and busy
No time to write today. I barely get enough time to check up on people's blogs/diaries right now. Two days of work and I am already so exhausted. Last night was very taxing and my back and legs are starting to tell me that I need more time to recuperate than just one nights sleep and a couple hours before heading back to work. Must think of money.
Posted 09:28

Editorial
Pelit (translated Games) is, according to their own words, Finland's largest gaming magazine. I really like the fact that their chief editor is a woman, but it's a good magazine in other respects as well. Anyhow, in the latest issue there's an excellent editorial written by Kaizu (Kaj Laaksonen) about Americans, entertainment and games in America and how different it is from us. Unfortunately it's all in Finnish though, but here's a few highlights translated by me. I agree with quite a lot of what he wrote, but I don't think Americans are all idiots and that's why they need ridiculous warning labels everywhere, but rather the judges who gave loads of money to people for stupid reasons are at blame here. If you can get millions just by spilling some coffee on yourself, of course people are going to get greedy and very nitpicky about warning labels to find a loophole to exploit. Judges saying that absence of stupid warning labels is a very bad thing also leads to the assumption that one does not need to be responsible for their own actions anymore. Anyhow, here's the editorial though:

North America is the world's largest uniform marketting area. While in Europe you will find several languages, laws, standards and distribution methods, in America everything operates in the same way. This naturally leads to most games being made with the American audience in mind. Everything is labled by easiness. People are not assumed to think for themselves, everything is chewed ready and documented in such a fashion that even the dumbest person can make no errors.

Standing in an escalator may be a trivial matter to us, but in America the loudspeakers constantly tell you where you can stand, how, where not to hold onto etc. Every single item has warnings on it. For example the paintball-gun that I purchased came with a tag that said putting a loaded gun into my mouth could be hazardous to my health. No shit.

Avoiding challenges and minimizing own judgement can easily be witnessed in the motto how the gamer is not to be discouraged. Games begin ridiculously easy, tutorials go through even the most basic things. This leads to games where you really don't have to do anything at all, except press a button and keep it pressed down. No need to think, no need to aim a gun, no distractions along the way or anything that would force the gamer to stop for a minute to think what to do next.

I have always wondered why game themes are not taken from history, but always from the same fantasy cliches. I don't wonder anymore. Americans' geography and history are limited to their own continent and only about 100 years into the past. When you have no history of your own, you invent it. Americans' idea of medieval ages comes from AD&D, Eddings and Salvatore.

Judging all Americans as uncivilized airheads is not fair, of course. It is a fact that heavy strategy games and simulators are by far more popular across the pond and most of the games are never even brought to Europe. Perhaps this is due to the huge market, where it becomes profitable to make specialized games even to a small minority.

Consumer is the king. Shopping is absolutely the most common hobby in USA and vast shopping complexes by the freeways serve the same purpose as markets and shopping streets do for us. Shopping is a religion and a citizens' right. And they do buy, but at the same time know their own rights. So much is offered that it would be foolish to anger the consumer. It is common practice in gaming stores that you can return a game even if you just didn't like it too much. That will hardly ever become possible in Finland. Piracy is far less common in the States than in Europe.

By far the biggest difference is the general attitude to gaming. We Finns are at least subconsciously oppressed by the Lutheran melancholy, according to which one must earn their bread with sweat and pain. Everything fun is automatically suspicious. Jealousy begins to gnaw the mind if it looks like your neighbour is having a good time. Even the slighest bit of fun must be earned somehow and even then it's better to be cautious, because too much fun will only cause problems.

Gaming is a little children's passing phase, and under no circumstances can it be a hobby. People who earn their living through entertainment are suspicious and unreliable weirdos, who should in the name of general well-being get themselves a real job. Adults can never admit to playing and the habit must be weaned out of youngsters as early as possible.

Things are different on the other side. For Americans having fun, or at least pretending, is expected of each citizen. It simply won't do to show a gloomy face. The difference in the mentality can be seen everywhere. If you happen to sit at a restaurant alone, the waiter comes by constantly asking if you're sure everything is ok. You better say you're doing fine.

Americans are used to spending all their freetime and money being entertained. As well as going to the movies and watching TV endlessly, every single town has at least one amusement park. One simply cannot have any empty moments.

As a result of the entertainment industry Americans don't judge gaming the same way we do. Gamers' average age is almost 10 years older than here, and apart from a few politicians, nobody cares to think whether gaming is beneficial or dangerous. Gaming is allowed for everybody regardless of age and size.

Although Americans' superficial and uncivilized manner sometimes infuriates, their attitude to games makes me jealous. I can't think of any way how to make Finns believe that gaming isn't anything more than just one branch of the entertainment industry and that it's here to stay. Perhaps the attitude change won't happen until the new gaming generation gets into positions of power. Until then I guess I will just have to stand the stupid people wondering about how a grown man can make his living through games.
Posted 10:41

Pickup lines
(Lick finger and wipe on his shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest man on earth tonight

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Posted 14:38

Drool
I received the issue #3 of the Lord of the Rings Fan Club magazine the other day. Yes, I am a member. I am not ashamed to admit this geeky side of me *smirk*. The cover of the magazine just blew me away - such a great photo of Boromir (Oh my god how handsome and sexy he looks!). Thanks to the nifty scanner it now serves as a wallpaper for my desktop. And thanks to the same scanner you too can now enjoy and drool over the picture as well.
Posted 12:13

Hurray
I got myself a job! Amazing! Miracles do happen sometimes. It's going to be just cleaning, but it'll pay. Right now that's my first priority. My first day of work is... today! I have a few hours to spare now and then I'll be working sometime till midnight. I hope I'll be up to this, the job is going to be demanding physically. I'll just concentrate on thinking about money.
Posted 12:00

Wish me luck
Please, please, please, oh pretty please, I beg and plead, let me get the job. It's off to another interview I go...
Posted 08:28

Seeking Estonians
I went over to diarist.net to look for Estonian diary keepers and much to my disappointment found none listed. Damn. I've always wanted to ask an Estonian if they find the Finnish language to be as hilarious as we find Estonian to be. The two languages are very closely related - listening to Estonian is like listening to somebody speaking Finnish very badly, but in a very funny way. Think Jar Jar Binks and english, but not annoying in the least. A lot of the words in the two languages are the same, but with completely different meanings. The Finnish word kallio means rock, but in Estonian it means bald. Paha means evil in Finnish, but discipline in Estonian and things like that. With a lot of the words it's just like Finnish, but the Estonians just take out the last few letters, change a vowel here and there or add in a couple of extra letters etc.

I couldn't imagine trying to learn the other language, it'd just get too confusing, but a lot of Estonians known Finnish. Many from a time when Estonia was still part of Soviet Union and their only real link to the outside world was spying on Finnish television and radio that reached across the sea.

Another weird thing about the Estonians is their national anthem. It's the exact same tune as the Finnish national anthem, but with just different words.

I imagine most Estonians don't think too highly of Finns though. The boatride across takes 2-4 hours and it's very common for Finns to go spend a day in Tallinn, Estonia's capital. The main purpose of the trip is just to drink as much as you can, because you simply can't have fun unless you're crawling in your own vomit. So the completely drunk, obnoxious, loud Finns (only when drunk) go terrorize the poor city for a few hours every single day. They flock to the markets where you can get all manner of pirate copies of music, movies and games for very cheap. Elderly people usually buy loads of food. Some people actually go to the doctor, dentist etc on their Estonia trip as well, because everything is just so much cheaper and the round-trip itself is usually around $10 only.

Ahh, Diaryland has a list of Estonian diaries. I'll have to terrorize them all soon.
Posted 20:27

Unexpected friendliness
The suspicion that all the other tenants in this building have been possessed by aliens got further proof today. As I entered into the hallway another person came in from the other end and we met by the elevator. I nodded and said hello, as usual, but then when we were already in the elevator she suddenly turned towards me and said "So, are you his daughter then?" -Uuuuhhh, yeah... "I noticed that you have same kinds of features" and then blah blah about the whole thing when have I moved in, how long am I staying etc.

I don't mind, at all. I think it's great that people in this building actually talk to each other, but it was just so unexpected. I would have thought to find this kind of friendliness at my own building that is very small and where it'd be theoretically possible to know all your neighbours, but there you're lucky to even get a hello from the others. Most times when you pass by somebody in the hallway, they avert their eyes and quickly rush past you without any form of greeting even.

Not so here. Every single person I have now met has actually spoken to me, more than the polite hello. This building is a part of the ugliest cluster of houses in all of Helsinki, completely concrete grey monsters of 8-14 floors high. In one direction you can see the sea, which is the only good part about this place, but in every other direction this housing district is surrounded by industrial buildings. I suppose it's the ugliness of the surroundings that makes people reach out to each other more.
Posted 11:53

Work, work, my kingdom for work
The job hunt continues. I never had any idea just how hard this would be. Ever since I was 18 and up until about 1.5 years ago I worked constantly, had a steady job and tried to do other things, such as studying, on the side. I saved enough money to quit my job and dedicate myself fully to studies. Now that I am out of money and for the first time in my life really looking for work, it's nowhere to be found. I'm not picky. I have enlisted at a couple of temp agencies. I have called cleaning firms lately, to see if I could scrub offices or some such. With zero income I am ready to take anything at all.

I think the first problem was that I told everybody I was only looking for temporary work. There's one job that I am hoping to begin October 1st, but I won't know about that one for a while yet and it's by far not certain that I'll even get it. At first I tried to look for work that specified that they only want somebody for 1-2 months, but apparently even with temporary jobs they want to have the possibility of keeping you longer. So now I've begun the process of lying and telling everybody that I definately want to find permanent work.

My second problem is probably overqualification. My last job was 7 years as a programmer in a software firm. Most people probably think that I'll end up having serious motivational problems as just a cleaner and won't be doing it for long, so they won't bother hiring me at all. Well, technically, they are right. I absolutely abhor cleaning of any kind, I'd certainly be doing the job just for the money and I might end up quitting at the end of September anyhow, but I'd still do my best as long as I was there. Just from gratitude at finally getting paid.

Thirdly, maybe I'm just ugly, fat and smell bad.

Btw, something interesting that I've noticed about the cleaning jobs... Every single one of them lists excellent spoken and written Finnish as their mandatory requirement. Just how much Finnish do you need to operate a mop? All the requirement really says is that they don't want any Somalians working there, because I know the firms have quite a lot of Russian immigrants. Somalis are the biggest group of refugees in Finland. Most Finns grumble about them, because they seem to make no effort whatsoever to blend into the society. They keep to their own groups, don't learn Finnish and don't even work, as opposed to the Turks, Asians etc which seem to put up restaurants and pizzerias at every corner. Most Finns grumble and say that the Somalis should get jobs as cleaners if nothing else. Everybody's always saying how there's a shortage of cleaners. Well, it's been interesting to note that even that route has been barred from them due to some fake technicality about language. The whole thing reminds me of personal ads, where people disguise their true meaning when searching for somebody, such as 'athletic' really being a codeword for 'thin'.

Time to call a few agencies again...
Posted 12:11

Life sucks and so do I
Life totally sucks today. Since I haven't had any luck getting a job and I am running out of money fast, after long and hard pondering I decided to admit my defeat and become full-time unemployed. Up until now I've actually been officially a student at the university. Studies haven't been going too well and in any case I just can't afford to be a student anymore, because I can't get student aid anymore either. Still, I always had the dream of one day actually getting the degree.

Today I marched into the unemployment agency and enlisted there. I filled out the multiple forms and had a little interview with somebody there. She told me I can't get unemployment benefit as long as I am enlisted at the university. I knew that and told her that my next stop would be the uni to tell them that I am taking (at least) a year off. So then I went to the university and called it quits, making myself feel like a big fat failure who hasn't amounted to anything at all in this world. It was a hard and depressing moment, but worse was to come.

With a paper from the uni telling that I no longer study there I went back to the unemployment agency to drop off the document. There the nice people told me that due to rule X and law Y (blah blah bureaucractic bullshit) I cannot apply for unemployment money for the next 5 months. 5 MONTHS!!! I am not getting a single penny from anywhere at all for the next 5 months. I asked them just how the hell am I supposed to live during that time and they just shrugged their shoulders.

So now I am a worthless loser who couldn't finish her studies, can't get a job and completely broke. How did this happen? I don't know what to do.
Posted 15:50

Observations
Two people have already asked me, out of the blue, by the elevator, if I have lived here long. Unfortunately no hunky guys trying to pick me up, but rather an 80ish man walking his dog and now a woman in her 60s. That is so weird. We Finns just don't talk to strangers! This building has clearly been abducted by aliens and actually resides in another dimension.

Last night it felt like I was firmly on Finnish soil on a typical summer Saturday though. There was a party in the building right across from mine. Lots of people and noise. There were a couple of parties and some drunken people on the streets on the opposite side of the building as well. For a moment things got a bit quieter so I peeked out the window and noticed a police car down below. After a while when the music got louder again I noticed the police had also left. Luckily I can sleep through just about anything.

The strangest thing happened today though as I was once again swimming in the lake with my mother. All of a sudden she let out a curseword (she never curses), stammered 'snake' and began to frantically swim ashore. Sure enough, right in front of us was a snake, also having a swim. You could only see its head above the water as it glided past us. After the initial shock I thought it was quite cool. This was the first snake I've ever seen in the wild here. There's only two snake species in Finland, one of them poisonous and even that one not deadly unless you're a small child or allergic. This particular snake was the completely harmless one, so there really was no danger at all. Wonder if my mother will swim again this summer though...

Tomorrow is Monday again, the lovely weekend over and I will once again have to resume my hunt for a job.
Posted 22:27

Slowed down
What really bothers me the most about my current modem-only connection is the fact that I managed to download Earth & Beyond where I was going to be a beta tester and Asheron's call before losing ADSL. Now with just a modem though I don't think I can play either game. Blah.
Posted 13:52

Same story
Organizing things, wiping dust, vacuuming, washing the floor, scrubbing the carpet... it never ends. I still haven't even started with bathroom and kitchen even. Those are by far the yuckiest. I can only do so much at once before taking a break. Soon I'm off for most of the day anyhow. Need to enjoy the last days of summer to the fullest! I've been online so little this past week that I feel completely out of the loop. I've barely had time or energy to browse through other people's blogs/diaries, let alone update mine with better entries.
Posted 13:46

Fast as a snail
Btw, my new "wonderful" modem connection comes courtesy of mtv3 for those who might wonder.
Posted 20:09

Adapting
I am slowly adjusting to the new place and the apartment is gradually starting to feel like an actual home. There's so much to do though. There are large plastic bags here and there filled with various items of mine and the apartment is just outright filthy in general. It's funny how all the dirt never bothered me at home, but here when it's somebody elses dirt I can't stand it. I cleaned out the desk today and set up my computer (I set up the computer before even touching the kitchen - funny priorities huh) and the desk was riddled with ashes from cigarettes. My dad... Luckily it's been really warm lately so I've been able to keep all the windows wide open constantly.

Everything is so new and feels like a wonder. Sometimes I just sit in a chair and gaze outside, marvelling at the different view. It feels like as if I had never moved before. Right now I can see a hot-air balloon leisurely floating in the sky and I wonder who's riding in it. One day I want to go on one of those.

Last evening was very strange. I forgot the dvd remote at... I was going to write 'home' but it's not my home anymore, so I'm not sure what to call the place anymore... Anyway, I forgot the remote there and wanted to go get it so I could finally watch the LOTR dvd. I went to the door, rang the doorbell and waited to be let in. The new occupant had already rearranged quite a few things and he also had another guest over. It was so strange. I grabbed a few things, but I really didn't want to stay. Moving was my decision and everything will be alright, but it still feels like I was driven out of my own home, because I don't feel at home anywhere yet.

Oh, now there's two more balloons in the sky. They glide so gracefully. The sun reflects so brightly from a window in the opposing building that I can barely look outside though. I imagine I'm not making a whole lot of sense at the moment. It's been a strange couple of days.
Posted 19:56

The cutest cat in the world
Here's the two pictures I received in the mail the other day from my cat's new owner along with the comments she wrote in the back. Click on the links... Anybody know of any free place where I could store pictures for direct linking? I have access to a scanner now so could torture everybody with even more pics.

"Busy Bea" likes to participate in everything even when it's not necessary.

Nelli solved the problem this way as she wanted to sleep with the dog, but the dog didn't much care for it.
Posted 13:37

Lucky
Today was a rather warm day. After running around and carrying more stuff from one place to another I was sweating like a pig and decided to call my mother and ask her if I could go over to swim in their lake. As I then lolled about in the blissfully refreshing water it really hit me just how lucky and priviledged I am. My current "problems" consist of having to move to another, perfectly fine and furnished, apartment and perhaps taking a job as a cleaner. I am so lucky that I have another place to go to at all and that my father will allow me to live there while he continues to pay for all the expenses. I am so lucky that if I can't get a job even as a cleaner for now, I can always enlist officially as an unemployed and begin to receive unemployment benefit. I am so lucky that my mother lives closeby and I am always welcome to stay there. When I really stop to think about it, there are so many things I can be and am happy about.

Apart from the computer and a few random items here and there I am done moving. Tomorrow will be exciting and new. I am going to think positive now.
Posted 17:48

Emptier house
The chinchillas moved today. It was quite an excitement for them. I never could have expected how empty and quiet my apartment feels like now though. There's the empty spot where the cage used to be and the absence of the constant little noises of them moving about. Might sound silly, but they have been here every single day for the past 5 years so now it definately feels like something is different.

The highlight of the day came in the mail. Out of the blue the new owner of my cat sent two pictures of her, looking as cute as ever. I do miss her a great deal, but I am so glad she has a really good home now.

I bought the LOTR dvd today, but I am trying to save watching it till Friday, which is now my official moving date. I know I'll feel a bit sad and out of place when I'll be at the new place, so I am savoring LOTR to cheer me up then.
Posted 20:52

Winds of change
It's hard to imagine that only a few days ago I was sitting happily at home for hours on end playing a game and now suddenly I am in the midst of moving out of my apartment. Well, not completely. All of my furniture, dishes, tv, books and other items will be left here, while I go elsewhere to live for a few months and somebody else will be here with all my things, sleeping in my bed, watching my tv and eating off of my dishes. If I ever come to visit it'll be so strange to be a guest in my own home.

I have a friend who is practically homeless, because he just returned from abroad. I have some future plans which would, if they work out, leave my apartment empty for a few months, so I offered my place to him for a while. Everything just went so fast suddenly. Things went from an accepted offer to nothing for a few weeks until the other day he just showed up at my door with a huge suitcase. My fault really for never discussing or agreeing on a specified date when he could move in. I sent him off to live at a friends place for now, because I couldn't concentrate on packing and organizing my stuff with somebody else constantly here. By the end of the week I'll be out of here though...

I'm moving to my father's apartment, which is fully furnished, but empty right now. The major downside to the place is that he has smoked inside and the place reeks. Goodbye ADSL-line and hello to modem usage again as well. I also wont have a place for my car anymore. You have to pay to reserve a specific spot over there and it's far too costly. My plan is to keep an eye on spots that are always empty and put my car there eventually as if the spot was mine. Hello to parking tickets, I imagine. Why move at all then? Well, the advantages to this all is that I won't be paying any apartment monthly fees now nor phone bills. My monetary situation is seriously so bad right now that I really have no other choice.

While I am getting ready to move, another good friend is making preparations to move abroad. We've been hanging together all day and going for drinks soon. Tomorrow morning I'll be going over to help her pack the rest of her stuff and then she's off... It's going to be very hard. In the midst of everything I am also desperately trying to find myself a job, any job. I even applied to pack some boxes at a warehouse, but apparently I can't even get work like that. I'm so bad at interviews or I smell bad, I don't know.

I haven't been this stressed in a very long time.
Posted 18:08

Gurgle
Today's been an exceptionally busy day google-wise:

sleeping gay men in socks photos
drinking hidden fountain
pictures of Rhiana Griffith (somebody should make more webpages about her, I get googled about Rhiana constantly)
sauna calvin hobbes
Wil Wheaton in underwear picture

People can be so weird.
Posted 19:38

Tip of the day
Animal shelters (well at least the one around here) like to accept all kinds of old clothing that they use then for rags and bedding for the animals. I donated a whole bunch of old worn-out t-shirts today.
Posted 19:30

Yay for us
The American that recently visited voted Finns the coolest, most caring and nicest bunch of people out of any country he's visited. He thought our arch-nemesis Sweden was a cooler country in general though, so I'm not sure if I should be happy or offended. He he hee.
Posted 17:35

Head of hair
Somebody found me from 'shaved head female'. I'd just like to say here that I do have hair on my head, plain old brown coloured. I've often wondered though what it'd be like to shave it all off, but people stare at me enough as it is. While a lot of women in Finland prefer short hair there's very few bald ones though.
Posted 00:16

Been busy
It's been a fun, action filled weekend. On Saturday I set up and had a party in my apartment, from which we all went out to an interesting club. Today we were at the beach and then hanging out at a friends place until now. I am so ready for some rest, but I won't get be getting much of it in the next few days for reasons that I'll get into tomorrow. Sometimes I really like my life though - there's just the right mixture of solitude and social life. I might do nothing but play a computer game for three days in a row, but then other things come up and suddenly I am surrounded by a group of people and partying.

About the club on Saturday... One part of it was called the Finnish pub and all they played was Finnish music. Not just pop music, but all kinds of classic old Finnish tunes usually listened to by the middle-aged (imagine like My Way by Frank Sinatra but with a little bit more beat) and people were having a blast. The tiny pub was packed, people were dancing on the chairs and tables and singing loudly along to every song. Often they'd mute half of the song and people just sang even louder. It was so funny seeing and listening to all the 20 and 30-somethings dancing away to music like that and singing the corny lyrics. Wish I had known of the place sooner and would have dragged the American there for a little shock *smirk*

It's definately time for bed now though.
Posted 23:14

Apartment living trivia
In Finland living in an apartment building is quite usual. Contrary to USA, at least, getting married and buying a real house isn't seen as the ultimate goal. Many people, along with their children, live in an apartment all their lives and that is normal. Of course the more towards the countryside you go, the more people shift into farms and houses, but still even in the smallest towns you can usually find apartment buildings right at the center. While 76% of the country is forest and vast areas of the land in the north are just wilderness, meaning there'd certainly be enough room to allow us to spread around more, most of the population is crammed into the south. Even with all the apartment buildings around Helsinki, they are starting to run out of room to build more... well, sort of.

Not too long ago the city of Helsinki made a decision that they are going to put a halt into new apartment building once the city's living capacity has reached 600000. Currently the city's population is around 560000. Compared to most of the cities in the world that is laughably small and we have no business talking about being crammed, but we just like to have some space and forests even in the capital. There is even a quite large nature reserve in the city where all building is absolutely forbidden. The neighbouring city to the west, Espoo, is Finland's 2nd biggest. The neighbouring city Vantaa to the north and east is 4th biggest. The 3rd and 5th biggest cities are both 2 hours away. A lot of the people working in Helsinki are now starting to move into Espoo and Vantaa, because the majority of those cities is still forest and only within a half hour drive from downtown Helsinki you can get a much cheaper apartment or even a house and live in relative peace.

I live in a fairly small apartment building in Helsinki. There are only 20 apartments, divided into 4 floors. Some of the apartments are 1-room, some are 2-room like mine (kitchens don't count). When I bought the apartment I actually bought shares (like at the stockmarket) of the house. This is the most common way how apartments work in Finland (houses are a different matter). There is no landlord, the tenants mutually own the building. I own shares in relation to how big my apartment is compared to the others'. The piece of land that the house stands on is on rent from the city of Helsinki. Our little housing "corporation" has a government of sorts, consisting of 3 tenants who take care of business and make decisions on what to do. Then there is an outsider superintendent whose job is to do as the government says.

Even though I own the apartment completely, I still have to pay a monthly fee of about $135. The amount I pay is in relation to how big my apartment is. Every building sets its own monthly fees, based on what kinds of expenses it has. $10 of my monthly fee pays for my water usage, no matter how much or how little I actually use water per month. Electricity I pay for separately to the company that provides it. The $125 per month is spent on doing repairs, paying the rent on the land, paying the superintendent, paying somebody to come clean the hallway once in a while and in the winter time to shovel the snow away etc. Some buildings have their own janitor/handyman who handles a lot of these things and gets paid for it, but our house is so small that it's not worth it. If my plumbing were to break, for example, I'd call the superintendent and he'd organize for somebody to come fix it and the plumber would be paid from the mutual fund.

Along the year random pamphlets might be distributed telling what's been done, but then at least once a year every apartment gets a detailed, thick report on what the government has been up to and where all the money has been spent. Also once a year there's a meeting for all the tenants where the superintendent is present as well. At the meeting the report is discussed, people for the government for the next year elected and grand-scale decisions made. For example one year there were a lot of plans to fix and redo various parts of the building - putting in new thermostats in every apartment, painting all of the hallway and the outside door, fixing the railing and I forget what else. What it meant though was that there wasn't enough money for all of that. It was discussed at the meeting whether all of those fixes needed to be done now or could some of them be delayed to another year. Since this is an old building it was decided that all those fixes were long overdue and in order to get the money it was also decided that for a year every apartment would have to pay double the monthly fee. Decisions like these are voted on. Every apartment, regardless of size or how many people live in it, only receives 1 vote. If the majority decide that something is to be done then all tenants are forced to abide by that. Even if you didn't want new thermostats in your apartment or you thought the hallway looked just fine the way it was, you'd still be forced to pay just like the others.

Maybe all that sounds really complicating and unnecessary, but it does work. However, I'd really like to hear how these things have been organized elsewhere.
Posted 10:15